Grieving father just tried to take his own life

[ItsAllUptoUsNow]

I've NC'd for this as I'm on here a lot and I've included a lot of information. I should also warn that this is a long and uneasy read, but I'm in an extremely difficult situation with my dad.

My elderly mum died peacefully of natural causes in early July, after a very long and happy life, with her children and grandchildren always around her.

She'd had increasing health and mobility issues over the last five years and my dad was her main carer, with me making their evening meals most nights, as we live very nearby with our teen DCs, so saw and continue to see him a lot each week. My sister also comes to stay with him all the time now as they're particularly close.

We're abroad currently and my sister phoned me in tears from her home town yesterday morning to say she'd received an email from my dad, sent late the night before, explaining that he was going to take his own life that night and the reasons why. She immediately called the police and drove to his house, to find they had had to break the door down and found him unconscious but alive, [method redacted by MNHQ].

I offered to fly home but she said it would over-complicate things as her partner is supporting her. My dad has today been sent home from hospital and miraculously seems ok, but he's furious with my sister for preventing his passing and is talking about trying again soon.

He's a very bright, pragmatic and unemotional person and just doesn't see the point now in going on with his life, so I'm facing a truly horrible situation on our return - potentially finding him in the next week or so in a new and better attempt that my teen DCs may also witness as we're at his house a lot.

I just don't know what to do next and just wondered if anyone could offer advice or has been in a similar situation. We really thought things were looking positive when we went abroad (we're back this Sunday) as he's been managing to get out and do things for himself that he's really been unable to do for the last five years, but sadly it's not the case.

Apologies for such a long post!

That sounds absolutely horrific. I am so very, very sorry. I would go home if I was you. Or could you get him to go to you?

We leave for home tomorrow morning anyway and my sister and partner are currently with him, but they leave for London on Monday so it will be down to me and my DH.

Op thats awful im so sorry, have the hospital refered him to any support groups at all?

Assuming he was assessed by the mental health team in hospital? Did he tell them his intentions to end his own life again? He needs urgent support from GP and community psychiatric services. They need to be made aware of his intentions straight away. It is possible to section someone under the mental health act if the are denned a risk to themselves

Hi OP, we just wanted to let you know that we've edited your post slightly as we don't allow suicide methods to be detailed on the boards. Wishing you all the best

Offering support to you op but no words fo advise, situations like this are difficult and I'm a believer that everyone should have a choice so I don't think my opinion would be wanted or of any comfort

I think you should support him whilst also understanding his reasons and trying not to judge him for having had enough.

i wonder if you could reach out to local widow/widower groups? They were a lifeline to my Mum. Also the local church. Even if he wasn’t a parishioner I wonder if they might be able to support him in some way?

That’s very sad. I’m genuinely surprised he was discharged from hospital without mental health admission being offered and Mental health act assessment if he declined.

He is obviously grieving and it sounds like he is still actively suicidal, he needs professional support. I’m an RMN in older mental health and this would absolutely be grounds for inpatient care.

He does need urgent assessment and they need to know he is still planning to end his life.

Exactly. It's his choice, but boy it's a biggie and something you never anticipate having to deal with in your own life until it happens.

He's had a really great life, truly, but the end is the end. My sister has even looked into Dignitas in Switzerland, but even they seem to (it's not entirely clear) stipulate that you need to prove you have a terminal physical or mental condition that's deteriorating and it not be for 'selfish reasons' which sadly I think his would be classed as.

I am so sorry you're going through this.

I think that honestly if he is determined then he will do it, he just now knows to not send any communications before hand so you need to protect your teen children and ensure that they do not go to his house without you and that you go in first. And I appreciate how horrible that is and how difficult it is to think like that.

I lost my mum when I was 21 to suicide, my younger teenage brother found her and it is something that will never leave him.

If there are opportunities for you to try to engage him in any activities that may provide new friendships or drive then seek those out and try to get him involved.

I'm so, so sorry you went through this. So many of my friends have lost loved ones too soon, and it almost made me feel guilty for the grief I'm going through with my mum, and now with my dad.

It really is the circle of life that you can never anticipate until it happens.

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime I'm sorry you went through this. It's awful
I agree that if OP's father is of sound enough mind to be spoken to about the impact of such actions on you and your children that it may be worth the horrible conversation (not instead of also referring him to services and your support of course). Hugs

I would phone his GP first thing in the morning and tell them he is intending to end his life. He needs urgent assessment/intervention. If you cannot get to speak to a GP tomorrow then phone the Crisis team directly - Google for the number in your area.

You really can’t tell. He might be determined now but with timely intervention change his mind.

I meant to say I’m really sorry to hear about your mum, that’s very sad.

I’m so sorry. This sounds very difficult.

I think you need a few plans: a plan to get him medical / mental health help; a plan to help him find more meaning in life (E.g. social, hobbies, nature, a pet); a plan to protect your children from the risk they will find him if he ends his life; a plan for you and your sister and other family to find support in dealing with this.

I’m sorry

I’m not sure what to say here.

Firstly, op, I’m sad for your loss and for what you and your family are going through now.

you say your mum had a long and happy life, how old is Dad?

I’m not in the situation myself but I know your dad is not just grieving to consider that step. And as awful as it sounds, bearing in mind the circumstances, living needing massive mental health support to stop you taking your own life seems as cruel as continuing life support when someone will have no quality of life.

If he is set on this, there need to be some big conversations about practicalities, and he must know, if he calls and tells someone what he’s done, then it changes everything.

what an horrific time for you all xxx

I am so sorry about what you're going through. You need to talk to him about the legacy and despair and specifically trauma suicide leaves for other people. You are asking him to live for others and that's the truth. You need to remind him he is a valued and loved father and that his life and presence still matters. However, if he believes in euthanasia he is likely to not understand.

Unfortunately we have come round to the non-condemnation of suicide and this is the result. A defeatist and devastating acceptance of 'personal choice', never mind the impact on family, society etc. This is where the logic leads us.

I do not wish to be rude about your father but he is giving up and it is wrong. His life will be difficult but the legacy he would leave for his Grandchildren is that it is alright to give up when things are bad.

This is deeply sad, and he is obviously in great pain. Perhaps you could sit down with him, and say how much you appreciate his suffering, but point out that killing himself is essentially passing on the pain that he can't tolerate to you, his children and grandchildren. It is ultimately saying that life without his wife is too hard for him to contemplate, but he wants you, your sister and his grandchildren to inherit the pain of his grief as well as their own. This sometimes gives perspective to potential suicides. However, if he is determined to go ahead and kill himself, there is little you can do to stop him. Just tell him he needs to inform the police or somebody (not family) where and when he can be found, so that your poor children don't have to carry that trauma for the rest of their lives as well. It sounds harsh, but the reality of suicide is very painful and traumatizing. I hope he gets some perspective and embraces the rest of his life as much as he can.

if he is currently actively suicidal (has plans), you can contact crisis team (emergency mental health) or a&e. If he is thinking that there is no point and feeling down - you can go to gp. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope he manages to get help.

Talk to him. Just talk to him. He needs to feel heard and also so do you. You can’t stop anyone doing this sort of thing but if you can get to the bottom of it and it happens anyway you may have more understanding than those who never found out why or how. Or you can remind him of reasons he is valued and loved and important and essential to you. And if that doesn’t stop him, he’ll know that for sure anyway.

@excitingusername agree with this entirely

I’m sorry but I really don’t agree in this case that your dad is making a rational Choice from what you have written . He is grieving and it is not unusual for people to feel hopeless and desperate but he needs support and treatment to get through it. He has children, maybe grandchildren, there is hope for him to recover and enjoy his family and he deserves that chance.

I’m a pragmatist, I know we can’t save everybody even though that’s entirely expected of mental health services but it makes me sad that suicide is somehow seen as more acceptable because someone is older. There is still treatment and good hope for recovery with the right support💐

This.

OP I am so sorry to hear of the pain your family is going through.

I do not wish to be rude about your father but he is giving up and it is wrong. His life will be difficult but the legacy he would leave for his Grandchildren is that it is alright to give up when things are bad

I couldn’t disagree more. My elderly father took his own life earlier this year under different circumstances. He had had a neurodegenerative disorder for some years and his quality of life was diminishing - he was aware that he was likely to experience significant cognitive decline and a total loss of independence. He had an Advance Decision to Refuse Treatment in place for several years, so this was not a sudden decision, but he had been experiencing difficulty swallowing, resulting in choking, so made his own decision. As his daughter, I feel that my father made a rational choice and I’m sorry that the laws in this country meant that he had to do this on his own and without support.

Coincidentally, my children’s paternal grandfather had a very similar neurodegenerative condition.He died bedridden, not recognising his own family and my children describe his last year as an existence rather than a life. I don’t think they learnt anything positive from the experience. Both of my children feel that my father made a logical choice for him (obviously many other people would not wish to make the same decision and that is fine too). My father’s family are grieving, but we are not traumatised.

I am not sure why people think that quantity of life supersedes quality of life in the very elderly or the terminally ill who wish to end their suffering. Suicide in the young and healthy is very different in my opinion and it is a scandal that mental health services are so underfunded that people feel that taking their own life is their only option