Dad is on his own - 87 years old

[FifeQuine]

I’ve been reading some of the posts on this thread and found it all to be so supportive, so I thought I’d like to tell you my situation.

DM died very suddenly about 6 weeks ago. She was at the shops, then an hour later she was gone. No illnesses, even the doctors commented on it. She was 84, it was probably a cardiac arrest.

My DF is 87, they were married for over 60 years and he is completely lost.
She did everything for him – even laying out the clothes for him to wear and taking the plastic top off his Asda trifle. Last week we were told that he has Parkinson’s – which I had guessed – and the start of dementia.
Which wasn’t a surprise as you can’t have a proper conversation with him now.
He’s very confused; puts food in the oven then tries to turn on the microwave, seems to have forgotten how to use the mobile phone, goes out for a walk and leaves the door unlocked or even wide open.

I spoke to him on the phone today and he was fine, remembering people from a few years ago and telling me he’d been out to the local shops. Then an hour later he was calling me on his house phone crying, telling me he was afraid he’d be left alone, he’d lost my mum was he going to lose me. I live 3 hours drive away so I can’t just pop round, but I've stayed with him on and off for about a month since we lost mum. My cousin’s going in every day but she can’t do that forever. We’re waiting for a care assessment and more assessments of his Parkinson’s/dementia.

I think I’m going to get his care sorted out eventually even although he won’t be happy with people in his house, and I'm not sure he'll get it paid for or how long it will take to get sorted..

He’s told me a couple of times he’s not going in a home. But he’s so unhappy and I can’t help.

nicknamehelp At least 3 HCPs have asked me if I can live with him. He has a one bedroom flat and needs 24 hour care, and I'm 60 years old with a husband and commitments where I live, 120 miles from where my dad lives. I know things are difficult for the care services right now but they ask too much of people. I have told them that we're not talking about someone who lives with his family and is just a bit forgetful. This needs prioritising.

I know what you mean TheGander. I imagine if he could just manage to make his own meals and be happy with a book in front of the TV or radio, but those things won't happen.

I think care of the elderly is at the bottom of the priorities.

When my dad was ill towards the end I moved back in with them (OH understood) it was tough going, my mum was still alive trying to cope but wasn't really managing. After dad died I went back home once mum was settled but ended up back caring for her. Fortunately I was able to retire early but for us it was the only practical way, getting help was a nightmare. Don't want my children to go through it but really by that stage you may not even know your own children.

I can only hope you can sort something, it takes a real toll on you worrying.

I'm really sorry you're in this position, I'm in a similar one at the moment. I think what I would do is make sure that any care home is convenient to you. It's of no benefit to him that it's in his old hometown. If it's down the road from you then you can go in every day whereas if he goes to the one near his own home then it's a massive trek for you at the weekends. Make life easier for yourself in that way. What he will benefit from seeing you and vice versa. The location has to be your choice.

If he hasn't any friends and family where he us I'd go with find somewhere convenient for you.

Oh OP I can totally sympathize with you on this. My nan would call us at all hours very confused. I don't have any solutions but I'm going to keep you in my prayers, it will all be ok x

Such a hard time for you. My dad is 90 and my mum died 5 hours ago. Dad is in ok health but I really feel for you xx

So sorry you're going through this Op, it's so hard. Unfortunately it sounds like he doesn't have a primary health need, so the NHS won't fund it (you can push for an assessment but given the information you've posted, it sounds like he'd be rejected).

That leaves social services and if he has his own financial means, then he'll have to pay for his own care (selling his flat etc) - that will mean you get a wider choice of home that can meet his needs, so I'd concentrate on finding the best home for his needs that's close to you. No point him being far away from you, even if it means him moving out of area, unless there's a strong reason for him to stay in the vicinity of where he lives.

Good luck Op, it's so tough.

I would second finding him a home that’s very near you, if you can, it will make life substantially easier in the long run. Its very common to find that one parents has been compensating for the other parent’s decline.

Don’t expect or ask of anything from the NHS, this is a social care problem and not their area of expertise. Can you find a home anywhere who can take him for respite while you find a permanent solution?

At least 3 HCPs have asked me if I can live with him I think you’re allowed to say “no”! They’ll pick up what family can’t do, but it would be remiss not to ask. Obviously it makes it easier for them if family can do it, so they do keep trying. When my dad had a crisis, they decided he wasn’t safe overnight and asked me to stay with him. I think they’d have called an ambulance if I’d refused. It wasn’t till after I realised how appalling it was that care for the elderly required a near 70 year old to sleep on the floor.

I think care of the elderly is at the bottom of the priorities. Care for the elderly reflects the esteem in which the elderly are held in our society

So sorry to hear about your mum @Musicaltheatremum .

@TheGander thank you. The OPs thread touched a hole in my heart. I live 100 miles (2 hours) from my dad. It's hard.

It’s very hard @Musicaltheatremum . No one prepares you for this. I remember witnessing my grandfathers bereavement up close. It was awful not really being able to do anything to make him feel better. But I hope your dad can go on to enjoy life again even if it will be a very different life without your mum

So the latest...

None of the care services or care homes will have anything to do with us until we have a Care Assessment. Social Services have no idea when they will be able to do a Care Assessment, because they are so busy. Even then it will take months to organise any care at all. So I'm moving into rented accommodation close to DF because they can't help at all and all other routes are blocked. There was a significant attempt to "guilt" me into things, along the lines of "if it was my father I'd have him to live with me"

What a country.

So sorry they’ve deployed the guilt on you, it’s awful as one feels guilty regardless. In fact when I was going through it with my dad, someone one these boards wrote something to the effect that “ it’s the people with the least to feel guilty about who often feel guiltiest”. You can guarantee that those who say “ I’d have him to live with me” have never been in this situation. I hope you get the care assessment soon.

If you are to be self funding I would disregard social services and NHS etc. The care homes and services we contacted for my mother did their own care assessments, put a care plan into place and off we went. Can’t say it was really that easy and had to throw quite a bit of money at it but had no dealings with social services at all - so no waiting.

Second all the people saying choose a home near your house. Not 120 miles away.

@FifeQuine oh gosh this is just so heartbreaking. Had similar with a grandparent. They wouldn't help as they had the finances to fund themselves. Sorry state of affairs

Your poor dad. I felt really sad for him reading that. In my experience it is pretty normal to have to help aged parents when they become frail - social services provide the bare minimum and dementia is best controlled with loved ones around.

Can you pay for a live in carer for him? That is often the best option for keeping them at home if thats what they want - even if it is short term.

Well dad went off wandering 3 times in one night and had to be brought home by the police. I got a midnight phone call from the police wanting me to drive 3 hours through the night to come and sit with him. Whether it was the input from the police or not, miraculously a place was found for him in a care home, because they agreed that he could not be left alone.

So now I know he is safe, and looked after, but I feel guilty that he is in a care home on his own, and probably will be forever. The staff are lovely and people are queuing up to visit him, but it's not his home. 😥

But, I suppose, a happy ending. Thanks for all your comments Mumsnetters. 💕

Sorry this is so long:
Oh, bless you, @FifeQuine, if you don't mind me saying that.
I'm going through a journey with my DM which is not the same as yours, but my experience might help.
DM is on her own. Her advancing age and deteriorating health means that a care home is the best setting for her now. We've been looking for some months - DM wasn't sure what kind of care she needed, and also didn't feel she wanted to lose her independence initially. Ultimately she has felt she has no choice but to move to a care home as she no longer feels able to cope on her own. Her biggest worry was that she would feel alone if she went to a care home (so I totally understand how you feel about your DDad).
As I pointed out to my DM, anyone moving into a care home is going to make a whole raft of new acquaintances, (and hopefully friends), and will still have their family.
Your DDad will be in a similar situation to my DMum - her memory is appalling now, and I'm not sure if she might be in the first stages of dementia or not. But, as you've said, your DDad is in a place that will keep him safe and look after him. I feel the same way about when my DMum moves to the care home she has chosen.
Don't feel bad about it. You can't be there and help him 24/7, so he needs to be in a setting where someone is. That's what it comes down to - and thank goodness there are options available for older people.
Look after yourself. I'm not sure what your DDad's care home will advise, but know it takes some time for people to settle, so be guided by what they say about contacting him. That's not being unkind, just giving him time to settle in.
I really hope all goes well, and that it is somewhere he feels safer, and that you know he's being looked after.

Please don't feel guilty OP. He clearly was not safe at home and he's somewhere safe now.

Pleased to hear its sorted Op, sad that it takes a crisis and the police to focus the minds of social services.

Thanks for the update. My DM was in a care home last 6 years of her life. She had Parkinsons and was in a wheelchair. It was a 2 minute drive for my Dad to visit, as he couldn’t look after her at home. I think the Police, in your Dads case got involved, thankfully something was sorted. It is a relief to know he’s safe, but I know what you mean by feeling guilty.

Going by your name OP are you in Fife? My 87 year old mother lives there and has had lots of help from NHS and support services. She still lives at home,alone,but she is increasingly frail. Refusing to go into a home. I empathise