Christmas dinner WWYD?

[jessieminto]

DM lives around 3 hrs away by herself. We have a very difficult relationship, history of neglect etc and I do my best but I have to protect my own MH as well. We speak every day, I visit 3-4 times a year plus drop everything when she needs me.

MIL & PIL live nearby and are amazing. So lovely and supportive. They do not like DM and I understand why. They very kindly hosted her for Christmas a few times but in the last few years PILs health has meant that I asked DM for privacy for them. She has not been for Christmas dinner since.

DM recently lost her last pet. She is not going to get another one, it's the right decision. She is truly on her own now.

How do I organise Christmas Day/dinner so that everyone is happy? PIL are likely to have all their other children out of the country this year, only DH here. Our DS is the only grandchild on both sides.

So as not to drip feed, I have a serious medical condition myself and have to consider what I can physically do. Cooking Christmas dinner myself for everyone may be doable but might not be. I literally won't know until the day or maybe a few days before. We have space for DM to stay with us, but she has form for just getting bored and leaving to go home. The last Christmas she came up to stay, she waited to open her presents on Christmas Day and immediately put them all in the car, then went home. Despite serious weather warnings as well. 3 more days of food/special dinners and tickets to activities were wasted.

How can I make this work for everyone?

I would strongly discourage you from the granny flat idea. You don’t sound well enough to be your mum’s carer, you have a complicated relationship and she’s difficult at the best of times. It would be far better for her to buy a retirement property.

I'd focus on getting a cleaner and asking DH what his preference is.

You can cook Christmas dinner, it doesn't have to be the big elaborate meal. Just a Sunday dinner with pigs in blankets and cranberry sauce.

Can't you book a restaurant for Christmas lunch that is equidistant for all of you?

Then you all have 3-4 hours having lunch and exchange gifts then go your separate ways?

Your PIL might love Xmas Day on their own. I would check first before tying yourself in knots.
It took me several years to realise "not wanting to be a burden" actually meant "we love Xmas day on our own, invite us any day but Xmas itself"

For the last few years my husband and I have stayed home Christmas morning, cooked our own meal and then gone off to our children's homes for the afternoon for a couple of hours. We all live fairly close to each other. It saves my children stressing out too much, cooking for multiple people. Would this be acceptable for your PIL? They sound like nice people who would understand your health/mother issues.

Separate the two events. Visit your mum on 23rd for a token seasonal visit /meal /whatever, return and have Christmas at yours with your lovely PiLs.
To all the people saying “no one should be alone at Christmas”: bollocks. If you are a decent human being, who treats others well, then you deserve similar treatment in return. There’s nothing in the ops posts to suggest that her ‘D’M behaves decently.

This. No granny flat.

You deserve to lead your own life.

Thank you everyone. I've got a bit of a plan now for Christmas that I think will work. Some other comments about putting everyone else first hit hard, I'm going to think a lot more about that. And also about how much I give, considering how much DM has given and not given over the years.

Hope you’re ok.
It can be scary to see your life through other people’s eyes. Please do have a good think about things and make some changes. It really is fine to put yourself first at times.

Could you invite your mum, you and her have a Tesco Christmas meal for 2, your DH guests to his parents for lunch and then he prepares an evening buffets, cheese board etc for you, your mum and himself? You could ask her to stay no longer than Boxing Day.

Just tell your mother, in laws, and anyone else who is expecting you to cater for them over Christmas, that you will be booking Christmas dinner at X pub/restaurant this year and to let you know by X date if they wish to be included for Christmas dinner at this venue.

Life’s too short to be pandering to everyone’s needs OP. Let them decide what they wish to do. Other peoples demands are not your problem.

Go out for lunch. Come home. Play with your children. Have wine and chocs. No hassle. Sorted. Nobody can please everybody. There’s no point trying. Have a great Christmas 🎅🏻 🎄 🍷

Christmas alone can be fantastic, & plenty of people would prefer it to being with family, so your mother may not necessarily want to come to you.

Give yourself a break (& maybe cut down the excessive number of phone calls too).

I think the deep clean is a great idea. Then once that’s done the other plans for the day should be easier to put into place.

I did wonder if they might enjoy the day alone even if it’s something they just do once.

I’m here to second a word with the IL’s. Have they had any ideas of doing a different Christmas? This year might be the year of opportunities for them with no pressure or hard feelings on any side.

Get them sorted out and then deal with your mother. It might be that you may never satisfy/ make her happy so I suggest - discussion with IL’s, decide on your own parameters and then discussion with your own DM.

IMO, clarity never goes astray.