Grieving father just tried to take his own life

[ItsAllUptoUsNow]

I've NC'd for this as I'm on here a lot and I've included a lot of information. I should also warn that this is a long and uneasy read, but I'm in an extremely difficult situation with my dad.

My elderly mum died peacefully of natural causes in early July, after a very long and happy life, with her children and grandchildren always around her.

She'd had increasing health and mobility issues over the last five years and my dad was her main carer, with me making their evening meals most nights, as we live very nearby with our teen DCs, so saw and continue to see him a lot each week. My sister also comes to stay with him all the time now as they're particularly close.

We're abroad currently and my sister phoned me in tears from her home town yesterday morning to say she'd received an email from my dad, sent late the night before, explaining that he was going to take his own life that night and the reasons why. She immediately called the police and drove to his house, to find they had had to break the door down and found him unconscious but alive, [method redacted by MNHQ].

I offered to fly home but she said it would over-complicate things as her partner is supporting her. My dad has today been sent home from hospital and miraculously seems ok, but he's furious with my sister for preventing his passing and is talking about trying again soon.

He's a very bright, pragmatic and unemotional person and just doesn't see the point now in going on with his life, so I'm facing a truly horrible situation on our return - potentially finding him in the next week or so in a new and better attempt that my teen DCs may also witness as we're at his house a lot.

I just don't know what to do next and just wondered if anyone could offer advice or has been in a similar situation. We really thought things were looking positive when we went abroad (we're back this Sunday) as he's been managing to get out and do things for himself that he's really been unable to do for the last five years, but sadly it's not the case.

Apologies for such a long post!

Im going to add a thought or view that may not be relevant or welcome so please ignore it and no offence intended.

When I have watched people struggle with terminal illness and then attend their funerals I've stated openly that if I ever find myself facing the end my wishes are to host a 'living funeral' as it seems such a wasted opportunity to have so many loved ones gathered in one place and to miss it.

Would it be worth taking his wishes seriously and offer him the option of such an event (admittedly if he's deeply depressed and grieving this might not be something he would welcome). But maybe seeing people and being told how much he means to each of them semi-formally might make him see his life and continuing to be alive is of value to people.
And if such an event doesn't sway him at least he will have the opportunity to say a proper goodbye before he carries out his wishes to exit this mortal coil.

I am so sorry this is happening to your dad and to your family. It's a living nightmare.

My teen has been suicidal recently and was provided with very little in the way of mental health support. It's the NHS in crisis.

Michaelmonstera - thank you for this post. It’s so important to hear of these situations for people who cannot possibly imagine it. People live through conditions we wouldn’t put a dog through. And it’s so patronising to suggest what they need is therapy.

I do not agree that people who no longer wish to live are mentally ill and need intervention. My regrets are that there is no option for your dad to talk openly to you all about his wishes and have your love and support without being made to feel guilty or selfish. It must be hard for him to know his choices and current legislation in the U.K. will mean members of his family finding him unexpectedly.

Thank you for all these incredibly helpful and intelligent replies - they really are helping us to deal with this.

I agree entirely with Carohart. But I do think some older people should be able to choose when to end their own lives. I’m sorry your dad feels like this. Just prepare yourself as he might succeed next time. I’d keep the entire situation a secret from your children as much as possible though.

Different scenario: your father had a terminal illness. OP’s father does not he is simply currently wracked with grief.

I have seen elderly people go through this phase after the death of a spouse and come out the other side. His wife has only been dead a month.

Decisions made in the depth of grief and sorrow may not necessarily reflect his whole heart and mind. That’s why it’s important he gets proper care now.

@IrisVersicolor that's a really hopeful insight, thank you.

Can you explain what you mean by 'proper care' - is that professional care or kindness and understanding from us?

Oh how awful for you all and I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your mum which you will undoubtedly still be grieving for. Naturally.
Did he receive any care at the hospital re counselling or support of any kind?
Take care

Well both. I was referring to professional care there, but care and kindness and warmth from the family is fundamental.

It is not "wrong" to wish to die by suicide, and it has not been a criminal offence for over 60 years. Each of us as an individual is free to make our own choices. All the family can do is listen without judgement - trying to guilt trip someone about the impact on others is not the way to approach this. This gentleman needs to be respected and listened to.

As a widow of suicide and one who knows many others (particularly women and children) who have likewise been abandoned and traumatised by people (quite often men) giving up on their lives, I completely disagree that there is no moral issue to be discussed about suicide and whether people have a duty to see things through. The desire to be empathetic at all costs means we have gone full circle and now we have 'angel of death' mentality which is more likely to 'enable' the suicide than dissuade - you are a prime example of people who think like this. Noone has to 'listen without judgement' - this is utter garbagespeak, they are free to make judgements on people's behaviour just like anyone. The man is a Father and Grandfather and just because he cannot comprehend his life without his wife and writes himself off due to age doesn't make his decisions right.

Listen to his problems yes, but feeling like you are not allowed to present a 'moral' debate about suicide and the impact on others and society to those who wish to die, is oppressive nonsense and enables the person who is threatening to harm themself at the cost of everyone else's wellbeing.

His life might not technically have much meaning, but heck, plenty of us could see the world through that lens. Suicide leaves a devastating legacy. This man is grieving and not terminally ill and should be helped to value his life.

Oh goodness, I'm so sorry! It's such early days of grief that I think it's 100% natural to feel that way especially after spending a lifetime together. As your mum's carer, he might feel he's lost his 'purpose' too. However, anyone who's been through grief knows that those horrendous, overwhelming feelings at the start, do begin to settle a little as the months go on. Of course everyone is different, but the feelings do change shape with the process of time.

Sounds as though your dad needs urgent mental health support but also if your dad is mobile and fit enough, would getting him a dog or a pet help? Having the routine of daily walks and something else to care for can be a game changer for many people. Also, while he's in this crisis, could he move in with one of you? Although it sounds like he's got lots of family support, this might help with any feelings of isolation when he's alone.

I hope you're able to get the support you need!