Mother refuses to have stair lift

[fortifiedwithtea]

DM will be 85 next month. Until lock down she was incredibly fit but now her balance has gone. She needs a shopper trolley with 4 wheels to steady herself.

she is also very hard of hearing and refusing to wear her hearing aids. And her sight is poor, glaucoma.

in her head she is still young and spritely. Doesn’t think of herself as old .

she had the Stannah stair lift people out. Had a quote but told the rep it was an ugly thing and gave her depression just looking at the pictures.

today she told me she has cancelled the order. I told her I was worried about her hurting herself on the stairs.

she has promised me she will be extra careful on the stairs. This is a disaster waiting to happen. Anyone else got a stubborn parent that won’t see sense.

No advice, but for you, it’s a hard situation to find yourself in OP.

I read your post and wondered whether we had the same mother, although mine is 87. She has heart failure and has already had several falls and fallen down the stairs from top to bottom (miraculously no broken bones but several days in hospital) and refuses to consider a stairlift as she says they are ugly.

I have given up trying to persuade her - she has capacity (more or less) and can choose to make stupid decisions. Her only concession to frequent falls is a falls monitor and an extra bannister (although that didn’t stop her falling down the stairs). I am an only child and no other family live nearby. I have made it clear that I cannot afford to give up work to look after her and that I live too far away/work too many hours to make regular visits so if she has an accident she will have to pay for care or go into a home. Harsh but I wanted her to be aware of the possible consequences.

While I can see your point about independence and choices, I don't think it is good advice to encourage stubborness. It is all well and good to say if they fell they still had independence, however this same fall could be repsonsible for losing all their independence, or worst case scenario, the fall could be fatal.

I say this as someone who has a parent who can barely walk and has serious balance issues, but refuses walking aids. He frantically grabs at the wall, furnture, etc when walking, and as harsh as it sounds, looks like he is drunk and/or clearly struggling. Where is the dignity in that? All to hold on to independence. No way should this level of stubborness ever be encouraged. A fall is going to inevitably happen, and this is one choice I cannot support.

Does she have a downstairs loo and a room that could be a bedroom ?
Is there a will and POA in place ?

I have parents that refuse to have one fitted too. We have even had to move dad's bed downstairs as he is no longer able to climb the stairs (Parkinsons) so he relies on the carers washing him.

I take solace in the fact that one could be fitted quite quickly if they change their mind. The company I spoke to said 48hrs if needed.

Honestly though all you can do is give her the information, she has to make her own decisions. Does she have a fall alarm?

OP, I can totally empathise 💐. I have similar conversations with my dad about getting walking aids. Stubborness is very difficult.

While of course we appreciate their reasons behind not wanting various aids, they need to see it from the perspectives of those who love and care for them. I bet if situations were reversed, and you needed something to keep you safe but refused, she would be worried (have you tried asking her how she'd feel if you were doing something she felt was unsafe?). My only other suggestion would be, is there anyone she would listen to who could have a word outlining concerns?

Failing that, I am afraid, all you can do is voice your concerns, as usually crisis point has to happen before they realise action needs taken. Crisis ppint doesn't always necessarily happen, but all we can do is hope!

• That was clumsily worded. I meant, hope that it doesn't happen.

I’m having a similar thing with my DF. I’ve asked him to put things in place while he can do it, but he won’t. So we’ve had the conversation that he will probably fall down the stairs, or have an incident that forces me to do it. He chooses to continue as he is.

Would she have a lift fitted instead? In the downstairs room they are invisible.

Is there a reason why she won't wear hearing aids? If its because she finds standard NHS aids uncomfortable or bulky it might be worth looking privately for better hearing aids rather than a stairlift at this point. Modern little in ear aids that she is happy to wear should help reduce hearing deterioration and possibly balance/cognition loss depending on the type of hearing problem. Walking up and downstairs (with handrails) can help keep you mobile - its not all negative.

It does need to be her choice around aids, keep the option open for if she changes her mind.

Does she have PoAs in place in case she becomes ill and needs you to manage affairs/medics for her?

We got a stair lift for my parents when Dad had his second or third stroke, and when he passed away mum asked if she could keep it (she thought we’d want to sell it as my brother and I paid for it!). Invaluable as she doesn’t have a downstairs toilet, and she is now frailer than dad ever got.

However while we won the stairlift argument, she is just as stubborn on other matters. With her I’ve found gentle nudging, leaving a thought with her and letting her ruminate is the best approach. She looked after her elderly mother so any hint of “remember what it was like with grandma” will generally work, as long as it’s circumspect and not head on.

PIL were like this. It was only when MIL fell and badly broke her femur they had a stairlift put in. It's been great. They still can't manage the house they refuse to leave though, and although we await the next fall they've been educated that their first call should not be to DH who is an hour away, but an ambulance. Ironically which they'll probably have to wait hours for as they wait to unload into hospital wards full of similar elders who insist on being discharged home to repeat the cycle.

You can get a care alarm that will call automatically when the person falls, it doesn't need them to activate it if they've fallen. Then all you have to do is persuade her to wear it 24/7, and ideally her hearing aids so she can hear the alarm people talking to her. Hope she has a key safe too, and a good advance care plan.

Good luck.

i would be going over there now if i were you.

When my dad became acutely ill a couple of years ago, I discovered stairlifts can be rented. He actually did only need it temporarily as it turned out, but psychologically, it was very helpful!

This is a difficult situation OP

Your mum is a good age at 85

I understand though as a disabled woman myself I go up my stairs regularly on my hands and feet (all 4s like a spider) bc I'm stubborn too (& know my DCs would play on a stairlift!)

Good luck

All you can do is listen to her, try to think of what is important to mum, and revisit the idea a few times

When you become disabled it is often as / or more important to feel in control of your own life and home.