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Elderly parents
Original poster

What do I talk to mum about in nursing home.

30 replies

Imtoooldforallthis · 02/08/2022 12:16

Everything I talk about makes her cry. I can't talk about family or what they've done. I can't talk about her as that makes her cry or anything in her life. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 02/08/2022 12:22

Books you have enjoyed? Films /TV programs you are watching. Ask what films/books have been her favourites?
Chat about people she knows, or your friends. Do you have any mutual interests such as baking/ cooking/ gardening?

nightshade · 02/08/2022 12:24

Maybe talk about why she is crying, how she feels and what you can do to help?

ditalini · 02/08/2022 12:25

Can you watch tv together and either just be comfortable in companionship or chat about what's on screen? I used to watch Murder She Wrote or Midsommer Murders over a cup of tea and a biscuit with my gran in the nursing home.

helpfulperson · 02/08/2022 12:25

Take something along to do that you can talk about. So a jigsaw puzzle, or plants if she was a gardener. Or crossword puzzle etc. What did she used to enjoy doing? Is she cognitively impared?

IncompleteSenten · 02/08/2022 12:26

I'd want to talk about what is making her cry and try to come up with something to help her.

Frequency · 02/08/2022 12:28

I would at least talk to staff and ask how her mood is in general. She may need anti depressents or something to lift her mood. A lot of elderly people need anti depressents.

Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 02/08/2022 12:29

She has dementia, she is fine with staff and only sees me but I seem to trigger an emotional response every time. I see her twice a week but I bring her no pleasure at all nothing I say makes her happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 02/08/2022 12:29

I only make her cry.

OP posts:
Frequency · 02/08/2022 12:32

Rather than just sitting chatting can you do an activity with her?

Painting, listen to old music, watch an old movie, knitting, embroidary using large needles and wool rather than fiddly cottons, colouring books... All of these are things the residents where I worked enjoyed.

Sirzy · 02/08/2022 12:33

I would talk to the staff about how you can best support her, what she is enjoying in general so maybe you can join in with that aspect

SandAndSea · 02/08/2022 12:35

Could you do a crossword together? Or listen to an audio book?
Could you take her for a walk?
How about taking a ball or bean bag and throwing it between you?

Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 02/08/2022 12:37

She was active all her life but now does nothing she doesn't watch TV or listen to the radio or colouring.

OP posts:
PerpetualStudent · 02/08/2022 12:38

That’s so tough, is she crying because she knows you, or because she doesn’t and feels she should?

when I was visiting relatives with dementia, the advice I was given was to meet them in their reality, and focus on clear, current present topics - the blossoms on a tree outside for example.

my Nanna would get very angry/distressed trying to recall anything about the past, or who I was, but we could have little moments connecting about our immediate present context.

also - and this isn’t based on anything other than my own instinct - can there be value in the crying? Could it be a release for her, and acknowledgement of her change of circumstances? How would it feel if you were simply present and gave her comfort through her crying? Or is it an active kind of distress/panic thing?

AnnaMagnani · 02/08/2022 12:38

I know this is a weird question but is it a sad cry or an emotional cry, given she only cries with you?

As she has dementia I am wondering if her crying is her expressing recognition of you, when everyone else is pretty meaningless to her.

I would just give her a hug and talk about the weather, the TV, get advice from the nurses about what her favourite things are.

Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 02/08/2022 12:39

Staff are amazing but she won't partake in any activities. They chat to her and she's fine, I chat to her and she cries. I now its just seeing somebody familiar that trriggers it, I just don't know how to deal with it. Its as if when she sees me she realises what she hasn't got any more.

OP posts:
Darlissima · 02/08/2022 12:44

Crying with dementia doesn’t always mean sadness or distress- it could just be that she feels intense emotion and love seeing you and that this causes the crying, as people with dementia can’t always regulate the expression of emotion.

If she’s distressed, can you reassure her? Otherwise just sit with her and chat about whatever and if it makes her cry then comfort her but don’t assume crying means you’re saying the wrong thing.

It might be worth asking her carers about how she seems after your visits. If she’s fine, then it may well be that her emotional times with you are actually helping. If she’s anxious and distressed, I’d have a chat with them about the best way to proceed.

Mum5net · 02/08/2022 12:51

My DM barely speaks now. Just a few phrases here and there.
In your shoes I would try a Whats App call to my DBro or DSis and let her see their faces. Then let her listen as you chat normally.
If no siblings, has she a neighbour or friend?
I think my DM likes hearing the speech patterns but I could be wrong.
I also play her Dancing Queen and Love is in the Air so loud everyone in the corridor can hear.
I bring a balloon and do balloon tig. That's her favourite sport and she will bat it back to me.
No words but she sometimes joins in.
I have in the past sat on the floor so she can inspect my hair from her chair and touch it and run her fingers through it.
She also likes Chiropody - always fancied herself as a chiropodist. So i have also presented my bare feet to her. All seems a bit weird but it's just about letting her find a remaining connection.
She likes my cocker spaniel for 30 seconds so sometimes I have to put the dog back in the car .
Can you borrow a wheel chair and walk her around the care facility or indeed outside?

AnnaMagnani · 02/08/2022 13:01

I think you are giving the crying a meaning that your mum isn't able to. For you she is crying because she has lost something, doesn't do activities because she is so sad.

It is more likely that if herdementia is so bad that she is in a nursing home she doesn't do activities because she no longer has the motivation. A major feature of dementia is apathy. And she cries as an expression of communication of something familiar rather than sadness. Dementia also reduces the number of words you have to express your feelings.

You are bringing your emotions of grief and loss to the situation but that doesn't mean your mum is bringing the same.

Mum5net · 02/08/2022 13:12

Sorry, pressed too soon.
It can't be easy for you but maybe work your way through a list of things other than conversation. We thought DM would last six months tops in her care home but seven years down the line she is still around.
My DSis has in the past brought a picnic and a flask.
She has also brough a stainless steel bowl and washed DM's hand's nicely and then cut all her nails.
Can't lie, DM has been a bit indifferent to many of the things we have tried. Our visits are now weekly and only up to an hour.

MrsMoastyToasty · 02/08/2022 13:17

Can you take her out for a drive, even if its just for half an hour?

CuriousCatfish · 02/08/2022 13:23

I used to do jigsaws with my mum or look at magazines and simple books. She used to mainly just watch me doing the jigsaws but it passed the time and gave her something to focus on. She also had a very sweet tooth so I would take sweets and cake and the carers would make us a cup of tea.

It was incredibly difficult to have any sort of conversation with her towards the end. She too only had a few words or phrases left.

balzamico · 02/08/2022 13:23

I used to take newspapers or magazines (gardened world on our case) to look through with dad -sometimes he'd take it and look through it himself other times I think just hearing my voice was nice.
Can you read to her, unless she actively tried to stop you just let her hear you.
I really feel for you I found it a incredibly hard to chatter on and there were o to occasionally tears in our case.

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 02/08/2022 13:32

When MIL was in a care home, physically disabled, very deaf and with dementia, we used to look through her favourite magazines with her. She didn't show much interest or react, but at least it didn't upset her.

It's tough, OP.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 02/08/2022 14:27

My mum's dementia means she doesn't understand what I say and she can't use language properly, so we just have a cuddle. She also likes it if I read her to sleep, even though she can't follow the story.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 02/08/2022 14:30

The other thing she really likes is watching funny videos on my phone - the less subtle the better. Fat people falling over at weddings, cats slipping off roofs, loud farting - think late 80s You've Been Framed and that's where it's at. She used to like typing emoji text messages with lots of aubergines and water spouts, but that's trailed off now, thank goodness.