How do you deal with emotional blackmail?

[EmotionalBlackmail]

NC for this.
My Mum (late 70s) was admitted to hospital recently. There was little I could do to help - I live more than 2 hours away, can't currently drive that distance (medical problem), didn't know how to disable her burglar alarm so couldn't get anything from her house anyway, hospital not allowing visitors so wouldn't have been able to see her.

But apparently I should have been there sitting around at the hospital waiting for something to happen on the off chance she could go home? I've talked to her previously about someone local having a key or using a key safe. She hasn't done either. I've talked about my travel limitations and my job (I work full time and have a child - I can't just drop everything).

She has local friends who aren't working and who don't have family responsibilities who can help. But apparently it's my responsibility?! My work's attitude is that compassionate leave is for a death or very serious illness and is for a day or two. Where there are friends and relatives able to provide support then they don't grant compassionate leave.

Anyone else had to deal with managing expectations of elderly parents about what you can and can't do?!

Thats frustrating, she needs to sort out a keysafe, online shopping, maybe getting outside help if she needs it, its not her neighbours responsibility either. What help do you think she might n33d, she can discuss this with the nurse or social worker.

It's really hard to tell. She's telling me and my brother different things (she doesn't like to bother him ) and different things again to her friends - I'm in direct contact with one of them.

She doesn't like "putting other people" out including her friends so won't ask them for things, even though they're much better placed eg she wouldn't ask the nurses on the ward if anyone had a compatible phone charger as they're so busy, but it was fine to expect me to take an entire day to do a return trip to look for hers (I wouldn't have been able to get into her house anyway!).

She chose to move close to all of her friends instead of moving to be near to my brother or me.

She knows how to shop on Amazon so could probably handle an online shop but wouldn't want to(!).

Include your brother in all communications and agree a plan to manage expectations.

Basically, you have to be brutal. No point beating about the bush. She's an adult, even if she's behaving like a toddler.

I have my entire share of fear, obligation and guilt...so I don't say any of this lightly.

Thank you, this is really reassuring! I had read up on FOG a while ago as she's always been difficult/nasty and has been getting worse as she ages - I had to implement some boundaries a while back to protect my family (DH and DD) from her.

In previous generations women in my family stopped work to care for elderly parents (in some cases didn't pursue marriage or a long term relationship!) or had part time pin money type jobs and lived close to the family member. Even if I wanted to (I don't!) I couldn't do this - I'm the main breadwinner. Just wish she could accept this

Are you farmers or rural as that sounds standard?

My DM has finally worked out after 29 years of expecting a servant to arrive that she does have to sort something herself. Ironically, I'm only off the hook as my mil is demented, so she's thinks I need to go look after her...

Another vote for firmer and higher boundaries. I noticed that she’s not a fan of doing things she doesn’t want to do but expects you to do a lot of stuff you don’t want to do e.g. she doesn’t want to include your brother, won’t ask friends for help etc. Despite you working full time, having your own children. She won’t like this but it’s just the way things are and l wouldn’t get into a debate about it

No advice, but remember that unless she is well into cognitive decline, she can understand your situation perfectly clearly but is choosing ro ignore it - I suppose she may think you are unreasonable to have a full time job and be the breadwinner.

But I would:

Be selective about when I answer the phone;

Answer "you know I can't do that Mum" on repeat and don't get drawn into a discussion

Worst comes to the worst and you still can't extricate yourself say "Ill ask Jim (brother) what he thinks/tell Jim OK bye now take care" and hang up without drawing breath.

Keep your distance. Make yourself unavailable to her. She’ll only get the message if you stick to your guns. it’s honestly that simple. People on this thread will give you support if you find the strength to be unavailable.
She’s obviously got worse since you last put in boundaries … so OP there is only one direction this will take. The ball is in your court. You have your own life.

Thank you - this all helps. It was really getting to me.

No, not farmers or rural but very working class. I can remember elderly relatives (now dead) equating going into a care home with being put in the workhouse!

The lockdowns were fantastic from this POV as we couldn't see her and had two Xmases without her. It was such a different experience.

My Mum hates my job and has moaned about it ever since I got it. There have been snide comments every time I've spoken to her. I've worked really hard to achieve this and the qualifications necessary to get there and my lovely DH is so supportive but she doesn't approve of my lifestyle or of him (she slags him off to her friends, although she doesn't know I'm aware of this). Surely you should want your children to be happy?!

It doesn't work like this for some people.

It offends their "natural order" where the the man goes out to work, woman does housework & caring. They look at any different arrangement as an affront.

I've been recommending Annalisa Barbieri's podcast on management of difficult older rellies to all my friends with awkward people.

Not ones affected by dementia tho, that nerds different strategies...

Needs.

Of course you should want your children to be happy. I can see no sense whatsoever in "disliking" your children's choice of home/job/spouse etch unless its making them unhappy (or is profoundly unethical, I suppose!).

Clearly none of these caveats apply here (you're not an arms trader are you?? 🤣) so by "disliking" your choices she is just being inflexible, and making herself unhappy for no good reason.

There was someone in our family like this a few generations back, nasty and judgemental about one of her children's life choices. Direct consequence was , her child emigrated far far away, and she hardly - or possibly never - saw him or her grandchildren after that.

I cope by seeing straight through her and not giving a shit.

Try it.
It's liberating.

Thanks @Wombat27A for the podcast recommendation It looks really interesting

Oooh, I might try that with a different CF gaslighting rellie...

Ta.

Not my dps but an aunt...
She expected me to be available way too much. I had many dc and didn't drive. And she lived 50 miles away. She got carers.
She still tried to guilt a lot out of me. She enlisted her aunt to travel by train with boxes of home made meals.... Not quite sure how the older aunt managed this tbh.. She lived further away and didn't drive. Carers went over and above but aunt was well off... She snubbed me after I refused a Christmas day invite. Dd was due Xmas eve. She never rang to wish us Merry Christmas or see if dd arrived safely.. She was a week late but I never contacted her either. Felt very used tbh.
When she died she left older dc money but not younger ones. Left house and all family valuables to her carer and the carer's dd..
As was her right.
Felt miffed she left her our family heirlooms but I guess that was my punishment for not being so available..
No regrets here though.

Oh gosh @Creepymanonagoatfarm that sounds awful and very controlling! Good thing you're well out of it.
Christmas often kicks off a lot of this stuff, doesn't it? I remember listing on MN (under different name) during Xmas 2019 as we'd had Mum to visit for five days and she nearly drove me mad with all the sniping, manipulation and negativity. Thankfully not had her anywhere near us the last two years so have had a really lovely enjoyable Christmas with my family.

I'm not a fan of Christmas either. Or birthdays.

I think this kind of emotional pressure / FOG / guilt-tripping is why many of us struggle badly with elderly parents, it's worse, in many ways, than the practical problems. It's common, almost instinctive I think in elderlies who have not got a good relationship with their children - so rely on guilt-triping to manipulate them into doing things. And it depends on the 'child' responding as a child, not wanting to upset parents, still looking for love and validation. So it's interesting to see how much of this mechanism relies on the child herself, putting the pressure on herself, constructing a powerful parent, blaming herself for not doing enough. The blackmail relies entirely on our own feelings of guilt, without these feelings we contribute ourselves, it would be entirely ineffective.

So I try not to contribute those feelings and give my DM power - I remind myself of all the reasons why various demands are unfair / not legitimate / don't consider my needs and I put those famous boundaries in place in that I decide what I will and won't do and over the years that has been considerably less than my DM wanted but tough - her life doesn't trump mine. It's harder than it sounds but I have got a lot better at it. I would say start the pattern of your future responses now, don't set up any expectations that you can be blackmailed into doing things you don't want to do. And listen to your feelings: if it feels deadly, or opressive, or frightening, or overwhelming then be alerted, we're not talking about social inconveniences and don't let self-appointed judges persuade you otherwise.

I have similar issues. Sister living abroad, bother and I 50 miles from folks. I work full time and my children are just starting new schools/colleges. Our business is in a precarious position and needs attention after covid etc. my dad is v poorly. I’m with them now but really need to get back to work 55 miles away. Brother has not been well. Sister keeps texting me and saying I need to stay 2 days 1 night with them per week but I can’t manage as often and want them to accept a care package. They won’t. I gave organised a woman into come in twice a week to help with washing. And there is a cleaner sometimes. I have a few important business trips coming up. My daughter has emotional issues and my son needs a lot of work. My husband is dealing with a long term health condition. My aunt and sister are putting on the pressure for me to be with folks. Sorry for hijacking this post OP. Xx

@thecatsmum12346 Not liking your sister one bit

@thecatsmum12346

Tell your sister either she needs to come over to stay or you'll be organising a care package

So you can give up your time but she can just carry on issuing orders?

I have a Dsis like this. I once asked my DH what he reckoned she thought of me and he said "staff". It was a bit of an eyeopener.

Tell them the options are care package, carehome or make do. Their choice or Social Services choice if there are safeguarding issues.

Much easier said than done!