House clearance heartache

[Fluffythefish]

Mum died of cancer in March a few months after diagnosis. My father who is now 91, following a series of falls was helped to make the decision to move into a nursing home. He is mentally acute but physically frail and couldn't look after himself properly. He is thriving and is settled and that is brilliant. But it is down to me (and my amazing DH) to dismantle the house. Its not my childhood home by any means but my parents kept EVERYTHING and mostly in plastic wallets. every piece of paper in a different plastic wallet. I can't keep it all and so have had to get rid of tons of photos etc. Most of the photos there are other copies of in photo albums but it is still such a hard thing to do. I don't live near the house so have to do it all almost at once. Just needed to write down how I feel and having lurked here and been helped I know this will resonate with others. (and yes, I am thinking about what I need to do when I am a little older than I am now :) )

My parents were in their seventies when they died in a car crash. They had sorted through the garage and discarded things, but they had no idea they would die as soon as they did.

Also people still want stuff around them. Before my friend died of cancer she spent hours looking at old photos and videos, she did not want to give them away or get rid of them.

The one thing I kept of MILs was a big box full of the letters they exchanged while FIL was away in WWII. He left home in 1941 and she didn't see him again until 1946.
I have never opened them as too personal and yet I can't throw them away

What an excellent idea. I looked it up and I think this might be the book you mean. The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter
Book by Margareta Magnusson

I think it would be more popular if she'd thought of a better name for it!!

Dealing with all of that was such a stressful, miserable time. added to squabbling relatives. I vowed I'd never put our children through it. Still working on the organisational part, although its only me that is willing to jettison stuff.

It may not be something you’d want to do but look up ‘Mass Observation’ during the war diaries of everyday people were kept (the film Nella Lasts War was based on one ladies diary) I think they still collate diaries, I briefly looked into it when I cleared out the house I live in now as the old lady who’d lived here had some wartime diaries, but I didn’t follow it up.

I have burned my letters from my EX . I didn't want them around and I certainly didn't want my DCs to see them . Also my diaries as it is too sad. They don't need that extra stress.
My DF was a very organised man and one thing that we all appreciated was that all his photos had names, date and place they taken on the back. I wonder what the modern equivalent would be ?

I will have to tackle this job in time to come so I can imagine some of the huge feelings it brings up.

Although a different scenario, when my mum died and we had to go through her things, we found it helpful to mentally separate everything into two categories - 'everyday things' and 'precious things'.

Everyday things like ordinary clothes, kitchen utensils, random stuff all got packaged up for charity shops. 'Precious things' where there was a lovely memory attached went into different boxes to be handled later. It was too emotionally overwhelming to go through 'precious things' at that point so I put everything away in storage in the garage. When I felt stronger, I was able to gradually work my way through them.

Obviously you've got a lot to do in a short space of time but this little mental strategy helped me. Sending a handhold for a really tough job!

See I feel differently. It was my childhood home and my parents lived there for 50+ years.
I kept a large sideboard and chest of drawers (full of the family photos) , a hand made Welsh blanket and embroidered tablecloths as part of my Grandmother's Wedding chest.
I took garden pots (that give me so much pleasure when they come into bloom) and cuttings to dry from garden plants.I've even got tools that my father had that are way beyond what you can buy today.
However my mother had cleared through her own things as she got older and carefully labelled things with little notes she wanted us to keep (such as some pearls that were my father's first gift to her 😔). They had several good quality items that you replicate nowadays . She had also written that no possessions mattered to her as much as her children...
All these things including the photos are absolutely my most treasured possessions. Memories are triggered my objects so whilst in themselves they perhaps don't fit in my house they somehow do. I love the fact I can use them (the milk pan and rolling pin we had as children!).
I wish I'd taken longer to decide over certain things so if anything I'd 'sit' on the undecided items.
I have got a lot of costume jewellery that my mother loved that I don't wear though and am going to sift through again.
It's such a hard process.

I know that feeling.

When my great aunt died she left me her house, a large Victorian property in north London. Only it was complete with everything still as she had it. We kept as much as we could but a lot had to go. It was heartbreaking and I often just sat on the stairs and cried my eyes out when the mens came to collect her possessions.

I know she would understand and tell me not to be so silly but it was like throwing somebody's life away. I miss her so much.

That's very traumatic on so many levels.