Mum "won't be told what to do"

[Communionmom]

I apologise in advance - I lack the ability to do short concise threads!

I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother but that's not the point of the thread. She lives alone. I visit daily mostly but due to said difficult relationship I keep visits short. The condition the tablets are for is Restless Leg Syndrome.

Mum has always refused to listen to anyone - physios, nutritionists, any advice re hearing aids, or following surgery (even simple things like don't bend over following cataract surgery) but I can't do anything about any of that so I don't even try.

She's worse with me - If I tell her maybe you shouldn't go for a walk as it's such a hot day, she'll go twice as far and put on a coat to do it. ( and have to be brought home by a neighbour as she was close to passing out).

Now however - she's started thinking she can take extra tablets when she wants.

She's on a certain tablet where the side effects are fainting and dizziness. She's not affected at the lower dose (but her symptoms aren't fully alleviated) but she was badly affected (fainting and very dizzy) when she was on the higher dose everyday (but her symptoms where better). So we talked to the doctor and now she's on the stronger tablet 2-3 days a week and the lower dose the rest of the week.

I do her pill box every week (because otherwise she has no clue of what tablets to take - she's on 7 a day). This week she was saying was a bad week so I'd done every second day with a higher dose tablet. I've been ill and haven't been able to visit yesterday. She called me today and said that last night she took the higher dose but it didn't help so she took one of the lower dose tablets as well. So 2 in one night. DH is convinced this was supposed to get me to hurry up to her (as I'd told her I wasn't able to visit today as I'm still unwell). And that there was no point to her telling me about the extra tablet except to get me to worry as I wouldn't have known about it till I went up next time anyway.

I don't even know what to say or do at this point. I fully expect to get a phone call in the next day or two that she's fainted or gotten dizzy and had to lie on the floor (that's her thing, she never lies on the couch or bed, it's always the floor).

Anyone have a relative like this? Or any advice on how to handle someone like this?

sorry and I know this is hard but the responsibility is only on you if you want it to be....as i said, suck it up or stop parenting your parent.

Dread is exactly the right word. And She has a fall alarm that, of course, she won’t wear so she could be on the floor overnight.

I’m an only child and a serious disappointment in I moved 5 minutes away and didn’t just live with her forever or at the very least move in next door when that opportunity presented itself (DH said he’d divorce me before living next to her - wasn’t an issue because I felt exactly the same!)

she had flu a few years ago and basically took to her bed saying she wanted to die. Like you said - absolutely doing nothing to help herself, actually spitting out her tablets.

She has improved since that.

See I don’t completely agree with that. No situation with a parent (or at least with mine) is black or white. There are shades of grey.

Agree, talk to pharmacist about getting her medication supplied in dosset boxes. Then you are not involved, but structure is provided for her.

More generally, in order to survive this you need some help to cope yourself. Have a look at this:

Book

If - like many people - she didn't have an adult child, how would she manage? That is your answer. It is not your responsibility to do any of this stuff, so you need to investigate the professional provision that is available.

This article is also helpful.

Another possible book.

Just ordered that book from the library. Thanks.

My DMum was exactly the same with me. Apparently couldn't manage her meds but constantly argued I had given her the wrong stuff. Like yours if I kindly suggested she not do something she'd do it more. She was then ten times worse when my DDad died and she came to live with us for a bit. It was for these and other reasons she is now in a home where they are v kind but she has to do as she is told. Don't be like me and run yourself utterly ragged in the process!!

I hear you and you have my utmost sympathy. You sound lovely.
Sorry I can not do links but have you looked at a tabtime automatic pill dispenser - like a dosset box but you fill it. Can do different meds for different days in advance and then lock it. You can set alarms too. Expensive I'm afraid but been super helpful for us.
I know of course she may still occasionally drop a pill or not agree to you trying it but have a look.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry to hear what you are experiencing. My Mum was 'happily miserable' and used a different tone with me.
Later I had to care for another relative who was complex and could be very controlling. I couldn't have coped without telephone support from the Counsellor at the local Hospice. She recommended a book that was my lifeline.
The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring, How to Cope with the emotional and practical Aspects of Caring for Someone by Hugh Marriott. The are funny bits in it too which I could relate to. Another book she recommended was How To Escape the Drama Triangle by Stephen Karpman. It was illuminating and very helpful. I have both on my Kindle. I hope you can get help from these books.

If it is any consolation, I have a mum like this too. I’m not sure taking more than one is attention seeking though. My mum suddenly remembers the time to take a tablet and then forgets that she has taken one. I tell myself it’s not the end of the world if she takes one more or misses one, as long as she is getting the others at the right time. All those people saying to disengage will be old one day too.

Situationally there are always various factors of course. So far as solutions go I am afraid that in my experience those are the options. She has no reason to change while her actions get her what she wants....she has even been open about this in that she WANTS to annoy you...so that's option one, you suck it up and give her what she wants.
Option two is that you stop rewarding her behaviour which may or may not "encourage" her to choose to change. I am not saying that one solution is better or less stressful than the other but those are the choices.
You say that she can't manage her medication but from what you have said, I wonder if that is true or is it a "won't" rather than "can't"

OP - My Mother is like this. It's all about control and being scared she is losing it. You have to take it one day at a time and tell yourself you have done your best and it certainly sounds like you have.

I think you should speak to your Mum's GP first as you said you would do. The pill dispensers may not work if it is essential that your Mother doesn't skip tablets.

Oh god OP, this is so familiar, you really have my sympathies.

There is no answer to this type of manipulative behaviour I think - you either step back completely or just learn to live with it.

You could mention the problem of dosing errors to the GP, and say you are worried about it but have no control over the situation and see what they can suggest.

What you're doing is fab and of course keep doing it if it's the only way, but you mustn't take on the consequences as well. She sounds as if she is capable of following the plan you have set up and she's trying to take control by mucking up what she takes and telling you about it. Somehow when she does this you're going to have to detach - 'oh well, see you in hospital then' and leave her to it. It does sound as if things are on a knife edge - it's hardly your fault if the hospital has to come into play, that's normal for people this frail tbh. By all means tell her GP and see if there are any alternatives, maybe something more slow release (i have no idea).

Just to say. Often people on here say that one of the amazing things about a parent having full time care was that they suddenly started having all their medication, and surprise! Their health was better. I'm not saying you should try for a nursing home, but it is very normal for older people to have drawers full of unused medication with consequent frequent crises. You are doing extremely well that she is taking so much of what is prescribed. And if the only thing keeping her out if hospital is those pills- she's pretty frail I'm afraid.

I agree with PPs, you need to step back. Don't visit every day. She is playing you like toddlers play their parents, to test the power boundaries. I sort of get it - it must be horrible, having been an adult for decades to suddenly find people younger than you treat you more and more like a child. She isn't a child and she is responsible for her actions still, unless she has dementia and is incapable of understanding the consequences. Tell her you realise she thinks you've been intervening too much so you are taking a step back and will look in once or twice a week, and otherwise phone once a day to check she's OK.

Well she can’t have it every which way.

If she insists she knows best, then she can live or die with the consequences.
Just say “well I’m sure you know what your doing.” and then leave it.

She gives not a shiny shit about you or your feelings, so I have no idea why you are pouring yourself emotionally for a person for whom it’s just a game.

My mum is like that. She’s going on holiday tomorrow for a few days, she’s 72 and has declared it her “final holiday”. It’s bizarre - she’s fit enough to work on the garden and do ridiculous heavy lifting (even when she’s employed someone to do it for her!) but now she’s too “old and frail” to go on holiday ever again.

It’s the drama, aimed at only me. With only toxic and negative tones in her text messages.

I can always tell if I’ve given her enough attention by how many kisses she ends a text with.
none = she’s furious & threatening NC
x = she’s annoyed & I have to call immediately
xx = she’s mildly pissed off
xxx = normal
xxxx = she is grateful for all the attention

It’s a very strained relationship and I’m full time pussy footing. If I tell her not to do something, she’ll get “funny” and do it to spite me.

but my brother has told me to leave her to it and focus on my own family. I appreciate his advice because he’s the favourite & she’s very different with him. She’s happy, calm, they laugh & she never whines. He can clearly see how she treats me.

I love her, she’s my mum, I don’t get too involved but I’m involved enough to keep everyone happy (I think, I’m on 3 kisses at the mo!)

Sorry OP I came here to vent but I don’t actually have any advice x

My mum is exactly the same, always knows best and can't be told otherwise, I leave her to it now. She self neglects but that's her choice as she has capacity, the only thing I wish I could do is put her in a nursing home and let someone else have the joy of looking after her.

As Sitoff suggested, a timed pill dispenser can give a lot of peace of mind. We got this one for my mum - not cheap, unfortunately, but it's made a big difference.

You fill the sections with the medication and set when you want the alarm to go off - up to four times a day. At the allotted time, the alarm beeps every five minutes until you turn the box over and the pills are dispensed. It's pretty fool proof.

Good luck. It's so hard feeling responsible while at the same time being told they don't need any help!

She asks but never really listens to the answer!

OP, could this be you too? You sound so emotionally enmeshed that you can’t even see your DH is right. Step back and be a lot firmer on your boundaries.

Sounds like ODD behaviour. As some people get older they feel any control they had over their lives slipping away and so the oppositional defiance kicks in. Difficult for them, difficult for their loved ones.

Oh I know DH is completely right!

forgot about this thread for a few days. Visited for a few mins Friday and having her to my house today (it’s my DD birthday and we always have a little family party). We’ll see about tablets when I drop her home.