Elderly DM

[Guardsman18]

I'm hoping that someone wiser than me can help with this as I'm struggling.

I have posted before but things have moved on a bit. My DM (85) is getting over a UTI. I rang an ambulance, waited 12 hours but when they rang, she got to the phone before me and cancelled it.

Since then, just over a week, she has become very frail, not much of an appetite and very down although she does get herself to the loo now.

She insists that she doesn't want carers to help with showering etc. She wants me and my DB to look after her. I have said that if you want that, then it will have to be when we are available. (We have been to her house every day - DB am and me pm and I did go one evening to make sure she could dress for bed when particularly frail. One day isn't enough I know.)

Am I being horrible to not offer to bathe/wash her? I really don't want to do it, nor am I strong enough really. What if she fell in the shower? The cleaner washed her hair today and I suppose that's up to her. Where does it end though?

I feel so bad for not wanting to do these things but want to put things in place so that life is more comfortable for her. She won't have it though. She asked me today to do my DB's ironing as she's always done it. I did hers last week but feel that at 64 he should learn to do his own! It's as if I'm hurting her by saying that I won't do his washing but I don't see why I should. It just seems a bit late now to make a point.

I have to go out shortly so if apologies if I don't reply quickly. I would appreciate people's thoughts on where I go from here. Thank you.

I feel your pain. I know it's unpopular on mumsnet to expect an inheritance but where else would it go except your two DC's? She's harped on about it for long enough too!

Have you spoken to your DB about any of this?
Or do you think they’re ganging up against you?

You are not being at all unreasonable in not wanting to bath/wash your DM. When my own DM moved in with us she also expected the same - but I wouldn't do it. I did arrange a carer to come in and bath her and do her hair. I acted quite surprised in a "Why would I do that? I'll book someone for you" type way. I would say you really need to restrict what you do, and arrange for care that your DM pays for herself - because otherwise it can take over your entire life. From my experience it never ends and just grows.

Obviously you don't need to do any laundry/ironing for your brother - that's ridiculos!

So your DB doesn’t live with her but she does his washing and expects you do do it for him when she isn’t able to?????

Has it always been like this???

And now, even though you’ve cared for her, she’s going to give your DB more in her will?

That’s just horrible. And not even to do with money, it’s the obvious favouritism.

It's always been like that. She even bought him a washing machine but he said he'd have to mess about with washing lines and things. Unbelievable I know.

I am finding this whole thing really odd and at first thought maybe she doesn't want to bother me but this talk of money is bringing things back. He doesn't want to sign his part of the POA. She wanted just him to have it but was advised by a solicitor (family friend) to have us both. Probably because he has her bank card and deals with everything at her request anyway. It sounds as if I'm talking millions here but she is comfortable.

I've never given it this much thought until now. Something doesn't sit right but as I said, she could live for years.

OMG nothing sits right.

I’m wondering if your Mum has always favoured your brother throughout your lives. Please forgive me if I’m assuming but I’ve got all sorts of alarm bells going off in my head.

How was she when you were both growing up?

I'm glad it's not just me that thinks it odd. I have never felt he was a favourite. He's a quiet guy, has always lived alone (in his thirties mind!) and I think she has always had some sympathy because of his shyness. I was a bit of a bugger in my youth but have never taken trouble to their door so to speak.

She was quite neglectful in hindsight - busy with her job and social life. I was bitter for a while but had some therapy which really helped. I can't quite put my finger on what it is but when I do, I'll post again if that's ok.

I can't believe I even have any doubts about her and my brother's intentions but I do. She was asking the other day how our aunt and uncle's will was split.

Sounds like he's been talking to her about money and may have convinced her to divert funds before she's actually died... I've known of families do this to avoid tax and potentially paying for a care home, so the older person effectively gives the inheritance before they die and then when it comes to going into a care home they are not self funding...

Stick to your guns with the power of attorney, plus he shouldn't have her bank card etc if you are joint holders...

I don't see what I can do about the POA. He won't sign and the solicitor isn't chasing him. Thinking about it, when I told him that I had been to sign my bit he said something about needing to know what he was signing as 'his sister could just run off with the money.' Very odd thing to say.

He was weird about aunt and uncle's money too. I didn't think it would stretch to our parents ad my children though.

Is he your older brother?

Yes he is

This is striking chords with me OP. My situation was less obvious and both my older brothers are kind, good people. But a few years ago, when I was hitting certain milestones with my kids and being there for them when they needed me, I had the realisation that my mother (also a kind, good person), wasn’t really there for me when I needed her. I was a late, surprise addition to the family and I can get that she was exhausted and once I became more independent, she got some much deserved time to herself. But, as she aged, she never showed any interest in me or my life, just talked about her own stuff. My DD was going through a difficult time, as was my son in their teenage years. I could’ve done with some maternal handholding myself when I was trying to support them and that was when the penny dropped for me. She’d never been emotionally there for me before so wasn’t going to be there for me now. I fell apart a bit, mid life crisis, menopause all hitting at once. I got some counselling and it was my Mum who I spoke about the most. I did my own research into Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). My brothers were always worshipped by her, like her own mother worshipped her own two elder brothers. Nothing I ever said or did was acknowledged or acted upon without consulting my eldest brother first.
Even now, it still rankles with me, like my opinion counts for nothing. Sorry for hijacking your thread but it seems so familiar to me.
Fortunately, my Mum does treat us all equal where money is concerned, though that isn’t the issue for me, it’s the being seen as a real person, equal to my brothers that hits home the most.

You haven't hijacked my thread. I think I did that myself when it's about something else now!

You've been through the wringer haven't you? I came to terms, years ago, about her neglect in childhood. (I thought I had.) She was young and did her best etc. It didn't seem right to bring up hurtful things from the past when she didn't have my DF to back her up or defend herself in any way.

Do parents really, genuinely feel that the eldest child/male should inherit? I should imagine even the Queen shares it about a bit! This is bringing up all sorts of issues for me. It's not even about the money. It would be very nice but I'd rather she was living a healthy, pleasant life in her old age. I just feel I'm being lied to. All this hinting about brother having the house. I wish I had asked outright now and maybe the opportunity won't arise again, but I was a bit surprised at her attitude to my DC's gift. She has told me in the past that brother was moaning about how he would have less because of that and I just said that it would come out of her estate etc. If it sounds like there is a lot of money, there isn't. The house and some money in bank although it would change our lives considerably.

It's becoming clear that I'm being very naiive (sp?) about this but I never wanted to be the sort of person who would even concern myself with any gain when my parents die. It always seemed very cruel to me to bring up things from the past which can't be changed now and I have trouble believing that she would be this unkind. It's so 'fuck you' isn't it?

Limesaregreen I was treated in a similar way by my DM. No support or indeed interest when I was going through major events (unlike my sisters who were given all the love, acknowledgement and attention)
And then the expectation that I would go to Ireland frequently when she became less able to care for herself really rankled with me.

I can never understand people saying they don’t want strangers to do personal care. That they prefer a family member. I would be the complete opposite. I would hate it to be a member of my family. A stranger has no emotional attachment. It’s just a practical thing.
I do think my DMs carers do a great job but I also realise that it is a job and they don’t have all the emotional baggage to go with it.

@lazymum99 that’s how I try to deal with it by trying to emotionally detach myself from the situation and see myself as a carer and my DM as a patient.