Struggling to realise,that I can't have a normal chat with my mum

[bizzey]

It is such hard work .
She overtalks me.
Miss hears me ...so makes things up.
I then repeat the correct version...and she say I am having a go at her

Ohhh there is loads more to say

But I just feel I have lost my mum.

I went to her house tonight and it was such hard work.

I couldn't just have a normal chat with her .
She is 83.

This sounds very tough! Feel for you. Has it been like this for a while now?

Getting worse over the years,so I know it is not a UTI or other things .

Just felt it so much more tonight.

Yep. Thats why i started the elderly parents section about 11 years ago. Its heartbreaking and i had no one going through similar to share it with. Im sorry @bizzey

I should say...
It is my issue that I am trying to deal with ,not my my mum's issues .

She wanted me to water her garden.
We agreed at 7pm.
At 6.30pm I went up to her house.
She had already done it and a next door visitor was helping put the hose away.
She made out she had no help at all to do her garden .
( Don't even go there on the hose pipe ban !! We have not got one YET!)

You haven’t lost her though.
There are no words to describe what I’d do to have one more conversation with my mum. She had dementia and I identify with what you say but please lay aside your frustration. You only have one mum and despite my mum’s advanced dementia I always felt we had a connection.
Treasure these moments.

@Lentil63 that's supremely unfair of you with that guilt trip.

No I agree with @Lentil63

I need a wake up call !
We lost my dad 5 years ago ...and I would have loved to have sat in the garden with him tonight beging ...well him !

I need to know how to deal with this .

I am a very practical,get on with it person .
A fixer.

How do you deal with someone who needs emotional support...when you just can't give it ?

OP, that's really hard. My mum has primary progressive aphasia as well as Alzheimer's so doesn't make any sense at all when she talks - it's random words or repeated syllables. I really sympathize with the sadness about not being able to have a proper conversation with your mum. I've given up trying to have chats so mostly now we have a cuddle or a dance to some music, which is precious in itself, but I would so love to be able to have a meaningful conversation with her. Sorry you are going through this.

@ElizabethinherGermanGarden wow your post really resonated with me .
Thank you .

OP, I am having the exact same experience but with my gran. We were so close and I loved spending time with her. She is 87 but this year is the first year I have noticed her age. I think it's partly that she is self conscious of forgetting/not understanding things the way she used to and this self conciousness seems to make it worse. I also wondered whether the reduced social contact due to covid could be partly to blame, and loosing your dad not too long before wouldn't have helped - sorry for your loss.

My words are for you.
How to deal with it comes in lots of different forms.
My DSis and I invented ‘golden time’ for when she was in the moment and aware.
Through her 80s she would flicker in and out of golden time every five minutes. You do find you get used to it and buckle up for the ride. You accept that her brain is dealing with a predator, stealing all the good bits. A flash of golden time becomes a joy. It’s a grieving process. It will help if your DM has future proofed and given you POA already. If she has refused and continues to refuse, that brings a whole lot other issues into how you process your feelings and responses.
Stoic, annoyed, resentful, sad, regretful - all these are valid responses OP.

I think sometimes it is a mix of things. Hearing deteriorating, memory lapses, lack of social interaction making them want to talk and talk at you when they have an opportunity. Feeling that the world has become a place they don't understand anymore and can't relate to. Feeling helpless and out of their depth, powerless and angry. Dementia creeping in.. Frustration with waning physical energy and ability to do things.

You are fortunate you did have a good relationship with your mum before this. I have never had a good relationship with mine. I find her totally draining and unsupportive. I dread seeing her. I envy those who have good memories of their mothers because I don't.

Don't forget 'confabulation'.
They're not telling lies, they honestly believe what they're saying, they're just basically trying to communicate or have a conversation.
I used to follow what my Mum said, didn't correct her, just went down the rabbit hole with her!
My Mum 'died' in 2013/2014.
She's still alive but I do miss her a lot.

It’s so hard losing them in these small incremental steps. My dad dominates the conversation now because he can’t hear/follow what’s happening.

I don’t know if this would feel appropriate but would you be able to leave your mum a (large) note somewhere obvious (on the fridge maybe) saying “See you at 6.30”. Just be religious about removing it afterwards!

Has she had any memory testing? Has she had a hearing test?

Try and get those ruled out first.

Making things up could be confabulation - she doesn't know what happens and her brain fills in the gaps, she may just not have heard and so is guessing, or just be an elderly lady who isn't very stimulated and has got fixed in her ways.

Would her finances allow for a carer/companion to go in even just 2 or 3 times week for an hour? I'm a self employed carer and most of my work consists of this exact thing - giving clients some one on one attention.

Forgot to add, Age UK sometimes provide a befriending service, depending on your area, or you could ring her local social services department and ask them if they could recommend any volunteer organisations that do that type of thing. Hows her mobility? Could she get out to a day centre or dementia cafe occasionally?

ARG feel your pain. I struggle to have normal convos with my 81 year old mum. Often end up quite heated as she always ends up on her favourite topics of immigration, benefit scumbags, and how hard it was in her day too. Literally just finished one of these on the phone and feel really stressed now.

Benefit scumbags is her term btw not mine.

I just switch off and check out when my mother is talking as I disagree with nearly everything she says. I just sit and nod and make non committal remarks. Unfortunately it has become pretty obvious even to her that I am not listening, to the point she was asking OH what is wrong with me!

Thank you everyone who has replied.
It means a lot x
She is very sociable,goes out alot.
Has hearing aids ( when she remembers to put them in !)

As a pp said ...I try not to rise to things she says ...but then get told I am grumpy cos I am not discussing the stupid (bigoted ) stuff she wants to talk about !

I know it is me who is struggling with all of this and she cannot change .

I just need to get stronger !
Thank you for all your comments.
They have really helped me .

Might help I don't know ...
But an example...

I mentioned to her that a D's of mine was thinking of going to Australia for a bit/work that sort of thing .
( I am all for it !)

She then started going on about me going abroad to work 35 years ago and how it broke her heart and she cried every night.

Instead of say .wow what a wonderful opportunity...and the rest !

Absolutely the same scenario OP - she tends to pull out random phrases that have served her well over the years, but it's clear that she doesn't follow me a lot of the time. Nor is she always 100% sure who I am. It's heartbreaking really - I'm an only child so my whole past is tied up in my relationship with my mum - her stories of her parents etc. I left the UK when I was 28, my father died when I was a child, so there's no-one who knows anything about my life before my 30s, even my partner.

That’s is very sad and it understandable that you feel upset about it.