Mother refuses to have stair lift

[fortifiedwithtea]

DM will be 85 next month. Until lock down she was incredibly fit but now her balance has gone. She needs a shopper trolley with 4 wheels to steady herself.

she is also very hard of hearing and refusing to wear her hearing aids. And her sight is poor, glaucoma.

in her head she is still young and spritely. Doesn’t think of herself as old .

she had the Stannah stair lift people out. Had a quote but told the rep it was an ugly thing and gave her depression just looking at the pictures.

today she told me she has cancelled the order. I told her I was worried about her hurting herself on the stairs.

she has promised me she will be extra careful on the stairs. This is a disaster waiting to happen. Anyone else got a stubborn parent that won’t see sense.

She’s an elderly lady who can see too clearly where the endpoint is, and is trying hard to cling on to her independence and autonomy.

Does she have a downstairs toilet? If things deteriorate, could she live downstairs?

Could she have double hand rails fitted instead?

Yep.been there. You don’t want to know where we are now- but it’s not totally due to lack of stair lift 😩

if she has capacity to weigh risks up it’s her choice and isn’t putting anyone else at risk.

however she needs to know :
she risks death from a fall ( not a disaster for her point of view I bet ) but worse ( probably ) risks a head injury or hip fracture that would take her mobility and independence but not kill her.

if nothing “ awful “ happens what is her plan for living confined to upstairs or down as she becomes less mobile - you may fine she’s thought that through all ready.

people with capacity can make choices that to us seem unwise, but they are entirely allowed to do so. It’s hard to watch though

Her choice and last vestiges of independence. Be proud of her. Encourage determination and stubbornness. If she falls, she does so living her life and retaining her sense of self.

I think this is quite common. My in laws were the same. Then my MIL fell on the stairs and fractured a vertebrae in her neck. Even when she was still is hospital FIL was still being stubborn about the bloody stair lift, and DH had to have a word! They have one now!

It is her choice and her independence is part of the reason she has kept going so well.DM had one installed a few years ago and loves it at she has stayed sleeping upstairs and using her entire house. She is lucky in that her house is very adaptable and she has a downstairs shower room/ loo and a spare bedroom downstairs so could manage without.DMil moved to the ground floor when she became infirm. If your mother could do this then the pressure for the stair lift is much less.

This is really short sighted though. If she falls on the stairs she could end up living the last years of her life with zero independence in a care home. If she truly values her independence a stair lift will ensure she can stay in her home as long as possible!

It has to be her decision. Working on core stability will be a more effective option. Older people often workaround problems. She might use hands and feet to crawl up or come down on her bottom. Lots do.

My mother has Parkinsonism tremors, she’s really shaky. Her bed is really high, I’d love to swap it for one of ours that is lower, so her feet would touch the floor, but she won’t have it. It’s an accident waiting to happen.

As for “if she falls she does so living her life retaining her sense of self”. Well my father just spent his final three months in hospital following a fall, with sepsis, MRSA, Covid and c-diff- so the let him fall theory didn’t work so well there..

Someone I know convinced his mother to get a stairlift selling it to her as a useful way to send her washing up and down the stairs.
She used it for this for ages, sending it up/down with washing etc on it while she followed on foot.
Eventually she saw the benefits 😝

Of course it has to be their decision, no one can get a stair lift installed in someone's house without their permission!

But you should have a serios chat with her about it. Does she live alone?

My MIL fell downstairs at 3am (she sleeps badly). Luckily FIL heard and rang the ambulance. If she'd lived alone she may have been there a long time, which is scary given the pain she was in.

At which point OP will have to deal with the aftermath.
My mum and sdad have plenty of determination and stubbornness. Does t stop her falling out of bed in the middle of the night and staying there until morning because he’s completely deaf and can’t hear her shouting for help. Doesn’t stop him repeatedly crashing his car into things because he is so wobbly and has dementia

Would a through-floor lift be a feasible alternative? Might be worth looking into.

"Anyone else got a stubborn parent that won’t see sense."

I had one.

It's a case of 'you can lead a horse to water'. People have the Right of Self-determination.

Could you get Occupational Health involved ? They could assess her and make recommendations. Sometimes these Seniors respond to a person 'in authority'.

Otherwise there isn't a lot you can do until it comes to crisis point and they fall and break their hip, or get hypothermia and end up in hospital.

My late mum was like this.

Had to go upstairs on all-fours, piled her living room chair full of cushions so she could get out of it, had to have strip washes as she could no-longer get into the bath etc. The list goes on but she refused any type of aid, she claimed they couldn't afford it (this was silly as they had LOTS in the bank, were in receipt of good pensions, owned their own house and had an income several times their outgoings!).
One day she fell down the stairs and fractured her pelvis so while she was in hospital my dad and I arranged a stairlift, riser/ recliner chairs, walk-in shower cubicle (with seat) etc so when she came home it was a done deal.
Made life at home a lot better for a couple of years until my dad died and another fall (getting out of bed this time) meant she needed full-time care.

As a follow-on to the above, we also subscribed to one of the emergency alert companies and got some pendant alarms.
My mum was very good about wearing (and using) hers but my dad was a different matter.
He pointblank refused and it hung on a hook for 2-years, it was still there when he had a heart attack and died (alone) in the bathroom.......

We got a double handrail first then the stairlift. My parent had joint pain and was very afraid of falling. It was way easier to fit than I thought and there are solutions for most stairs. What I would say is it makes it hard for anyone NOT using the stairlift to get up the stairs.

I encouraged my mum to move to a bungalow at 81….she’s 86 now….still very mobile but definitely slowing down…..reading these posts makes me glad she’s moved from her 2 storey semi

@kitcat15 definitely a good choice. How I wish my parent had done this. I am just 50 but I scan for bungalows for myself! Even bungalows need careful
selection though to be ‘future proof’ - no steps and a wet room. Maybe even wheelchair friendly doors. I think once you have experienced disability either directly or indirectly, it really changes your view on the world.

Some makes of stairlift are like that (mainly the generic ones that can be ordered and fitted within a week) so we looked elsewhere.

Came up with the Flow 2 which is a bespoke rail that can turn & climb incredibly tight angles and allows the chair to be parked in a more convenient place (out of the way) instead of just at the top or bottom of the stairs.
It is 100% better than the off the shelf options and definitely worth looking in to.

My parents bought their house in 1955 and there was no way they were going to move into a bungalow or flat so the Flow 2 was the best option.
The other solution was to install a lift but the stairlift worked so well that we didn't have to follow through with this option.

she is also very hard of hearing and refusing to wear her hearing aids As an elderly lady hard of hearing, I can understand that. What often happens is you lose the high frequencies first, so you don’t hear the high sounds of speech such as “s”. But your low frequency hearing is still perfect, so you feel your hearing is fine, it’s just that people mumble. And wearing hearing aids makes me feel really old!

My dad has just had a lift fitted. I don't know how much stairlifts cost but the lift was £9000. It's tucked into a corner and if you're in the room, you can send it up or downstairs (out of sight) with a remote control. It's much less ugly and you don't have to look at it. That might be above her means, but thought it was worth mentioning.

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes mum lives alone. I can’t get to her quickly as I live 14 miles away and can not drive due to epilepsy. I am an only child.

Her neighbours, one side even older and infirm lady in her 90’s and other side young couple out at work during the day.

The house has really steep stairs that are unusually wide. There is a handrail one side. I doubt adding a handrail to the other side would help due to width of stairs.

The rep did tell her that the chair could be sent upstairs out of sight when she didn’t need it. But even the running rails Mum deemed too ugly to look at.

She would not want to move. She’s lived there since it was new in 1967. Dad died in the house aged 70 and at first she wanted to move away but as she processed her grief that thought went away. She sleeps in the back bedroom because Dad died in their big first bedroom. Doesn’t seem possible but she has lived alone for 14 years.

I rang her today, she didn’t sound well. Her speech was too slow. She said she had a covid booster Friday and had had pain round her heart. She said it was a side effect she was warned of. She said the pain had gone but she felt very tired and that was why her speech was slow. I will phone her again tomorrow.

Have you considered a through floor lift?

My 81 year old husband had copd and sometimes has difficulty walking up the stairs. We had a visit from an OT and she agreed that he could have a stair lift installed. He was very reluctant at first but has now realised it's invaluable. We were fortunate to have it installed free of charge but obviously if you buy privately, there's more choice. I had an elderly friend who was very reluctant but ended up having to get one installed in an emergency and then regretted not getting it earlier. They do seem a bit of an eyesore at first but you soon get used to it being there.