91 year old mother gets me down!

[A580Hojas]

She's always got me down, tbh. We have never had a fun relationship, never had a laugh together, I very very rarely get any kind of feeling of warmth or happiness from my interactions with her. Seeing her is, and almost always has been, out of a sense of duty.

I can honestly say she is the only thing in my life that makes me feel depressed.

Now that she's very elderly and has genuine struggles and health issues, it's just worse. I often wish I had gone no contact with her years ago but now it's too late for that.

I woke up this morning feeling quite cheerful and energetic. The sun is shining and I started cleaning. Took a little break to phone my Mum and she's in one of her extremely low moods - tears and long long long tales of woe. It's totally sapped me of all my energy and spark. She is the ultimate drain on my resources.

Don't know how to snap out of it .

It is weird as I could have written your exact post this morning only my mum is 75! Sending sympathy. I don't know how to manage it either. It gets me down.

Wow. I really think you may regret these words once she's gone.

I know myself that having elderly parents is extremely hard but I think you've reached a point of resentment, bordering on hatred by the sounds of it

I ditched mine a long time ago. Sounds utterly draining OP and no, you don't regret it when it's warranted. Wish people would stop popping up on these threads and saying that crap. Some mother's aren't nurturing or nice people.

You need to expect she's going to bring you down. Save the phone calls when you feel able to brush them off.

Wow. I really think you may regret these words once she's gone.

It sounds like you're lucky enough not to have parents like this.

OP I don't really know what the answer is, can anyone else do more for her? Maybe in a paid capacity? Might ease things for you a bit. Maybe have no contact days?

That sounds hard.
Try to remember that you are not responsible for her happiness, or indeed anyone’s. So don’t feel you have to ‘do’ anything.
If you can’t get off the phone, say there’s someone at the door and you’ve got to go!
Respect your own feelings.

I can only offer sympathy OP.

I do mostly have a good relationship with mum but some days can be like this. I'm scared it will get worse if she gets much older.

My dad died at 79. Do I miss him being a total pain in the butt? No. I missed the nice things initially but life takes over and you recover.

but if you haven't got any nice stuff with your mum, that must be so hard. Is it worth telling her to stop being a pain and take her for lunch or something? My parent/s respond well to being told off when they are a pain. I think some people just can't face giving their folks a telling off but it can help.

OP I feel for you. Does she have contact with friends or family?

I actually did have a good relationship with my mum (81) but she has dropped all her friends and the activities and interests she's had all her life and now depends entirely on me for support. I love her but I find it all so upsetting and confusing.

My mum is very outgoing and sociable and loves praise and being the centre of attention (dh calls it The Mum Show) so when I allude to her struggling to anyone who knows her they look at me like I have two heads.

She's well supported by professionals she's had longstanding relationships with and they think she's still very active and happy.

This is such a difficult stage, when your parent becomes dependent, and it's exacerbated by any struggles they're going through already as well as magnifying any existing differences between you. People reminding you that your parent will soon be dead aren't helpful.

My dad died this summer, really suddenly and unexpectedly, and my mum is by herself. She's a lovely person - fun, charming, caring - but her memory has GONE and I'm finding it really frustrating. Plus she's bordering on agoraphobic, hates the doctors, and smokes like a chimney.

She's rattling round in her big house but can't decide whether or not to move. I love her to bits but her memory issues are stressful and I can't get her to speak to anyone about it. She says "I'm just old!" but other people in their 80s aren't like that.

Thanks for replying! If I was the crying type, I would cry about it all. I don't feel I will miss these utterly joyless phone calls when she has gone, no.

I wish she wasn't depressed but I can't do a single thing about it. She has carers twice a week, me and my brother who speak to her weekly or more, a lot of attention from her GP. Only one good friend left. I understand that her life is hard ... I think my sympathy resources are very depleted because I have always propped her up, all of my adult life. And, actually, before that - from when I was a child.

I suppose my question really is how do you stop other people's depression getting you down too? It really is a contagious illness.

I am in a very similar situation to OPs, with a critical, judgemental, bitter narcissistic mother who has almost zero self awareness or empathy. So many times, she had told me, over the years, when I have tried to standup to her, telling her that I will not put up with verbal and emotional abuse from her anymore, she responds by saying that I would bitterly regret saying these things once she is gone. That infact I would be crying with deepest regret and sadness for the way spoke to her.

Please don’t tell the OP that she may regret words. She probably won’t and some things just need to be said, and it doesn’t matter if they are old and/or your mother - these 2 things should never be an excuse to overlook and forgive utterly shit behaviour. Some times blood is not thicker than water.

Odfod. She sounds like a shit mother, exactly like mine. And all I’ll feel is relief when mine finally passes. Well done for attempting to pile on unnecessary guilt when the op is already down.

Smoking is a big factor in the development of dementia. Contact the surgery and see if they can call her in for a memory assessment under the guise of a well woman check.

I don't think you'll regret your words OP when she's gone. Because she died doesn't change the truth or give her a free pass for poor behaviour.

Snap!

Sympathy to everyone else dealing with a miserable and selfish parent.

Smoking is a big factor in the development of dementia. Contact the surgery and see if they can call her in for a memory assessment under the guise of a well woman check.

This is genius! Thank you - I'll talk tk them this week.

My strategy (which sort of works) is to mentally decide what is an acceptable, appropriate level of contact, and then stick with that with the mindset of of being just another a job on the task list. If she doesn't like it (which inevitably she doesn't, because whatever I do it never, EVER enough - and believe me there are times when I have done a lot) then that is simply not my problem to solve any more and I refuse to give it any more headspace.

I've also been dealing with her depression since as long as I can remember (early childhood) and until she seeks help I just cannot engage with her any more beyond a perfunctory relationship.

Sending hugs OP, it’s hard, I get it

Have you tried saying at the beginning of the call that you're feeling down and can't cope with any moaning?

I read these with great sympathy but my own mother is only in her 50s. I now barely speak to her because of my resentment after our childhood and her selfish choices but also because she is so self centred in conversations. She never asks questions or knows what’s happening in mine or my sisters lives. Yet she loves to post all over social media re grandchildren.

I really dread the next 20-30 years because her relatively menial health complaints (which totally dictate and dominate her life and conversations), will likely become more genuine.

I already feel guilt about the lack of contact now but it’s a form of self preservation.

My DF was crying today. Says he’s lonely but won’t move nearer to me.
Ive learned to sympathise, then leave it there, don’t take it home.
My DF could improve his situation with antidepressants and moving nearer to me, he won’t do either, and that’s his choice

Daughter of the year , “ ditched my mother a long time ago “, karma is a bitch you know??
Seriously , she’s your mother, can you not detach a bit so it won’t affect you that much but still be a daughter??

My mum and aunt are going through the same think with my gran who is 79. My gran was extremely controlling all their lives and has only gotten worse. She resents them having any type of life out with her. She has been bed bound the last year or two and complains that she is lonely yet has lots of visitors including friends and me and my daughter yet she sends us away after ten minutes but would have my mum and aunt sit with her all day if she could.

I'm sure they love their mum, I've never discussed with them their feelings in that respect but I can say that I know (and this is a horrible thing to say) when my gran passes away it'll be a huge relief to them. I think it would be different if she appreciated all they do for her.

Thankfully my mum raised me differently and I will be honoured to care for her in her old age (and I'm sure very stressed at times) and I hope I am raising my daughter to feel the same.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice to give you. You are right, it's too late to go no contact, at her age she won't have too much time left, and to go no contact would seem cruel. Make sure though that you're taking time for yourself.

Clearly she’s been affected by her mothers bad behaviour all her life. Just because you become a mother doesn’t give you an automatic golden ticket to treat your children like shit and to be forgiven for it every time.

I will be talking to my adult daughter on the phone later. Will I tell her I've had a miserable day? Hell NO! It's not her issue to deal with, it's not something she can do anything about. When I think about the relationship I have with my daughter it really hits home how different I am to my Mum (thank God). But that makes me quite sad.

I hear you. I often want to say to my Mum, I am still your child you know! I feel resentful that I don't feel I can offload to her the way she does to me as she doesn't do sympathy/empathy and if I try she usually just changes the subject. The burden of a bad day is something I hope never to pass onto my children however old they are.

I can relate to this too!