Christmas dinner WWYD?

[jessieminto]

DM lives around 3 hrs away by herself. We have a very difficult relationship, history of neglect etc and I do my best but I have to protect my own MH as well. We speak every day, I visit 3-4 times a year plus drop everything when she needs me.

MIL & PIL live nearby and are amazing. So lovely and supportive. They do not like DM and I understand why. They very kindly hosted her for Christmas a few times but in the last few years PILs health has meant that I asked DM for privacy for them. She has not been for Christmas dinner since.

DM recently lost her last pet. She is not going to get another one, it's the right decision. She is truly on her own now.

How do I organise Christmas Day/dinner so that everyone is happy? PIL are likely to have all their other children out of the country this year, only DH here. Our DS is the only grandchild on both sides.

So as not to drip feed, I have a serious medical condition myself and have to consider what I can physically do. Cooking Christmas dinner myself for everyone may be doable but might not be. I literally won't know until the day or maybe a few days before. We have space for DM to stay with us, but she has form for just getting bored and leaving to go home. The last Christmas she came up to stay, she waited to open her presents on Christmas Day and immediately put them all in the car, then went home. Despite serious weather warnings as well. 3 more days of food/special dinners and tickets to activities were wasted.

How can I make this work for everyone?

As hard as it is I would not leave my DM alone for Christmas

A lot of families are doing Christmas Dinner at restaurants and hotels etc

Could you perhaps have your DM for Christmas Eve / day and then celebrate with your PIL on Boxing Day? And then alternate each year.

Your DH can cook the dinner, or at least help with it, surely?

Does your mother actually want to coem for Christmas?

you said previously she’s waited to open presents and promptly driven off home with her gifts, despite severe weather warnings by a.

I’d drop her presents to her before Christmas, make sure she’s as food and she can have the Christmas she wants.

invite IL’s over and order pre prepped Christmas food from M&S.

How can I make this work for everyone?

My gut reaction is that you probably can't. Sorry! I know what it's like tying yourself in knots to make everyone happy, and failing, so now I try to be more realistic.

Given your health issues I would do what makes most people happy, sounds like going to PIL for Christmas Day would do that. Your DM sounds difficult; she has made choices in the past which have been upsetting for you (neglect etc). Sorry to sound harsh but maybe she needs to face up to the consequences of how she has behaved.

Maybe invite her for Boxing Day onwards or New Year? Judging by past performance it doesn't sound like she's desperate to spend Christmas Day with you if she would leave as soon as she gets her presents! Your DH, DS and PILs deserve to have a nice time without it being spoiled by your mum.

Hope you come to a decision you are comfortable with.

Buy in Christmas lunch (splurge on Cook or M&S). I take it DM can still drive so invite her for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day assume she's going home on Boxing Day but it doesn't matter if she goes early. PIL come over for the day. They all get to enjoy DGC and you get your house back PDQ.

I have to say you already do an awful lot for someone where "We have a very difficult relationship, history of neglect etc" "We speak every day, I visit 3-4 times a year plus drop everything when she needs me" does sound as if you are very much dancing to her tune.

@Selttan It would be the first time in more than 40 years that PIL were not with their own children on Christmas Day and spending it by themselves. I don't think I can do that to them either.

DM has spent the last 4 yrs with us going to her for Boxing Day. But happy as she had her pets for company.

@ElizabethinherGermanGarden Yes I could set everything up and give him instructions to follow. It's the stress and mental load that is also difficult. DH does so much already for us and struggles himself. Our house is very untidy and needs deep cleaning but I'm not capable physically and he is not mentally able to cope with much more. It feels like we are all at breaking point and just clinging on. What we do next could break us.

Great suggestions re M&S I will look in to all that.

I'm so grateful to PILs for everything they do, it feels like I will be 'inflicting' DM on them if it's a joint Christmas Day. And I know they won't say how they really feel either.

She does want to come to stay, she has already asked. But may also be allergic to my pets, so it could all go wrong anyway.

Thanks for all the advice.

I would invite your Mother- with all her faults- one day she'll be gone and you will be glad you did all you could whilst she is here. Nobody should be alone at Christmas, unless they prefer to be!
Make life easier for yourself re Christmas Dinner- buy everything ready prepared in trays and bung it in the oven. Honestly, it will be just as nice or maybe nicer!
Easier said than done, but honestly, stop stressing out about it. It's only one dinner. Invite your Pil too- but be very easy breezy, explain you know your Mum can be tricky and you understand if they'd prefer to get together Christmas eve/boxing day/new years.. whenever instead..
What does your Mum want to do? You say she has a history of going home.. perhaps it all gets too much for her and she prefers to be in own house? In which case, could you all go out to eat somewhere near your Mums, she can go home in the eve and you guys can go back to hotel/air b&b and get the feet up by the fire? Mum could join if she's up for it? Then see pil for a lovely day together another day over the season?
Seriously, it's all alot of faff and stress for one day isn't it. It will all be fine... kids will be happy whatever you do and you have loads if time to make a plan that suits everyone (ish!) It might not be perfect, but nothing ever is!

Noone should be alone at Christmas. Either host (yes you can it's only a meal ) or book somewhere for everyone to go

What age is she?

Sounds like she is so antisocial and difficult she deserves to be alone. Tell her you'll get together as able later in the week.

Also just a thought but many people are desperate for pet sitting at holidays; could she take in an animal?

These comments saying no one should be alone at Christmas I find a bit naive.

If the person is not a pleasant person and has been abusive in the past (I'm assuming based on op saying history of neglect) why should the other person have to suck it up so they aren't alone?

She is in her 70's and is antisocial, yes. She says awful things, doesn't have a filter, won't stop talking about inappropriate things at dinner for example.

But she has asked to be with us this year.

She left early one year because she needed her own home. She is very lonely but also isolates herself and doesn't get on very well with other people. She discharged herself from hospital against medical advice twice in the last year as she just wanted to go home.

There is a loose offer/plan that she can move in with us when she is ready, sell her house and fund building a granny flat on our property. This is rather than her go in to a home. Building the granny flat is cheaper than buying in a retirement development. She definitely needs her own space to be by herself.

Could she stay somewhere nearby and join you in the day? That way she gets some time and space to herself but isn’t completely alone for Christmas

It's only August why are you worrying about this now?
You only need a short amount of time to organise a dinner.
STOP trying to please everyone.
No need to book concerts/events for your mother. Book what you want to book for yourself/DH and your DC.

Your mother sounds nasty and spiteful, and with your history why on earth would you even consider her living with you? If she is bad now she will only get worse with age.
I would suggest she stays in a hotel/guest house over Christmas and comes to you for dinner.

Re your PIL, maybe they have plans?

Invite your mam. Yes might be more difficult but you may regret it if you don't. Nobody should be alone at Christmas expecially, obviously if she doesn't want to fair enough but always offer.

Is there a Premiere Inn nearby she could stay in?

What a dilemma for you. If she stays home could you do video chatting and send her gifts on ahead?

If your Mum can only cope socialising for a short time, only invite her for a short time and time it so it doesnt impact you much if she leaves early. How about you have her for Xmas Eve and do a nice dinner and maybe even presents that evening. Then nice breakfast Christmas morning (with stockings and presents if you dont do them the night before) and send her off with a nice M and S dinner all packed up and ready for her to pop in the oven when she gets home. Then go to the PILS for lunch/dinner.

What do YOU and DH want? You count too!

First off, I would look into hiring cleaners specifically to deep clean the house. Don't do it for Christmas; do it because it will help your mental health.

Next, I would look at a really easy, low-fuss day. Either with your mum or with your in laws. Neither will die if it's delayed by a few days (e.g. you see one set Xmas Eve and the other Boxing Day). It's called Christmas week for a reason.

You are not going to please everyone, so do what is viable for your family.

I would book a restaurant somewhere between both houses and go there

Do not build a granny flat, it will be a disaster and when you can’t cope it causes all sorts of monetary issues when/if she does need to go into a home. If you can’t always book dinner you can’t care for your mum 24/7. I’d invite her, get an M&S dinner and let her go early.

"It feels like we are all at breaking point and just clinging on. What we do next could break us."*
*
OP, I'm sorry to hear this. In that case, you must put your own well-being first, particularly if you are the centre of gravity for the family. A quiet family Christmas at home with your mum the day before and DH's parents the day after might be a fair compromise.

Eek! You don’t have to try and please everyone! What do YOU want to do?

Think about that - seriously- then take it from there. You sound so used to putting other people first that you’re actively seeking out scenarios that will make you unhappy. You’re stuck in a cycle of guilt and obligation.

And I would knock all thoughts of the granny flat on the head. Everyone else is an adult here, people make life choices, if they’re nasty or unpleasant to be around then they must bear the consequences.
Put yourself first for once.

I was going to suggest the same thing. Really lovely Christmas eve dinner and breakfast, open stockings with your DS, then she's free to go home and you go to PILs late morning