In sickness and in health

[MahMahMahMahCorona]

There’s a ridiculously long backstory but in summary:

Over the past few years I have gone very low contact with my parents. On occasion, DMs behaviour reminds me just why those boundaries are platinum and very high.

DF had a stroke / bleed on the brain last year. Hasn’t been quite the same since. Never been ill before. Looks like onset of dementia now, along with other various age (80) and lifestyle related ailments.

DM is an absolutely awful carer — because it isn’t about her —. Awful. No patience. Complains all the time. She nags, he ignores. She can’t cope with how different life is (he seems fine when I've seen him, just a little slower, more hard of hearing, doesn't do well in big groups, and he is a little more forgetful than usual). He’s always done and managed everything, and now she’s having to do life admin. Thing is - she won’t leave him. None of us are allowed to spend time with him alone. She has to be involved. Has to take him everywhere which he finds exhausting and she finds draining. So she complains even more.

As children, how do we cope with this? She’s like a petulant child herself (I’ve known this for a long time so really, I’m looking for ways my siblings can help support her because I’ve taken a back seat behind my boundaries). I imagine at some point I’ll have to speak up because the way she speaks to / about DF is atrocious. You wouldn’t think it had only just been a year - you’d think she’s been looking after him for 20…

Seems like she forgot the "in sickness" part of the marriage vows.

AIBU to ask for coping mechanisms? What can we do? She probably needs counselling on a major scale to work through her own issues and actually learn how to be kind and compassionate….

No advice, but a sympathetic handhold. We have a similar situation - DMiL being pretty vile to DFiL who has mild/moderate dementia - impatient, shouty, nagging, hassling and sometimes downright cruel. We don't do what to do. He's not 'bad' enough for a care home, but she's utterly unsuited to caring for him. SS were briefly involved, but DMiL and to some extent DFiL both have sufficient capacity to say 'no thanks' - and they did. We've tried to encourage private carers to take the pressure off (money not a problem, and we've offered to arrange), but DMiL sees it as an expensive and unnecessary intrusion, and DFiL is too meek/confused to have a view. We try to go over as much as we can, but it's not easy with work, children and not living that nearby. We honestly are sympathetic to DMiL's position - but sympathy isn't solving the problem. The really sad thing is that DFiL is still well enough to enjoy lots of aspects of his life at the moment, if he was just left in relative peace to do so - but he isn't. And within a year or two, he's likely to be beyond enjoying anything very much. It's heartbreaking, and we don't know what to do.

It just seems very premature for her to already be sick of the situation. Doesn't bode well if it goes on for several years... Probably being aware that it will go on for several years is one reason why she is sick of it.

It’s unreasonable to expect her to be anything but unhappy at her lifestyle being destroyed.

This is exactly the situation we find ourselves in. Exactly. Thank you for responding.

Whilst I understand the lifestyle has altered significantly and won't ever revert to what it was, I cannot help but feel shocked at the imbalance / shift in the new dynamic.

It's very very hard emotionally (and physically draining if you're also older) to care for your other half (washing, feeding and medication, taking them to the loo and wiping their bum etc). It's like having a newborn, especially if they need turning at night and you need to do that for them, or they have disrupted sleep patterns. Its not so much about "in sickness and in health" but about adapting to the change of their relationship from equal partners together for many years and overnight turning into something more along the lines of parent/child. It can also be relentless and usually ends in 1 of the partners dying. They will have seen it happen to their friends. I can understand why she feels frustrated by it but having paid care support in place would enable her to have a window of time each day where she has time for herself to reboot. Between you and siblings can you organise a cleaner/shopping delivery to take some of the weekly life admin from her shoulders? We had this situation with my DPs and basically my mum was on her knees, resistant to help - as she didnt want to be seen to be not coping - and we staged an intervention /put things i place to enable dm to get a break each day. The Admiral nurse was great with df.
If you're worried about physical abuse then speak to Age Concern

My DF has just been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia, I had been saying for a very long time something wasn't right but DM likes to Bury her head in the sand. She is now caring for him and although doing a great job she atvtimes loses patience and it's not surprising as his behaviour can be quite challenging. DF has been pretty nasty all my life to DM, DB and myself. He seems to have forgotten quite how vile he's been and can't understand now why myself and DB have very little interest in interaction with him. DM tries to force interaction eg please sit and talk to him, please say hello and goodbye etc and I just don't want too. Its a horrible situation but I know if he didn't have the Dementia he'd barely speak to me anyway, in fact he spent years refusing to speak to me! Why now because he is ill should I do anything to make him feel better? Sorry for hijacking your thread I just needed ti get that off my chest.