Mum "won't be told what to do"

[Communionmom]

I apologise in advance - I lack the ability to do short concise threads!

I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother but that's not the point of the thread. She lives alone. I visit daily mostly but due to said difficult relationship I keep visits short. The condition the tablets are for is Restless Leg Syndrome.

Mum has always refused to listen to anyone - physios, nutritionists, any advice re hearing aids, or following surgery (even simple things like don't bend over following cataract surgery) but I can't do anything about any of that so I don't even try.

She's worse with me - If I tell her maybe you shouldn't go for a walk as it's such a hot day, she'll go twice as far and put on a coat to do it. ( and have to be brought home by a neighbour as she was close to passing out).

Now however - she's started thinking she can take extra tablets when she wants.

She's on a certain tablet where the side effects are fainting and dizziness. She's not affected at the lower dose (but her symptoms aren't fully alleviated) but she was badly affected (fainting and very dizzy) when she was on the higher dose everyday (but her symptoms where better). So we talked to the doctor and now she's on the stronger tablet 2-3 days a week and the lower dose the rest of the week.

I do her pill box every week (because otherwise she has no clue of what tablets to take - she's on 7 a day). This week she was saying was a bad week so I'd done every second day with a higher dose tablet. I've been ill and haven't been able to visit yesterday. She called me today and said that last night she took the higher dose but it didn't help so she took one of the lower dose tablets as well. So 2 in one night. DH is convinced this was supposed to get me to hurry up to her (as I'd told her I wasn't able to visit today as I'm still unwell). And that there was no point to her telling me about the extra tablet except to get me to worry as I wouldn't have known about it till I went up next time anyway.

I don't even know what to say or do at this point. I fully expect to get a phone call in the next day or two that she's fainted or gotten dizzy and had to lie on the floor (that's her thing, she never lies on the couch or bed, it's always the floor).

Anyone have a relative like this? Or any advice on how to handle someone like this?

I think you need to take a step back . She is an adult and unless she is totally incapable I'd let her manage her own medicines . It sounds like she could be playing you and it may well get worse as time goes on . You are not at her beck n call and need to look after yourself aswell .

Drop the rope

she tells you she has taken too many tablets, tell her you’ll let her doctor know, and leave it at that

She wants to go for a walk, let her

she isn’t going to change but she is going to drive you mad if you engage with it

OP, I'd stop trying to parent your parent.

Unless she is detained under the Mental Health Act (or whatever the update of that is) she is deemed to be Compus Mentus and have The Right of self Determination.
So let her get on with it.

And yes, I've been there.....

oh I have learned not to advise her about ANYTHING.

She simply does not have the ability to handle her own medications though. Prior to Covid a friend did it for her but because he couldn’t visit during lockdown I had to start. She spent a week not taking anything and ended up in hospital before I took that over.

I mostly do just ‘let it go’ but I think because I’m feeling unwell im more sensitive than normal.

Hi. Perhaps if she is not able to handle her own medication you could get a Carer to administer and deal with it?
You could sort out a locked medicine cabinet and a key safe for the carers.

It would be expensive if she would have to pay for the care but it would give you peace of mind. She would probably be more inclined to listen to a carer and they can provide social support as well if she needs any. You can say they are ladies that can help and they would probably do housework as well which might appeal to her.

I can't get my Mother to do much but it is that fighting spirit that keeps her going. It's a mother/daughter thing - you can only do your best.

My Mother was being very rude and awkward at the weekend. I've learnt to ignore it.

@hellodollyagain My mum used to live with my aunt - she didn't even want to allow home help (what they're called here in Ireland) into the house to help my Aunt with washing etc so there's no chance she'd allow one in to help her. Because in her head she doesn't need help with anything.

You're right about the fighting spirit - she admitted in front of my husband that she deliberately tries to wind me up and get me angry. I tend to 'grey rock' her a lot more now which helps me.

why did you HAVE to start? Why do you HAVE to do it now. I agree absolutely with the stop parenting your parent. i think your DH has hit the nail on the head. and I too have been there done that.

Some tablets can be be put into docket boxes by pharmacist maybe worth investigating if your mum's tablets are suitable for this. Some pharmacies deliver as well.it could save you a job

Well, since she cannot monitor and handle her own medication, you keep it at home and take that days dose with you when you visit as you are visiting daily.

Id kindly advise her to knock it off or you’ll have to call in social services to do an assessment of care needs.

@Communionmom - I understand!

For my parent, I got a care agency manager to come to do a home visit (without her permission) and managed to get the care set up that way. If I'd asked her about carers she would have said no but she listens to other people and we all had a civilised chat and got it set up.

If that wouldn't work I'd suggest that you speak to your Mother's GP about your concerns. Maybe district nurses could help administer the medication (not sure if they work at the weekend). Or perhaps the GP could come and talk some sense into her.

I wouldn't recommend that the medication is delivered to your Mother's house if she can't handle it herself.

Have you been able to get power of attorney? If not perhaps the GP could mention it to your Mother if she visits?

My parent wouldn't give me power of attorney and it's been a hassle trying to get deputyship.

Good luck Op

'she isn’t going to change but she is going to drive you mad if you engage with it'

This is so true. OP, I really feel for you. You are trying to do the responsible and caring thing and it's being thrown back in your face. My MIL was similar and it was absolutely bloody maddening. I agree with others that you need to step right back for the sake of your own health and sanity. Believe me, I know that is not easy, but it sounds like there is a very unhealthy (for you) dynamic here, and your DH seems to think so too.

Why would she deliberately try to wind you up? She surely knows you are not well. Put carers in place , then take a step back and concentrate on yourself. You cannot change her and it’s your health that will suffer. Take care.

Because when I didn’t do it she ended up in hospital and despite her being a difficult old bat she’s my mum and I love her.

Because that’s what she does when it’s not all about her. I’m not long term sick or anything, just some weird bug that means I’m either roasting hot or shivering cold at 10 minute intervals.

Last time I went away for a few days she messed up her tablets 4 times in the week before I went, telling me she’d dropped them and couldn’t find them or just ‘forgetting’ to take them.

it’s hard to understand if you don’t know someone like that.

I have thought about just taking her tablets up daily but then I’m stuck if there’s a day where I’m sick like this week or if one of my kids is sick and I can’t leave them.

I visit mostly 5 times a week and I NEED those 2 days where I don’t.

I think mostly I just needed a rant. As I said I’m ill and extra sensitive.

I do need to contact the GP though to see if she could overdose on this tablet.

It's really difficult for anyone to understand unless they've experienced this type of manipulation. I do think your husband is right and she purposely called you to try and get you to rush over. Also the way she 'messed up' her tablets just before your holiday to put you on edge is another blatant attempt to make you worry! It's very strange, it's very attention seeking. Does she ever ask you how you are doing/about your life or is it always about her?

She asks but never really listens to the answer! The television is turned up to 100 and she won’t turn it down. But I get accused of shouting at her if I try to make myself heard!

I have known someone like this in my personal life and known MANY MANY MANY people like this in my professional life. Assuming that your Mum has capacity then seriously you have got two choices. Choice 1 suck it up. Choice 2 drop the rope. While she can manipulate you she will.

I think contacting your Mum's GP is a very good idea. See what the GP suggests.

You shouldn't have to worry about her taking her meds but of course you will because no matter what she does she's your Mum.

Take care of yourself and get better OP.

The thing is yes she's your mum and you love her BUT she is an attention seeking manipulative older woman who is playing you for everything she wants and your health/needs do not even pass her radar.

You need to drop the rope with this and pass it back to the GP who has prescribed these drugs to find a way to get them to her in a format she can manage without your involvement. (They will tell you there is noone, she might end up back in hospital again- but there are other ways!) Because if you don't she WILL break you. She will continue to mess up every holiday, make you feel you have to 'get well' quicker than you should, or miss events for your kids because she MUST be NO 1.

In the kindest way possible, you're enabling her.

You need to go through options with her that dont mean you're setting yourself on fire to keep her warm.

I imagine if she's told your husband she purposefully tries to get to you, his relationship with her must have some strain?

Your husband loves you and I'm sure he doesn't think kindly of others not treating you with respect.

Please do not allow her to continue getting to you. Decide some firm boundaries that you're happy with, and offer options for those other needs she has that you won't do yourself.

Also op it sounds like you might have a fever, and if there's no obvious explanation ie. Covid, you'd benefit from talking to a doctor.

All the best.

Sounds like you're feeling guilty, OP. FGS, do not feel bad. Do what you can & allow that what actually happens won't be perfect. Do not take on any burden because of what actually happens.

(((hugs)))

I absolutely understand this feeling. My mum is back in hospital with suspected pneumonia. I lost it with her yesterday because she was really poorly but hadn't done a single thing to help herself.

That feeling of dread almost is fucking awful, isn't it? When all the pressure and responsibility is on you to keep someone whole and healthy who won't help themselves?

You have my sympathy, my lovely. You can't just stop taking care of them or you're going to get a phone call in the middle of the night saying they've fallen or been taken ill.

In your shoes I'd speak to the pharmacy as they might be able to suggest something. I believe you can get special pill bottles that have a timer until the next dose time which might help? Especially if you tell her they lock until the time's up so she can't double dose?