I have to move my mum into a new care home, what do I tell her?

[Mxflamingnoravera]

My mum has been getting very anxious and delusional again of late. She thinks I've been kidnapped and despite regular face time calls won't be talked out of it. So she's been leaving the building (she has a DOLS order) to look for me.
The dementia nurse came to see her yesterday and said that this is a safeguarding issue and I can see that it is. The mañager has now given me notice that that I have to find her somewhere else.

I have found somewhere. It's brand new and have vacancies. But I just don't know how to tell her why she's moving. She's moving on Wednesday so I need some ideas to start to see the thread of the idea that she's moving. But I just don't know what to say.

So far I've come up with a holiday, more things to do because she's bored where she is, but not sure if either will cut the mustard. She's constantly packing "to go home" so I could go with that but when we get there she'll know it's not her home (which is a feeling, not a place, I uderstsnd that).

Any ideas?

And can I ask for ambulance help to move her as I can barely walk myself due to sciatica?

I'm done in. Can't cope with any more. Sorry. I'm feeling very poor me right now.

What is her memory like? What if you said that they were going to be decorating the current place and she was going to a respite centre for a couple of weeks. After a couple of weeks would she ask whether she was going back? It would mean that you could say to her I like it better here don't you?

If her memory is really poor you could say it’s for one night and maybe just keep repeating that?

When I was in this position we said they were going for a stay in a hotel. We’d say things like they deserved the break as they’d worked hard all their life and we continued it the whole time. The food is good here isn’t it, ooh they really do look after you well here, what great service etc. it worked, mostly.

I like the hotel idea thats brilliant!

OP - I doubt the ambulance service will move her - they sometimes don't even come out to urgent calls. Have you got any siblings or family or friends that you could ask to transport her?

I have no siblings and my partner doesn't drive. I can barely drive myself at the moment because of sciatica.

I didn't think ambulance (I didn't man 999 emergency btw) would but a friend said they did it for their mum, bug that was in Lancashire and I'm in Bristol.

I'll ask around but everyone I know works and so are not free when the move is to happen. I suppose a man and a van to do the transport whilst I drive mum in my car could be a solution... why didn't I think of that before?

Your mum should have a social worker so ask them about transport. Don't let it become your responsibility. Ask for help with the GP one see if there's a local volunteer service who can help.

Hi Op you have 2 options taxi ( wheelchair if needed) or if your are not up to that there are private ambulance firms that may be able to help?

If you are really struggling talk to the home ( they will use services to get patients around) or your Mum's GP surgery or the adult social care team to explain the problem and make it clear that she has been given notice.

Good luck I think a nice day out might be the best option, you can always go back for her stuff in the afternoon?

Our nursing home takes Dad to his preferred dentist, but charges for the carer who goes with him. I would tell them triumphantly that you’ve found a new home and ask them to move.

They might claim she’s no longer their responsibility once she walks out of the door but it’s worth a try.

If you’re driving her yourself just move her to begin with, then go back for her stuff.
If you’re using a taxi tell them what you are doing and that you need a big vehicle, or a private ambulance is another option.

The ambulance service won’t help here as it’s nothing to do with NHS services.
does you mum have a wheelchair? Booking a wheelchair accessible taxi would probably be the best option unless either home has their own transport that could be used (and no doubt paid for)
I would go with telling her the truth, it sounds as if she won’t be able to retain the information whatever you tell her.
Tell her you’ve found somewhere new for her to live and it’s lovely. The staff are great and will look after her and keep her safe.
Hope it goes well

Does one of tje care homes have an accessible mini bus for taking people out? They might be able to transport her for a fee.

Hi all,it's less the transport as the stuff. I can manage a short drive but I cannot lift or carry anything. So on reflection and with ideas from here I think I'll find a person with a van to do the removals part and then drive her there myself.
I only only own one large travel bag and she has none, so I'll borrow some from friends and neighbours and then get the stuff over there that way.

Telling her, I think will involve going with where she is in her head. At the moment she thinks she's on a cruise. So when she asked when she will dock I said Wednesday and I'll come and pick her up. (Obvs not said and take you to new care home) but wondering how to describe where we are going...a lovely hotel for a few weeks till we decide where you want to live?

I'll phone admiral nurses later I'm sure they'll help with ideas for how to do this gently. They are so good.

NOne of the homes I've visited will do any transport. Not even to the dentist.

Have you discussed the anxiety and delusions with her GP? Does she take anything to calm her? My nan was extremely anxious and phoning constantly to check on my mums welfare. Her GP gave her a mild sedative. Not to make her drowsy or sleep, but just to take the edge off enough that she wasn't constantly fretting and in panic mode. This might ease things on moving day.

I'd ask the homes how they normally transfer patients to other care facilities? The red cross might be able to help with an extra pair of hands or to borrow a wheelchair.

www.redcross.org.uk/get-help

We used those giant laundry bags to pack up stuff. Neither care home would help with transport.
got a man with van to deal with furniture and bags and a lovely disabled black cab (London) who had a wheelchair to transport. Used him again to pick up DM and a carer to come to a wedding and take them back again.
None of this was with the help of the care home. We asked the carers who wanted to do it on their day off for extra cash

We told my mother that they were going for respite care. The first few days she asked often when she was going home.

A week later, she was convinced that she was on a cruise. We think it might have been because it was fine weather and she was wheeled outside in a bath chair, not unlike the kind of steamer chairs found on deck.

Hope your mothers move goes equally well.

It's a good idea to prepare yourself for questions about going home you you don't find yourself blurting something out ...

Whatever explanation you give will probably 'slip' later but I would just emphasise that you think it's safe and a better place to stay. I don't know where you are Mx but where I am and where my DM is, you can book something called either hospital transport or patient transport which is council-run and is basically a souped-up minibus with trained driver, they have been very nice. Care homes can usually book them but I've been able to book myself via the council.

Another vote for a GP review to consider medication, if she's so anxious that she's unsafe.

I know I'm not an expert but the undermedication of huge distress and anxiety in older people bugs me hugely. My mum was in so much distress before and now isn't.

I would just tell her she’s moving into a new home. However you word it she’s going to be unsettled. Being honest with her is best.
regarding the actual moving, you can hire wheelchairs from various places, and book a black cab that has wheelchair access.
this place does daily wheelchair hire www.bristolshopmobility.co.uk/daily-hire.html
and here’s the details for wheelchair accessible taxis in your area. www.bristoltaxihire.co.uk/services/wheelchair-taxis/
I would also contact the current care home to let them know you may not be able to organise moving on Wednesday.

Being honest isn’t always best though as it can cause more distress.
I listened to a R4 programme about dementia and one lady they interviewed said the only way to get her mum to the doctors was to tell her they were going on a flight because she used to love to travel. They would tell her the doctor had to check she was fit to fly then unfortunately the “flight” was cancelled after having been seen.
No one got distressed or upset and it was all about using the reference point of the dementia sufferer. The lady in that case associated waiting with airports.

It was the prescribing dementia nurse that kicked all this off. He said she is clearly not been safeguarded and would look into medication for the anxiety. The home immediately went into we can't look after her and served me notice.
The nurse called me later that day to say he'd arranged for a script for pregabalin for her (she has a PRN for lorezepam) but the home had already served the notice and I'd found her somewhere else.
In the end I think the move once done will be better for her as they are a dementia specialist home and also go all the way to end of life care. There is more going on, she's bored where she is, she's told me that many times so although I was devastated when they said she had to go, once I found a new place I realised that it's probably best. My biggest problem is getting her there with my own sciatica which makes walking painful and carrying stuff impossible.
A cousin in London has offered to come and help, I may have to take him up on it. I hadn't even thought about the walking bit for her, she's using a frame that belongs to the current home. I'll need to buy one for her asap.

I hope it works out for you. You can hire wheelchairs/walkers from the Red Cross if that helps and many local authorities have a ring and ride wheelchair transport service. The best advice we had was that when you’re talking with someone with dementia is to go to the world that they’re inhabiting rather than constantly trying to bring them back to the real world. So if they think that their Husband is still alive you don’t upset them by telling them he died years so, you just agree. It’s much less stressful for them. I really hope you manage the move seamlessly and your Mum is happy in her new home.

My MIL was in a dementia specialist homme. You're doing the right thing by moving your mum to one. Staff that are specially trained and an environment designed for confused people makes all the difference. My mum was in a ' normal' care home and the care of those with dementia was half hearted and clueless.

A taxi for your mum and a man with a small van for her stuff of the way to go. But if you're only talking clothes and trinkets as her possessions, then those big checked zipped laundry bags would fit in a taxi with you both.

In my area there's a service called Handy Help from Age UK that is a man and a van who will move stuff, try Googling Age UK in your area to see if they have that service. Also there is a volunteer taxi service that only charge nominal fee/costs, or a wheelchair taxi will wheel her into it and out the other end without you having to do anything.