91 year old mother gets me down!

[A580Hojas]

She's always got me down, tbh. We have never had a fun relationship, never had a laugh together, I very very rarely get any kind of feeling of warmth or happiness from my interactions with her. Seeing her is, and almost always has been, out of a sense of duty.

I can honestly say she is the only thing in my life that makes me feel depressed.

Now that she's very elderly and has genuine struggles and health issues, it's just worse. I often wish I had gone no contact with her years ago but now it's too late for that.

I woke up this morning feeling quite cheerful and energetic. The sun is shining and I started cleaning. Took a little break to phone my Mum and she's in one of her extremely low moods - tears and long long long tales of woe. It's totally sapped me of all my energy and spark. She is the ultimate drain on my resources.

Don't know how to snap out of it .

It's not too late. You can choose to stop seeing her and taking her phone calls - or at least reduce the frequency. You will be so relieved to get your life back and feel liberated. Just do it - there is no reason why you would regret it, so just ignore the sentimental comments from people who think mothers should always be idolised.

I get it OP. The "just ditch her" option is simply not on for me - she's annoying and miserable, not villainous, in my case. She had a shit childhood of her own so intellectually I understand why she's like she is, but good god if my DD ever felt about me as I do about my DM I'd shoot myself. My DD says she doesn't - so far!

I think we just have to dig deep, be the caring daughter we want our daughters to be, get satisfaction from doing the right thing. I also think long breaks are essential - three weeks no contact now and again, then when stronger, increased contact. Moaning and ranting about her to your loved ones is essential.
Being selfish and self indulgent ("ditching her") are the very qualities that are so distressing in our mothers. So don't copy them

@ChelseaRobertsofMalibu ''Wow. I really think you may regret these words once she's gone.''

@pompei8309 ''Seriously , she’s your mother, can you not detach a bit so it won’t affect you that much but still be a daughter??''

Here we go, the usual platitudes...

Some people just never develop a bond with a parents, especially if that parent was toxic/abusive.

There is nothing to regret or miss when someone like that is gone because you never liked or loved them in the first place. Instead there is a sense of relief and the feeling that a burden has finally be lifted.

The only thing I regret when it comes to my mother is the fact that I should have cut all contact with her earlier than I did.

The most honest thing I ever did was to admit that I did not love a woman who had done me so much harm and caused me so much pain and that I was better off never seeing her again. In my case I don't have to ''be a daughter'' to someone who was never a decent mother.

I did laugh a bit . Not a chance in hell no. A person doesn't ask to be born. They are owed fuck all just because they give birth to you.

I totally agree with this. It is not an option for me either, nor do I want it to be. I want to be kind and caring to her, it is my job now, it is just hard sometimes and I need to allow myself the occasional mental break and not feel guilty. I intellectually understand why my DM is like she is too. There are aspects of her early life which I can see were very hard. She has suffered a lot of bereavement for example.

But my goodness, occasional moaning is essential.

It sounds like you made a very brave decision there and the right one for you. Any guiltripper simply does not understand your relationship and lived experience with your mother.

I suppose my question really is how do you stop other people's depression getting you down too? It really is a contagious illness.

Something my counsellor told me that might help you.

When someone vents at you, gets angry, and generally takes you down with them just tell yourself
’This is theirs, not mine. Their sadness/anger/anxiety/problems. It’s theirs, not mine’
I found it helps me put some distance and nit get sucked in iyswim

Redqueenheart -don’t think is the same situation as OP’s her mum seems to be a bit pessimistic, sad , depressed ,whatever, she wasn’t harmed or abused by her mum in any way

🙄

It sounds like OPs had a line of her mothers misery.

It’s never too late to go no contact imo. Or you have to find a way of getting through the phone call without it getting to you. Treat the phone call like a task to complete and then get on with your day. Change the subject to something brighter.

lifetime

I suppose my question really is how do you stop other people's depression getting you down too? Try to move to being a detached observer. If it helps, keep pencil and paper next to you, note down how many depressed statements she makes, or how many “er..”s, or how many times she says “was” - anything to make that shift to being an observer.

Will I tell her I've had a miserable day? Hell NO! Why not? I would want to know if my

DC was having a bad time.

Hit “post” by mistake … I wonder if your keeping your troubles to yourself and being affected by your mother’s depression are two sides of the same coin? You feel as a recipient of her depression that you need to solve her problem, you don’t tell her your troubles because “it’s not her problem to solve”?

That is said by someone with no understanding whatsoever. OP you have my utmost sympathy as I'm in exactly the same situation.

I find my 92 year old mother hard work, but I always have. I am very lucky to have a brother who sympathises and a dear sister who get on better with her.
I also have grandchildren, and we drove 2 hours to see my mother today, and my son and his wife drove up with their tiny children to see her, because she gets droopy about not seeing them. And she seems to think it's MY responsibility.
But she never shows gratitude.
Plus she always finds jobs for my 70 year old husband to do. Today it was cleaning the inside of the kitchen windows.
She is really only happy when she is controlling people.

I would really recommend David sedaris' latest book, Lucky go Happy, I think, which talks about being a child when you're getting on.

Was this just on R4? Think I caught half an hour of it the other day, so poignant

I am going to buy the David Sederis book

Not my mother but my MIL was only happy when the whole family danced to her tune. She was something of a matriarch. It is / was wearing. Luckily Dh stood up to her when it mattered. In other ways she could be lovely and generous but usually on her terms. DS loved her. I miss her , but I don't think she ever came to terms with her children having their own families and priorities. We got through it by hook or by crook.

My DF is starting to be a bit , when I phone, he starts off with a litany of woes & then I get him on to another topic & he is fine and lovely but I have noticed more pessimism as he gets older ( late 80s)

The David sedaris might have been on the radio. It's actually Happy go Lucky.
If anyone else reads it please let me know what you think.

I currently am living with an elderly relative. It is so very hard . He is so negative and nasty , full of regret and no acceptance if his changed circumstances. I have learned that it is not my job to make him happy and nothing ever will. It is not my fault that you are old, family dead , friends also too old to visit. It is very hard to be able to switch off , to not take the comments personally, to not expect gratitude. I have regular carers in who tell me that this is a very common issue with the elderly. They almost revert to petulant children . Lack of control over their life breeds frustration. I try to just ignore the bad behavior and make sure I get regular breaks away.

have you tried timing the calls so that they have less impact on you? So not calling on a day off when her chat will ruin your day, but timing the call for an evening when you then have a plan in place for a favourite tv programme/ nice dinner/ phone call to an uplifting friend, after your call with her. Or call her before cleaning the house - amazing how thoroughly and quickly you can clean when you’re expelling anger and hurt! You could also play a game of phone call bingo - mental list of the things you know she’ll moan about and cross them off as she says them - give yourself a treat at the end for a line/full house - it might help you to take on less of the depressing conversation if you’re distracted. Also try to monitor what you choose to share with her - don’t share things that are giving you joy if you know she’s going to behave like a dementor and suck the fun and excitement out of them!

Can emphathise too. After years of it then reducing mental health for her which severely impacted on me, cos she got WORSE!, I finally found a few boundaries helped;

• sympathy like someone said but dont get involved and change subject, or say I can only talk for a while
• dont ring when you are in a good mood - stop expecting things to be nice and always expect worse so ring when you are cooking or doing something else
• dont speak often and try not to feel guilty
• being really brave and saying things like (if she shouts or rants or moans on a lot), do you want me to call back when you are feeling better (or even better, I cant listen to this again/ at the moment, why not call when youa re feeling better.

I had years of being an emotional prop and putting her over me - things like not having Christmas with my family cos otherwise she would be on her own , and her not even bothering to come visit me when had my kids. so no , run out of sympathy at the very time she actually really needs it. oops!

I know how you feel op, my mum is in her 80s and never stops moaning. Every phone call she just goes on and in for ages about all her woes, how she can't get through to anyone on the phone, can't see a gp face to face, needs a handyman but the one guy she phoned once didn't return her call, etc. It is wearing!! Yes, Ll those things are frustrating but she just cant handle it.

They still live in a 3 bed semi ages away from public transport and shops, etc, and instead of planning ahead.years ago, still live there without any support (all refused but will moan plenty), and moans about the stairs, the garden, the distance to the shops, etc. I come off the phone drained and it is affecting my own mental health listening to it.

Then there are people like there's been a few on this thread, saying "one day she won't be around and you'll wish she'd call". These people have no clue what it can be like for people with not great relationships with their parents. I am happy to talk to my mum, but just not listen to nothing but moaning.

*all these things

Totally totally agree with you. The people saying oh you'll miss them one day just haven't got a clue. You have to protect your own sanity you really do xx

Let’s hope the Japanese idea of humanoid robots comes to something. All of us need someone to let off steam to, and it must be so hard being in a care home or needing high levels of care where your very survival depends on not moaning. Family is your “safe space”. Except that nowadays it isn’t

Difficult for those on the transition between family are important simply because they’re family, and family are important if they earn your regard.

It is possible to listen to moaning and not let it affect your mental health. You need to cultivate a level of emotional detachment. And try not to let it spill into the rest of your life