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Elderly parents
Original poster

Impossible Question but how long?

37 replies

ShouldIknowthisalready · 18/10/2022 16:58

I feel awful asking this but anyway....

89 year old Mum in a care home for 2 and half years. Has dementia and not been able to walk for the last 18 months & incontinent. Hard to understand but did chatter away, could not answer questions directed at her.

In the last week she is now not able to swallow and bed ridden can no longer make any words, sleeps a lot but does open her eyes and tries to talk. Not in pain and does not appear to be agitated etc.

It seems she is swallowing small amounts of soup but can not take her meds. The home has set up end of life medication but she is not having it yet as seems settled.

Previously she seemed to declined in stages and then level out at that stage for quite a long time.

Can this stage go on for a while. It is no life for Mum but I am grateful that at the moment she is not frightened or in pain.

OP posts:
han01uk · 18/10/2022 17:11

It can seem pretty endless I'm afraid. Is she having water? They need to make sure she is comfortable, if unable to swallow food or drink then give pain relief. I nursed my Nan in her final days, sometimes wondering how on earth they can carry on with no sustenance or fluid, but they do. Once no longer taking fluids probably 5-10 days I would say until she will go.

Original poster
ShouldIknowthisalready · 18/10/2022 17:15

She is taking some fluids, not much apparently but I guess enough to keep her going.

I agree it is a wonder how they can carry on with so little sustenance .

Her brain is so broken with the dementia but still working to keep her alive.

OP posts:
han01uk · 18/10/2022 17:18

Stay strong and just make sure she isn't in pain. That's all you can do. It's awful to see someone you love go through that. (I know death is inevitable, but it does feel so so cruel at the end..).

nokitchen · 18/10/2022 17:46

It took about two weeks once my mum got to that stage. She seemed comfortable enough and just slipped away x

imaditto · 18/10/2022 17:59

I've a parent whose has yet to get this bad, still mobile, sometimes incontinent but is so deaf that talking to them is impossible. No quality of life and I know they would not like to be in the situation they find themselves in. They need to be prompted to eat and drink.

I have an LPA along with other family members. If it was down to me I would not be prompting them and let nature take it's course. It sounds so harsh and cruel but I long for them to be out the miserable life they now have. We've done all we can to improve life quality but nothing has worked, they can't hear the tv and books and magazines can't be followed because their memory does not retain what's just been read.

OP, I hope your mum passes soon and painlessly.

RandomMess · 18/10/2022 18:27

Sadly I know someone who lasted 3 months by having a bit of yoghurt or similar abet few days Sad

Original poster
ShouldIknowthisalready · 18/10/2022 18:45

Thank you all for your comments and sorry so many of us have to witness this and our loved ones go through it.

I am pretty sure she is not in pain so that is one blessing.

RandomMess the human body is made of strong stuff you would not think it possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIknowthisalready · 18/10/2022 18:49

@imaditto I totally get where you are coming from and thank you for your comments

@nokitchen that is the end we are hoping for but hearing @RandomMess experience maybe not!

@han01uk you are right it does seem so cruel and hard for every one involved.

OP posts:
nokitchen · 18/10/2022 19:15

She will go when she's ready. A week before mum died she suddenly had a morning when she rallied, spoke again, drank cup after cup of tea. Smiled. It was lovely. After that she just faded away. It seemed very peaceful. We had classical music on for her in case she could still hear it.

Strawberrybelli · 18/10/2022 19:41

Going by my mil, you're talking a couple of weeks tops at this stage.

filka · 18/10/2022 19:48

My mother had been fed by tube for a number of years (too many). When it came out and the nursing home followed my wishes and didn't replace it, she lasted about 8 days. Like one of the posts above, she perked up once or twice in that time, almost enough for the doctor to consider whether he should put the tube back in, but thankfully he didn't. It was very peaceful and a huge relief when she passed.

OneCup · 18/10/2022 20:14

For my grandmother it was a few days. She gradually slipped away..
I'm sorry you are going through this

XingMing · 18/10/2022 20:14

@ShouldIknowthisalready , you have all my sympathy. MIL93, with dementia, threw herself out of bed in a dream recently and broke her femur at the hip and an arm. She's been in a very busy acute ward for three weeks and had deteriorated in front of our eyes but there's nothing to be done to make her better. She was deemed "medically fit for discharge" and should have gone back to her residential nursing home this afternoon. But now, she's feeling poorly, so they are keeping her a bit longer, but it is only delaying the inevitable. There is nothing more the hospital can do. The cruelty of modern geriatric medicine. I would have put an elderly dog to sleep in her condition. Stayed there, held her hand, talked to her and played her favourite music, and seen her off.

Original poster
ShouldIknowthisalready · 18/10/2022 20:42

Thank you all for your comments they are really appreciated.

@XingMing Mum did something very similar 3 weeks ago . She did not break anything but had a major wound on her head and knee and needed a GA to repair it all. Her hospital stay was very very hard and she spent 2 days in A&E waiting for a bed. She did recover to get back to her nursing home luckily but initially seem to rally but has now deteriorated.

I am so sorry that so many of you have gone through this.

OP posts:
XingMing · 18/10/2022 20:56

It is awful @ShouldIknowthisalready . I send my sympathy and support to you and your family, and we completely understand how you must be feeling. Flowers

Alcemeg · 18/10/2022 21:02

Based on what I've seen, which might not be typical, I'd say a week or two.

So sorry OP, it's such a lose/lose situation. I'm sure you've already made the most of the time you have left. Drawing a line under it all somewhere isn't easy. Xxx

maeveiscurious · 18/10/2022 21:05

My DM was determined to be in the terminal phase in January.

Original poster
ShouldIknowthisalready · 01/11/2022 16:18

Just to update that Mum passed away yesterday.

We were so fortunate that the last couple of weeks were totally peaceful and calm for her.

I hope for any of you still facing this that your loved ones may also have a peaceful and calm experience

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 01/11/2022 20:08

@ShouldIknowthisalready Flowers

Alcemeg · 01/11/2022 21:13

Bless you @ShouldIknowthisalready ... so glad that her journey came to a tranquil end and that she is no longer suffering. Flowers

XingMing · 02/11/2022 11:40

Flowers @ShouldIknowthisalready . It must be a huge relief for you and your family. I am so pleased the end was peaceful, and hope we can achieve a similar tranquil departure.

XingMing · 06/11/2022 19:03

And we are relieved. DMIL was returned to her residential home on Wednesday afternoon and passed away later that day.

MammaWeasel · 06/11/2022 19:09

💗

FinallyHere · 06/11/2022 19:24

@ShouldIknowthisalready

Thinking of you.

I remember feeling hugely guilty for not feeling any sadness because it was such a blessing to have it all over

The sadness came later, when all the arrangements were over

Take it easy on yourself xx

Borntobeamum · 09/11/2022 08:01

💗

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