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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dad is on his own - 87 years old

49 replies

FifeQuine · 14/08/2022 20:21

I’ve been reading some of the posts on this thread and found it all to be so supportive, so I thought I’d like to tell you my situation.

DM died very suddenly about 6 weeks ago. She was at the shops, then an hour later she was gone. No illnesses, even the doctors commented on it. She was 84, it was probably a cardiac arrest.

My DF is 87, they were married for over 60 years and he is completely lost.
She did everything for him – even laying out the clothes for him to wear and taking the plastic top off his Asda trifle. Last week we were told that he has Parkinson’s – which I had guessed – and the start of dementia.
Which wasn’t a surprise as you can’t have a proper conversation with him now.
He’s very confused; puts food in the oven then tries to turn on the microwave, seems to have forgotten how to use the mobile phone, goes out for a walk and leaves the door unlocked or even wide open.

I spoke to him on the phone today and he was fine, remembering people from a few years ago and telling me he’d been out to the local shops. Then an hour later he was calling me on his house phone crying, telling me he was afraid he’d be left alone, he’d lost my mum was he going to lose me. I live 3 hours drive away so I can’t just pop round, but I've stayed with him on and off for about a month since we lost mum. My cousin’s going in every day but she can’t do that forever. We’re waiting for a care assessment and more assessments of his Parkinson’s/dementia.

I think I’m going to get his care sorted out eventually even although he won’t be happy with people in his house, and I'm not sure he'll get it paid for or how long it will take to get sorted..

He’s told me a couple of times he’s not going in a home. But he’s so unhappy and I can’t help.

OP posts:
Nsky62 · 14/08/2022 20:26

He’s suffering shock, grief and dementia poor man

cocktailclub · 14/08/2022 20:36

It was the other way round for my parents. Hard at first to work out if it was grief or dementia or a mixture. We live far away so got carers in a few times a week for company. She's now in a care home but this is nine years on.

TheGander · 14/08/2022 21:40

My heart goes out to you this is really hard ( I’ve been down the dementia journey with my dad). You have to support him but at the same time not exhaust yourself in the process. I found for me an excess of empathy was detrimental, I ended up seeing it as a job I had to do to the best of my ability and then set it aside till the next time I saw him or I’d be consumed. When people are that elderly and have dementia there can be no limit to their needs and they don’t have the inhibitions younger/ more well persons would have about demanding help, support, reassurance etc. You’ve also lost your mum so please think of yourself too.

Original poster
FifeQuine · 15/08/2022 20:29

That you all for replying. I've spent the day on the phone to care agencies as the state services are going to take months. DH is being very good and reminding me that I have to have a life, not just give up everything for my dad. Wish me luck.

OP posts:
sundayvibeswig22 · 15/08/2022 21:11

That sounds so hard and caring for parents in later life is one of the reasons I moved back to my home city. Would he move closer to you?

Solasum · 15/08/2022 21:14

Might it be possible to move him in to a home very local to you?

Original poster
FifeQuine · 15/08/2022 21:42

There's a home literally at the bottom of my street, about 10 minutes walk away. But then there is a place just across from where he lives now, and my gran was in there for a while and it was lovely, she liked it. Nothing is off the table right now.

OP posts:
Solasum · 15/08/2022 22:12

He doesn’t want to go into any home, and the nature of the illness is that he will deteriorate more and need more care. This being the case, I think you need to try and be as dispassionate about it all as possible and make the logistics work sustainably for YOU.

He probably isn’t going to understand where he is after a short time anyway, and if he is somewhere safe with his own furniture etc about him, and you can visit regularly, that is probably the best possible outcome?

Sending you 💐 and strength

MrsMoastyToasty · 15/08/2022 22:23

Can you sell him the idea of going into a home "for a break " or pretend that it's a holiday while you sort the rewiring/ decorate/insert imaginary task?

Quitelikeit · 15/08/2022 22:26

Gosh I can’t believe he is able to stay home given the risk he poses.

at least unconnect the cooker and organise meals on wheels

makecsure he carries his address in his wallet

you should call the duty social work team

Original poster
FifeQuine · 16/08/2022 04:04

It's 4am and he's just phoned me to try out his phone. He doesn't know if it's day or night. He says he's lost his wallet but I don't know if he has or not. He's "lost" it before and it's in his pocket. I don't know if he has phoned anyone else, part of me wishes he would so that the NHS can see how bad he is. I'll be phoning the social work team in the morning. I'd have no issues with "putting him in a home" if that's what it needs, if only we can find him a space.

OP posts:
Original poster
FifeQuine · 16/08/2022 04:06

Just writing that down makes me realise how bad things are. Thanks for reading.

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AluckyEllie · 16/08/2022 06:24

It sounds like he definitely needs a placement. Is it a gas stove? We had to get my parents one changed to electric because he kept leaving the gas on, my dad manages with my mum there but like your dad would have to go into a home/sheltered accommodation without her. It just wouldn’t be safe and social care can’t provide 24/7 care. Like a pp suggested could you arrange ‘respite care’ in a home and sell it as somewhere to look after you whilst we get everything sorted. Then see how it goes. Unfortunately if he does stay in the nursing home the house would likely have to be sold once money runs out so be prepared for the faff of that.
Sorry it is rubbish but best to be prepared. Waiting until he falls, or wanders into the road is always the worst option and will leave you super stressed trying to find somewhere in a rush and doing a million motorway journeys.

Mindymomo · 16/08/2022 06:46

A neighbour of ours has dementia, she stayed in her home as long as she could with carers coming in 4 times a day, but they weren’t there 24/7, probably each visit was an hour and when left alone she would go out for a walk, get halfway down the road and not know what was going on. She is now in a dementia care home, which she pays for and the family have sold her house to pay for it. They told her they were visiting someone in the care home at first and then asked her if she would like to stay for a couple of days for a holiday. She’s been there now over a year and is well looked after and is safe.

Original poster
FifeQuine · 16/08/2022 10:26

Well he did phone other people, including the elderly lady upstairs, and he turned up at her door. I phoned his doctor and got fobbed off with how busy they are and couldn't I go and stay with him? Its a disgrace, really it is.

So I'm progressing with private carers and I'm going to see a residential facility near him on Thursday.

Good news - I was right - he's found his wallet :-)

OP posts:
BlueBlueCowWondering · 16/08/2022 11:59

@FifeQuine I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't help at all (apart from 'listening' ) but in all this you're grieving the loss of your mum.

Best wishes for getting your dad to a suitable facility, and for getting some time for yourself 💐

gogohmm · 16/08/2022 12:18

As upsetting as it is you need to make the decision as to what is best for him and you. If he has means you can act immediately but do apply for continuing care, there's funding even though you have to push for it. You may need a doctors confirmation he doesn't have capacity if he resists moving unless he's signed a power of attorney

urgen · 16/08/2022 12:22

Does he own his house? My Df did and it made things easier. It’s a shocking monthly cost but he is safe.

Original poster
FifeQuine · 16/08/2022 19:56

I'm going to see a care home on Thursday, and he can self-fund for a couple of years at least. But the manager has told me there is a waiting list and you need a recommendation from a Care Manager.

The NHS are as much use as a chocolate teapot I'm afraid. One tried to find out if he was taking his medication properly by asking, "Are you taking your medication properly?" Guess what Dad said.

Two HCPs have told me today that there is no Care to help him and can he move in with me? For many reasons, that's not going to happen.

Thanks again everyone who is commenting - its good to read all the opinions and support.

OP posts:
Original poster
FifeQuine · 21/08/2022 14:40

Just a bit of an update...

No private carers have any slots, but the visit to the care home was good. He liked it and wants to move in today. So that's another expectation that has to be managed!
I went to see him this week, because of the "phone calls at night" thing. Stayed overnight. The day after I came home, he ended up at the police station, taken there by a taxi driver he refused to pay. They sent him to the bank, who phoned me and they (the bank!) took him home. A friend called to see him today and he answered the door with no trousers on.
I called the local health centre where a Nurse Practitioner told me there is nothing that needs doing because there isn't a "medical problem". Much shouting ensued. She eventually went to see him and ended up making his dinner for him. They have managed to organise one care visit a day over the weekend as an emergency. I'll be calling them again on Monday morning...

Its not meant to be this hard, is it?

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 21/08/2022 16:41

Its not meant to be this hard, is it?

Sending you every sympathy. That all sounds incredibly difficult Flowers

TheGander · 21/08/2022 17:00

It shouldn’t be this hard, no one prepares you for becoming your parent’s carer. I used to envy , yes envy, people whose parents had cancer, thinking at least they can manage themselves day to day and are able to appreciate their kids’ help. Not very edifying but there it is. Unfortunately with the middle stages of dementia ( my dad had this on steroids, with wandering, boarding trains, entering people’ s houses, walking around naked) it’s like trying to catch a runaway train. There’s only so much you can do. It’s good that he liked the care home.Maybe speak to them and ask if he can “ pop in” to familiarise himself on a few occasions?

thefizz · 21/08/2022 17:15

It's good to let it out. I know what you are going through. The best thing ever was to get Mum into residential care. Told her she was going for a holiday/rest and she never came out. Lived very comfortably and contentedly (mostly!!) for another 18 years. Cost a bomb but worth every single solitary penny to know she was safe. I cared for her initially by going down every morning and evening before and after work (only one with no kids and female, you see....) but it got to the stage where I was getting sick and depressed and got a back injury from lifting them. You get the picture.

Good to hear Dad is willing to go to residential. One box ticked. I hope the placement comes very soon for you. And yes, all things social care have gone to pot completely. It's very hard. But eyes on the prize so to speak, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck.

Original poster
FifeQuine · 21/08/2022 19:59

You are all so nice. Thank you xx

OP posts:
nicknamehelp · 21/08/2022 20:16

Unfortunately the more you do the less help you get offered I had to tell Social services in the end I couldn't guarantee my parents safety (felt like the worst dd ever) to get any help. You have to keep pushing