House clearance heartache

[Fluffythefish]

Mum died of cancer in March a few months after diagnosis. My father who is now 91, following a series of falls was helped to make the decision to move into a nursing home. He is mentally acute but physically frail and couldn't look after himself properly. He is thriving and is settled and that is brilliant. But it is down to me (and my amazing DH) to dismantle the house. Its not my childhood home by any means but my parents kept EVERYTHING and mostly in plastic wallets. every piece of paper in a different plastic wallet. I can't keep it all and so have had to get rid of tons of photos etc. Most of the photos there are other copies of in photo albums but it is still such a hard thing to do. I don't live near the house so have to do it all almost at once. Just needed to write down how I feel and having lurked here and been helped I know this will resonate with others. (and yes, I am thinking about what I need to do when I am a little older than I am now :) )

Could you scan the photos? Or pay someone to scan them? Then you'd have a digital copy. Sounds awful op.

I'm so sorry and yes, I know exactly how you feel. In my case I had been looking after my Dad until he died. The dismantling of the family home was done in indecent haste as my avaricious brother had arranged a rental and the tenant was moving in at very short notice. A long time ago now - I have so many happy memories of my parents and a few bits to remember them. My Mum had died a few years earlier and left all her jewellery to me, which of course has great sentimental value. I have passed on some bits already to my daughter.

We moved in 2019 and decluttered but still have a massive amount of stuff! My husband is much better at getting rid of things than I am!!!

I have no solutions but wanted tohold your hand in this.
I'm having the same emotional turmoil with my Grandma's house (she's 95, just had a stroke and we don't know yet if she'll be getting home) and my parents are disabled so its down to me to sort. My husband is being amazing in taking on so much of the responsibility too even though she's not his grandma, but it just seems soooo big.
Emotionally draining.
Mentally draining.
💗

It is so hard to do. I really emphasise with you here. We did mils home and it was not the childhood home we still found so many things that just tugged at the heart strings. So hard.

Can you take some of the photos to your dad ? It will give you something to reminisce over together.

It is so, so hard. My parents' home was not only my childhood home, but also my mum's and her own mother's before her, and had been built by my great-great-grandfather, so it felt like a huge betrayal to clear out beautiful old furniture that had been there for generations. Nobody had ever cleared it fully before - it had just been passed on and people had sort of moved in on top of the previous generation's stuff and kept everything, so you can imagine how much I had to trawl through. It took a couple of years in the end because of illness and the distance involved, and what really broke my heart was that the person who bought it from us promised that it would be his family home - even offered for us to go back and see it after he'd renovated it - and then carved it up into flats. It's entirely his perogative, I know, but I was heartbroken because the house felt like so much more than bricks and mortar.

Sorry, I'm rambling - just wanted to offer a handhold because I know how difficult and heartbreaking it is.

Good luck OP, such a hard thing to do.

One thing I would recommend- really try to limit how much you keep, if the only thing you'll do is keep in it a box somewhere.

Joshua Becker (on youtube) says his wife had boxes full of stuff from her grandma. When they turned to minimalism she eventually went through it all and kept just 3 things. 1) a dish that her grandma kept on her coffee table - it is now on theirs. 2) a broach she wore on her coat - his wife now wears it on hers 3) her bible which his wife keeps in her bedside table.

By doing this she turned some unlooked through cardboxes boxes into 3 meaningful sentimental items which are used and seen daily.

Also, think about replacing some of your stuff with your parents' stuff. E.g. if you dining set is just an ordinary one from ikea (for eg), get rid of yours (dont keep it!) and use your parents dining set.

My mother was in a council house.

They gave us 2 weeks to empty it, and make good. In the snow, 800 miles away during Covid.

We photographed everything we could that might mean something to family. There were many trips to the tip. Which had to be booked in advance on a day dependent on the first letter of the surname of the property holder... who no longer existed... the hoops to jump through were heart-rending... every.time.

The photos and personal letters etc, we had to put in a big box as was unprepared for the pure emotion created by stopping to look.

It is draining

I had to go through boxes of photos & letters going back 3 generations invitation to a garden party at Buck Pal. etc,
I sifted through it, what felt irreplaceable was saved in a big plastic trunk somewhere( (n my (brother's loft ?) these things will never again see the light if day until he dies...
We had a bonfire that burned for 2 days & nights of stuff...
The good stuff all fitted in one room, valued & disposed of
2 skips were filled
Clothes to Charity shop
Beds & carpets to the tip
Similarly, it was done in the week following Mum's funeral. Before we had to go home to different parts of the world. Very brutal.
It had been the family heart & home for our whole lives & finally all that was left was the tatty bare bones of an aging house.

I have done this twice and it's so awful to do.

It encouraged DH and I to have a huge clear out at home and, a couple of years later, move to a nice modern and spacious flat.

Our adult children will be grateful.

yes to this! Decluttering is not as easy as social media suggests, particularly when things have such a big sentimental and emotional attachment.

we were encouraged to take photos to elderly relative.
Also agree about paying someone to scan old photos for you.
And if there are sentimental things but have no place anyway, photograph those too. Just as we'd do with mountains of children's artwork apart from one or two really special ones. Then there's a record of it.
Also had to help elderly relative to pack up to downsize. So many things that took her so long to pour over that it became very upsetting for her to chuck it all or find homes for it to a deadline.
In the end we suggested that the stuff that needed "going thru" was moved into temporary storage.. so that she could get a box out regularly and go through it.
Maybe that is what you could do with things that could be sold or gifted. but would take too much time at the moment.

I took a few photos to my Mum , in a tin. We had a good chat about the photos , family .
My Mum was (still is) a hoarder . Trying to get her to part with things was a nightmare . She's in a Residential Home so cannot have too many things .
We gave her her Wedding Bible (my Mum had dozens of Bibles , we found a huge trunk of them too !)

When we were trying to clear things and getting to the stage where we'd done enough for now , she used to joke "You can hire a skip when I;m gone"
I'd say "Make that 2"

We had to empty the house when Dad died , we're 8 hours away . My Brother did much of it .

Some things are easy to get moved on. Clothes can be recycled .
Momentoes and photos are trickier .

I had to clear my childhood home after DM's death (DF had died 2 years earlier). Thankfully none of the furniture was the sort I'd have wanted so it either went to the charity shop or the tip. We cleared the entire place in a weekend - which was no mean feat as there was over 50 years worth of stuff - they threw very little away.
All the photos and paperwork I put into big plastic tubs and brought home to sift through (night after night in front of the tv). I got rid of all photos of scenery from holidays they'd been on and of places I didn't recognise - so that got rid of quite a lot. I did keep one or two things that I remembered them having for many years (some were wedding presents I think) and they are still here at my house - but we've got the space for them. I imagine they'll go when we either downsize or die though as they won't mean anything to our DS.
It's a tough job but I think you have to be realistic. Taking photos of items so you still have the memories is a good tool - definitely did that with some of the ornaments.

When I had to clear my parents house during lockdown 1, 80 miles away, I rented a storage unit near me. Things then got divided into 4 groups - things my brother wanted for sure, things I wanted, things no one would want, and unsure/needed selling/paperwork/ needed sorting through. The last group all came back to the storage unit and then I could work through the boxes and boxes of photos and so on - then things only came into my house when I knew they were staying or going into the required paperwork files.
It was really hard though as they hadnt sorted from their parents and three of my great aunts so there was huge amounts of stuff

I had to to do this for Uncles house. All photos and papers in one big storage box. When you start removing them from envelopes , plastic , it really does get smaller. Lots of ornaments, bubble wrapped and labeled. Use your discretion, fine china, keep , crap from Disney or Spanish holiday, dump.

Clothes , household goods , furniture can be donated . Not good enough ,? Dump in recycling .

We're going though this at the moment, op. My dad died a few years ago and now my mum has dementia so trying to do bits like her paperwork while I can still go in and give her a kiss after crying. They left little notes to themselves about plans for the future, and mum had done a college course which involved her analysis of her feelings about certain tasks. She wrote so clearly and well and now can't write her own name properly. It really is heart-breaking.
She was a great collector of antiques and bits and bobs, and I can remember the stories behind them that she'd tell me about how she found them and what they were. How will I ever choose what to keep? Anything I get rid of will feel like a betrayal. 😪

I did this earlier this year. My DSis and I had to dismantle our family home, which had also become the storage unit for our parents' parents' stuff. In some ways it was more emotionally bruising than their (sudden, separate) deaths: it took longer, it required immediate and impossible decisions, it felt like I was throwing away their treasures. I am glad beyond measure that I'll never have to do it again. and for you.

I'm doing this at the moment. Currently sitting in my dads chair listening to his radio station flicking through his old work newsletters in case he’s in any of them. We’ve been able to take our time doing it all which is great. So glad we didn’t have to rush.

I live in the UK and family home is in Ireland. It will be really strange for me not to have this house to come back to. I left home in 1987 but have always had this as my ‘home’ even though my home is elsewhere. This always feels like home.

I was left with a huge cardboard box full of a lifetime's photographs and only one had anything written on it so I knew who it was - or, to be precise what it was. I have no clue who owned Otto the dog though.

Had to do the same a couple of years ago when my mum went into a home.

Got masses of stuff in boxes in my loft that I've no use for but just couldn't face getting rid of , we are not big on photos so there's only a couple of albums that are in the sideboard .

I tried to detach myself from it all when I was clearing the house out but then you find something and it gets very emotional for a bit

Sending you lots of virtual hugs. (((((()))))) I had to do this earlier this year and it was heartbreaking.

Try to keep reminding yourself that you have already got the most important things your parents were able to give: love, family stories, memories, recipes perhaps. (I emphasise "were able": some weren't very able, but they're not going to be more able to give at 92...)

In some ways I thought it helped that I had to do it alone and very fast. Though my siblings wouldn't help, at least we didn't argue about who got what or how to handle things.

But on top of everything else, I really felt like a thief for taking the (few) valuable items and a destroyer for breaking up the house... Lionel Shriver, who wrote We Have to Talk about Kevin, had a column about just this in the Times about a month ago which reminded me so many of us do go through this and so many of us find it upsetting.

OP - just sending you some solidarity. I'm in a very similar situation - my mum kept everything greetings card, letter and photo. It has been so much and I've had to throw 95% of it out. It's so hard.

I have found this thread comforting. My god have i felt guilty at vetting rid of things.

Sis and I did this two years ago when mum died.
All the furniture and contents were donated to a local charity .
The personal stuff.
Mountains of photos.
I guess most young parents no longer have printed photos?
I kept the historic ones, my parents youth, grand and great grandparents. The bulk of it though was thrown away. Pictures of dogs, holidays and grandchildren.
The sentimental things are difficult because our first born's first shoes really only matter to the parent. So I got rid of all that.
I kept her butterfly broaches and the house name that was carved into a rock from Iona.

DH and I are planning to move next year and I will take the opportunity to declutter.

It’s the most awful thing to have to do, I’ve kept quite a few of my parent’s things that are no good to me really but I can’t bring myself to throw. I’m trying to be brutal with my own stuff so my boys don’t have the same problem.