Reaching burnout with caring for my mum

[AlternativelyWired]

I'm autistic which doesn't help. I have 3 dc with the youngest being 7 and the eldest in her final year of school. I don't drive and have long term health conditions of my own. I'm a single parent and don't drive and it's a long walk to school and back each day followed by a long walk to my mum's and back followed by the school run again. It's about 8 miles a day minimum.
I'm going to write a list of everything I do for my mum today but it's taking too much of my time and energy.
How can I cope better with things? My own house is in need of attention because I haven't time to do anything at home and am collapsing into bed by 9pm every day.
At the moment she doesn't need much doing but her conditions are unpredictable and she has got used to be going every day to keep her company if nothing else.

[AlternativelyWired]

I've listed 35 things I do on a regular basis to help her. No wonder I'm struggling.

[Dodie66]

Could she afford to,oay for somebody to come in and do things for her? If it’s things like cleaning or changing bedding etc that could be done by somebody else

[WhenDovesFly]

Why not have a frank chat with your DM and explain that you are struggling to come round every day and will need to cut back to maybe 3 or 4 visits per week. You could offer to call her the other days so that she has someone to talk to, and get on with some of your own chores. I have unlimited minutes on my mobile plan so I often call my mum and put in my ear buds so that I can chat while doing other stuff.

[Badger1970]

Outsource what you can. Gardening, cleaning, someone putting the bins in and out. See if you can claim attendance allowance and carers allowances which can compensate for some of this.

If she doesn't "need" things doing, then she needs to lower her expectations of you. And you need to sometimes prioritise yourself.

I'm going through similar with my Dad. It's tough but you're no help to them whatsoever if you're running on empty.

[Namenic]

Could you cut down the number of days you go over and have a chat on the phone with her the other days? Sounds v tough. Take care of yourself

[MadAndGlad]

Please get help. I went through similar with my mum. It nearly finished me. Get social worker. They will outsource carers to visit up to 3 times a day. Your mum may pay a percentage of the cost, depending on her financial situation. Do it!

[MadAndGlad]

Even if it's just to give her a meal and have a chat. Prompt to take meds, supervise etc.

[diffandproud]

Please stop and mind your health. Stop neglecting yourself or who will be there for your children. Yes, she is your mother but you don't sacrifice your own health and the wellbeing of your children for a grown adult. What you describe sounds ridiculous to be honest and your children are obviously not getting the best of their mum because you are obviously exhausted and can't be in the best of moods if exhausted. This is not fair on you or your children.
You are a grown woman, tell your mother you will call twice a week, on set days of possible for you, you can ring her every evening for a chat to keep her company. There is absolutely no need to be carrying on as you are no matter what her difficulties. You are a mother yourself now.
It's funny how much peoples ailments can improve when they have to do things for themselves. Don't take away her independence by becoming her crutch

[AlternativelyWired]

Thank you for the replies. I have told her she's relying on me too much. I talk to her at length every day as well as going to see her. She has taken on an air of helplessness and it's annoying me. She's fully capable of doing things like googling a telephone number or hairdresser but always asks me to do it and says she doesn't know how to do it. She's been shown how but of course it's easier to ask me. Ive started sending her the number of my electrician for example and letting her phone them herself. Mentally it's good for her to continue to do things for herself. There's things she shouldn't do because it's dangerous but I can't take the mental load of every little thing any more.

[FlatOutAgain]

Is there any way you could set up an iPad or similar so you can do a virtual chat?

We did this during lockdown with a second-hand iPad and have kept it going which means other family members can now do face-to-face which helps us some days

[FlatOutAgain]

Should also say that before calling the iPad we have to make a telephone call and explain how to switch it on and manage the call. We have to do this every single time and often have the start of the conversation with either the ceiling lamp or mums face pressed against the iPad.

[DismantledKing]

You’re going to make yourself ill at this rate.

[countrygirl99]

Did your mum use Google before? Asking as it was thr first concrete sign that my mum had got beyond being forgetful. She still doesn't admit she can't anymore and makes excuses.

[AlternativelyWired]

Well I got covid and so has ds and none of my siblings have done anything to help my mum. Family friends and my friend have offered to get shopping in for her or whatever she needs but my siblings haven't even asked how she is. . I've been out of action for 10 days now but thank goodness mum is coping ok. I was able to do an online shop for her so she's fine for food. It's made her be more proactive in seeking her own help so this may have been a good thing long term. My siblings are crap, utter crap. I didn't think much of them before but my opinion couldn't get any lower now.

[cptartapp]

Your anger is misplaced.
Any parent worth their salt wouldn't want this life for their DC. What were her plans for coping as she aged?
Get onto social services, look at gardeners and cleaners. Get pharmacy to deliver prescriptions, local handymen, taxi companies etc. This is what we save for all our lives, to buy in help as needed and let our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own live their young lives.
Time to step back. I'm sure she doesn't want this for you.

[AlternativelyWired]

I've just searched for this thread again because I'm reaching burnout point again. Things settled down with mum and she improved a lot. She's been less reliant on me generally and getting herself out for walks, to physio and out with her friend or sometimes my sibling if they can't squeeze her in once or twice a month.
We've recently returned from a UK holiday, just a long weekend and I'm exhausted. It was such hard work and I'm wiped out. It was not a holiday at all for me.
I can cope with her physical struggles but I can't handle the helplessness and negativity.
She's had the GP round today then phoned me crying because of the pain that she failed to mention to the doctor and she hasn't taken the morphine ages prescribed. I lost my temper and feel awful now. I told her it's like having another child because it is. I shouldn't need to tell a cognitively fully functioning adult to take the painkillers they are prescribed. It's ridiculous.
She's had access to the well-being team but hasn't asked them for the CBT she needs. She just tells them she's ok. She's constantly anxious and negative about everything and it's incredibly draining for me.
She did have a fall a few weeks back but hasn't sought medical help until I've insisted on it today. She fell because she wasn't being careful and using her mobility equipment correctly and that meant our holiday required ne pushing her around in a wheelchair instead of her walking most of the time. She weighs the same as me and the hired chair was heavy so it didn't do my own chronic back issues any good. She wanders about without her mobility aids a lot of the time and it's fucking selfish. Sometimes I wonder if she's trying to bloody paralyse herself and end up in a home. That's the risk if she falls and she knows it.
I'm sorry for ranting. It will all calm down in a week or two but for now I've had enough of it all. Someone else needs to step up so I can have a break. I'd originally planned on getting her a social services assessment but things calmed down and are was doing well. Now the fall has set her back and she's suffering and I'm suffering too.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

I think you need to step back - no one else will step up whilst you're doing everything. Sad but true!

Put yourself first and your children. You are doing HUGE amount.

[farnworth]

You need to keep remembering that physically and mentally you cannot do everything. You cannot make everyone happy.
Something has to give.

You have long term health conditions. The current set up could have a very negative effect on your health - what happens then? How will it impact you? Your three kids? In order to look after yourself and support them (and possibly your mother) you have to think of your health and NOT overdoing things. Sometimes it can be hard to realise we are burning ourselves out - there is not a good outcome to this scenario.

Your three kids are all at different ages but need you in different ways now. You cannot support them fully if you are running around after your mum.
Stop and think. Who do you need to prioritise. Your three children who rely on you, or your mum who could get others to help / pay for help / do more for herself.

Your mum sounds like she is doing a bit more for herself. Time now for her to do more or get more outside help. Tell her she is being selfish not using mobility aids - tell her that your children lose out out on time they need to spend with you as a result - tell her this is not fair, it’s wrong.
Don’t listen to her being negative for hours - tell her you can’t cope, you have to stay healthy and strong for your children, for her grandchildren and that she is putting too much pressure on you. If she cares, she will listen and act. If she doesn’t truly care, she will continue, so cut short visits and calls. You don’t have to listen to negativity.
Take care of yourself and your children who do truly need you.

This is written by someone who wants to support, who felt concern for you reading your post - and who has realised how very, very easy it is to reach burn out.

[AlternativelyWired]

Thank you. She's at the hospital having discovered she's fractured her spine in the fall a few weeks back. At the moment she's waiting to hear what the doctor says but I've said she probably needs to stay in hospital for a few days if that's what they say. Until the doctor and physio etc have seen her then we don't know what she needs. Of course it's Friday so no social care over the weekend. I don't see how they can send a widow in her 80s home with a broken back and no professional care. She wouldn't be safe on her own at night. My sibling is with her but only because I insisted they don't just drop her off for the xray and leave her to get a taxi home like they wanted to.
At least now there's a specific reason for the recent deterioration. Im going to make sure that from now on theres better care in place from professionals.

[SgtBilko]

I would ask for a social services assessment now. Don't wait as it can take a few weeks. Has she had an OT assessment for aids and adaptations at home? That can be arranged by a phone call and is usually pretty quick. That might help her too. Is she getting Attendance Allowance? This can help pay for outside help. You can't do it all yourself and nor should you.

[AlternativelyWired]

She gets AA and has all the adaptations she needs already. She needs a ramp to get outside really but they seem unable to provide one. I'll chase it up though because steps aren't great for her.
I don't do half as much as when I first started this thread because she's been far more independent with laundry and cooking. I don't go round every day anymore but i go 3-4 days a week and then spend time shopping, emailing, getting prescriptions etc.

[honestlove]

OP, I feel so proud of you. It's random you might feel but you will soon see great goodness come to you. It always does when we help our elderly parents.
It's tough I am sure but you are a great human to be so concerned about you mum

[AlternativelyWired]

Today I have mum other people have got to help because I can't do everything. I'm emotionally drained with my own dc and mum. She needs taking to A&E again because they didn't keep her in. My sibling is helping her MIL today and as always that helping comes first even though there are at least 6 adult children of the MIL to help along with lots of adult grandchildren. My mum only has me but I've got family friends to help who see the toll everything takes on me. It's the emotional support my mum needs that's exhausting. She doesn't help herself very much and relies on me too much. Yesterday she just wanted company. Phone a friend then please because I need time to do things at home myself and can't spend my free hours just chatting. It's an hour there and back (walking because I don't drive) and then a couple of hours supporting and doing a few household jobs. She needs a wider support network not just a one woman support act.

[vagueandconfused]

No suggestions other than get yourself a bike. You can pick them up on Freecycle or ebay for nothing or peanuts. Easier and less time consuming than walking.

[AlternativelyWired]

I have a bike but we live in a very hilly area that's not cycle friendly and cycling up steep hills would aggravate my back problem.