How do you deal with emotional blackmail?

[EmotionalBlackmail]

NC for this.
My Mum (late 70s) was admitted to hospital recently. There was little I could do to help - I live more than 2 hours away, can't currently drive that distance (medical problem), didn't know how to disable her burglar alarm so couldn't get anything from her house anyway, hospital not allowing visitors so wouldn't have been able to see her.

But apparently I should have been there sitting around at the hospital waiting for something to happen on the off chance she could go home? I've talked to her previously about someone local having a key or using a key safe. She hasn't done either. I've talked about my travel limitations and my job (I work full time and have a child - I can't just drop everything).

She has local friends who aren't working and who don't have family responsibilities who can help. But apparently it's my responsibility?! My work's attitude is that compassionate leave is for a death or very serious illness and is for a day or two. Where there are friends and relatives able to provide support then they don't grant compassionate leave.

Anyone else had to deal with managing expectations of elderly parents about what you can and can't do?!

Thank you. Whilst I'm sad others are also in this boat, in a way it's reassuring that I'm not the only one.

Thank you for the podcast recommendation.

I first stood up to her over Covid lockdowns. She was breaking rules right, left and centre (she doesn't think rules apply to her) whereas we were shielding DH. I wouldn't let her see me or my family.

Yes, so I've limited phone calls for a while - usually works out at about 3-5 a month. Most recent crisis aside. She moans a lot if it's less than once a week but sometimes I just can't fit it in with travel for work. I get comments about how her friends' kids phone every day (what on earth do they talk about?!) but I'm not increasing it. She's given up phoning us as we screened calls or were genuinely out so she rarely got an answer!

She sends lots of texts/WhatsApp every day but I only read or respond when I feel like it. And not in work hours. A lot of these are really annoying but I try to ignore most of the content.

We saw her six times last year, which is more than I wanted to but we limited what we did on those visits. And I don't let her see DD on her own (not from an abuse perspective but from the POV of I don't trust her with car safety or telling someone if there is a problem - her 'not bothering people' includes refusing to seek medical help if needed).

She can't understand why we don't have a relationship like her friends do with their kids - they confide in each other, do things together regularly, are really supportive of each other. And, because her friends have only her side of it, they don't get why we don't have that relationship. She was always very careful when we were kids to keep all the shouting and manipulation to within the house and liked to present this ideal family to the outside world.

Thanks so much for your reply

It’s tricky. Thanks.

OP, you have my sincere sympathies, as do anyone with an emotionally demanding elderly parent who uses emotional blackmail. It really is the pits to deal with and can massively affect your mental health ❤. It isn't easy but try to not let it get you down too much, and look to others going through the same for support.

My mum has always been quite entitled and has got lots worse in old age. She used to make comments when I was younger about expecting me to take care of them when they are old (which of course I'd look out for them and help, but she demanded I do with all sorts of expectations). As a result, her and my dad are now in their 80s and taken zero personal responsibility for themselves. They stay in an inaccessible house in mid suburbia, my dad cant walk but refuses walking aids, they cant use the internet and the garden, shopping, etc, and any crisis due to their stubborness becomes my responsibility 🙄. Emotional blackmail is often used when they want something and it is draining 😞.

Sorry, I didn't mean to babble on about my own situation, just wanted to empathise. It is impossible to do, but trying to keep contact to a minimum is the best I can suggest. The only other suggestion I can think is, is there anyone who your mum knows and likes who she'll listen to and you can trust, and could maybe have a word with her about her expectations? A family member, etc. It might be worth having a chat with them about what is going on as I'm sure most people would agree that emotional blackmail is unreasonable behaviour?

Lots of elderly people expect their offspring to be at their beck and call 24/7 because in their day it was what was the done thing. However, this is not right and blackmail and guilt tripping shouldn't be tolerated.

The interesting thing with my mil & DM is neither ran round after their parents.

My DM did have a lot of other issues going on but my mil just didn't want to know. My mil still doesn't want know but just to do with herself. My DM wants to be independent but isn't & the frustration is expressed as irritation.

I stopped going. She was.driving me mad telling me I wasn't visiting enough even though I was there 3/4 a week. I do visit once.a.week ish now and she dare not say anything or I'll stop going again. I arranged carers. It's utterly boring visiting as she's nothing to talk about apart from her shitty TV shows or just moaning about how ill she is. When she won't shut up - I leave and tell her why.

Great advice here and can only say stand up to her and don’t do it. I try to think “ what if I was a surgeon?” You couldn’t just pop out of an operating theatre to pick up the phone or take the shopping order. For biscuits. As they get older and more mental, it’s harder but some seem to forget or not understand that people have other lives. I had 22 calls when recently poorly with Covid wanting biscuits, help with tv remote, money sent. 22 in a week! She lives in a care home ( her choice definitely not mine but has benefits) so not starving! When my husband was on day 2 after a heart procedure ( couldn’t drive/ really be left ) she took herself to hospital at midnight to a n e and rang at 6 am saying ready for her lift. I lived 2 hours away with a 5 year old. I got her a taxi obviously but still felt so guilty I went over there. She was fine had enjoyed it. I went home thinking why? Don’t let yourself be guilted and don’t be such a muppet as me!

Thank you again, this is all really helpful, although, again, I'm sad others are going through it too.

There aren't really any other family members to talk to - very small family and the ones who are her generation or older are either totally incapable (dementia) or rather dysfunctional themselves. That rather says a lot, in itself?! I am in touch with one of her friends and have pushed back about why I didn't immediately materialise when she was in hospital. But, of course, she's been lying to the friend for years about what a close family we are, how much hands on grandparenting she does (actually none) so not sure if that'll do any good. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter what the friend thinks of me after all!

The most recent hospital admission said quite a lot. She didn't want to bother a different friend with bringing her stuff in, so ended up in hospital without spare knickers, toothbrush, nightwear, towel or anything(!) so there was lots of martyr stuff about how she'd had to manage without this stuff for several days. Obviously this was my fault for not doing a six hour return trip by train to get her knickers!

I've suggested she get a key safe installed so local friends or an ambulance crew could easily get access if necessary but she won't have this as apparently 'anyone could let themselves in' . But there, I've suggested it. It's not my fault she won't have one.

She doesn't have POA set up yet (she's nowhere near needing one but it would be good to have it in place ready) and I've started pushing for my brother to be named on it, rather than me. It's about time he did something.

Being the last sane person capable of doing the work makes it harder.

Big hug, hang in there.

Good advice @BinaryDot I'll be finding it helpful for my relationship (or lack of) with my own elderly mother

Also @EmotionalBlackmail and @Frazzledmummy123 my mother is exactly the same as yours it's uncanny! Following this thread and will be back to add my own challenging dm situation if that's ok!

Sure @Ivyy although I'm sorry you're going through it too.

Good news here though - I think someone else (ie not me!) is going to be her POA which is a big relief. I do not have the physical or mental space to be running around after her.

I am really sorry that you are going through this. Your mother is jealous of you, your achievements at work , gaining qualifications, the great team that you and your husband are. Your mum is a narcissist and the behaviour she has shown to you is classic narcissistic behaviour. She has to control everything and everyone. The piece in your post about COVID and not being able to visit her, the Christmases etc is just like seeing my life in print. You really have to try and distance yourself from this , I know it’s hard but look how you felt about the Christmas you spent with people who love and value you. Sending 🤗 hugs.

Things got weird last week. Suddenly missed calls from my Mum, WhatsApp's saying she's missing me and worrying about me as she hasn't heard from me. I didn't answer as mobile is off when I'm working. We'd had a chat on the phone the day before this kicked off! She seems to have no recollection of that.

She's also totally forgotten I was having some medical treatment, even though it's been going on for months and affects me driving. I wasn't sure she'd taken it in when I first told her as she didn't respond to what I'd said and just started talking about herself (again).

It's so hard to tell whether this is yet more manipulation or if there's something else going on now.

I can't visit her on weekends regularly though - it's a five hour round trip by car, which I can't currently drive due to a medical condition. My DH doesn't drive. I have a full time job, a child who does activities at the weekends and a major house renovation going on.

I haven't seen her more than 3-4 times per year since about 2006(?).