MIL saying she wants to die - empathy / handhold needed

[Lottapianos]

MIL is 76 and in very poor health - heart failure, blood pressure issues, totally unmanaged type 2 diabetes etc. She lives alone as FIL died last year. They couldn't stand each other and she often alluded to how much better her life would be without him. She has private carers visit 3 times a week. She has been falling at home recently and ended up in hospital 2 weeks ago (no injuries thankfully). The hospital discharged her at the weekend, despite our concerns about her safety at home, and sure enough, she fell again yesterday and is back in hospital - again, no injuries thankfully

She says she wants to go into a care home, which seems like a good idea as she's clearly not safe at home. She enjoys being in hospital and says she is well cared for. However, she also says regularly that she wants to die and doesn't want to live like this anymore. For context,DP and I have a pretty poor relationship with her. She is manipulative, self absorbed, extremely negative and can be plain nasty. He's finding it really upsetting, because he doesn't know what on earth he's supposed to say or do when she tells him she wants to die. We live 6 hours away so we're speaking to her on the phone each day, and DP will visit when she is discharged to a respite bed

Has anyone had a similar experience - an elderly relative repeatedly saying they want to die but also talking excitedly about a care home and saying what a great time they are having in hospital? Some other perspectives would be really helpful

Bump

Your OH has to either organise carers daily or look at homes. To be honest a home would be safer for her now. Our neighbour had carers four times a day she still fell and is in hospital still three months on her sons are now looking for available home. They were trying to save money

Your oh could refer her to her local authority for a new care needs assessment, to see if she would qualify for residential care. Or if she has funds she could pay for a place herself.

Gah! It's so hard OP.

My mum is 79 and until recently has been in good health. Now she has developed several not very nice (but not life limiting) conditions and she is feeling quite poorly at the moment. She also keeps saying she is thinking of ways to end it. It's quite depressing and annoying at the same time. I really didn't think she would get so low as to think like this. It's like she thinks her life is over.

I just listen to her and say it's ok to be upset with how things are but let's see if we can get her in a better place physically first. It is so hard calling her or seeing her.

Perhaps a care home is best for your MIL - I think if they spend too much time alone it makes things feel worse. Best of luck.

In my experience, they just get fed up with the effort of carrying on. I am mid fifties and several of my friends parents have hit this not long after 80. My own dear Mum has said something similar.
There is nothing you can do about it, just crack on with whatever is needed.

Oh yeah. My grandmother has been wanting to die for about 15 years. You just have to nod/make noises of acknowledgment/totally ignore. It's just for sympathy/attention and it's bloody draining.

I just listen to her and say it's ok to be upset with how things are but let's see if we can get her in a better place physically first.

@HavfrueDenizKisi‘s approach is the best one to take, imo. My Dad (85) says similar things sometimes and it’s hard to hear-but OTOH, I understand that he’s widowed, lonely, and has several health conditions. He’s always been a glass half empty type of person anyway so his attitude isn’t surprising.

We’re currently sorting out the house with a view to him moving into sheltered accommodation. It’s what he wants and will be much better for him, but it’s an uncertain time so I can understand why he’s anxious and miserable.

Just be kind and reassuring to your MIL and don’t take it personally. 💐

Thank you Havfrue, and I'm sorry you are dealing with something similar. Yes it's depressing and annoying and worrying all at once, made even harder by the relationship being difficult to start with. A care home will be the best place for her, we just need to sort out the practicalities

'It's just for sympathy/attention and it's bloody draining.'

Yes it is piecelily. I'm sorry you're in a similar position

And while she may be feeling that way now, particularly as she's alone at home (even if she couldn't stand FIL, he was still company in the house) - if she found the right facility with appropriate levels of care for her, she may find the companionship and activities available (and no worry about food, maintenance, etc) improve her outlook on life.

She may well still have complaints and feel like she'd prefer to die, but you will then have the peace of mind knowing that you and DH have tried to make things easier for her and improve her existing quality of life.

Just listen to her grumbling, remind DH that she's also excited about moving. If you need to say something-

'That's sad, maybe you'll feel better when you've moved.'

Honestly it's almost certainly manipulative- it certainly is when my mum starts. It's generally a complaint that life is no longer exactly how she wants it to be.

Yes, except mine won’t go to a nursing home. Anti depressants have made a difference - he still wants to die but he isn’t as relentlessly negative. And tbf wanting to die isn’t an irrational response to his state of health.

We had to push the doctor to consider the ADs as it wasn’t something he saw a need for himself. But because the doctor prescribed them, he agreed to try them because he trusts the doctor.

You could maybe write to the GP, and say you're worried there may be pain issues as well as her many other issues, because she's saying (insert the sort of things she says), and if the GP feels it's appropriate to discuss pain relief with her next time she's seen, you would be grateful...

Because my Mum (similar problems plus arthritis) got put on a low level antidepressant to help manage pain and not all that surprisingly it did noticeably cheer her up!

It sounds more like she's vocalising how she's feeling in that particular moment, rather than completely giving up on life.

What have I just read? You know depression doesn’t care what age you are. You can be depressed and suicidal at 17 or 77. To say that an elderly person expressing suicidal thoughts is just doing it “for sympathy/attention” or is “certainly manipulative” and the right response is to “totally ignore” !!

No! Any person showing signs of depression and suicidal thoughts should be taken seriously and helped.

Even if you suspect she’s saying it for attention, still try to be nice about it. It can’t be easy being elderly and in poor health- until we experience it ourselves, we can’t really know how it feels. It probably does feel rather hopeless and uncertain.

I know that my Dad is scared and sometimes in pain, in addition to always having been a moany type of person and prone to depression.

My own MIL was like this. She had a stroke which left her partially paralysed. She regularly used to say she wished the stroke had killed her. We could all sympathise, going through such a rapid deterioration in her health must have taken a huge mental and emotional toll.

What she didn't quite appreciate was that she very nearly did die and at one point DH and FIL were being told to prepare for her dying. Compared to the initial prognosis she was given in the days after her stroke, she has actually gone onto make good progress and everyone in her life is very happy to still have her here. While all she sees is that she is not who she once was.

@Vodika It’s very difficult and I do think the individual’s personality plays a role -my Mum was always positive right up to her death, even though her life became very restricted. My Dad, however, is far more negative ( as he always has been).

'It can’t be easy being elderly and in poor health- until we experience it ourselves, we can’t really know'

I agree, and I do have sympathy for her. However, I think in her case it's partly her acting out her anger towards her son, my DP. She's furious with him for growing up and leaving her, and very envious of his independence and freedom, even well before her health started to decline. She has never encouraged him or been openly proud of him, and is often horrible to him. So this is all very hard to stomach, even though she is unwell and lonely

I'm grateful to people who have shared their own experiences on this thread

She sounds similar to my Dad, he resents me living my own life, yet he’d be ashamed of me if I’d done nothing with it. You can’t please some people. I still love him though and feel sorry that he’s elderly and experiencing ill health.

I’m sorry your DPis going through this. 💐

My mother in law decided after a stroke that she didn’t want to live. She refuses food and died in hospital.
She had just had enough and wanted to go.
Its not unusual to feel like this. All you can do is try to provide what support you can,
and get her into residential care.

I think Discoverreads has perhaps not met people who say things to upset and control the people around them, rather than because it's how they feel.

My mum 'may as well be dead' whenever I can't visit on the day she had in mind. She lives the life of Riley, out to the theatre, meals out etc. I do what I can long distance- renew her car insurance, adjust her thermostat, look up the returns procedure for whatever daft item she's bought off QVC equivalent. But I'm an awful daughter who doesn't understand how terrible her life is and how she may as well be dead. I spent three weeks staying with her last year, and she can come up to me any time as long as she lets me work while she's here. Not enough.

And why shouldn’t they want sympathy? She’s at a stage of life when her body is slowly packing up, and there’s nobody who thinks she is the most important person in their life, or, by the sound of it, of any importance in their life. It’s a rotten place to be in.

@MereDintofPandiculation what bizarre assumptions you make. @picklemewalnuts is spot on, some people say things just to upset and control other people around them. Older people aren't saints. Retirement doesn't somehow wipe away all the personality traits of a lifetime.

'people who say things to upset and control the people around them, rather than because it's how they feel.'

Yes that's exactly it, pickle. Spot on. You've articulated it really well. MIL often gives me a cold horrible feeling of being manipulated and played with when I speak to her. I have narcissists in my family and so it really pushes my buttons. It's a really awful experience and hard to explain to someone who has a warm, or at least decent, relationship with their elderly relatives

My mum has been saying she believes euthanasia for elderly people or the terminally in and chronically in pain etc should be a thing since she was in her 50s. She said dogs get better treatment. I agree with her, so it's never bothered me. I know how she will feel when she is in the position your MIL is in and I think it is justified. If she said she wanted to die, I'd probably respond that I know she does and it's not fair she is suffering.

Why are you so worried about her though if you don't have a good relationship? Just leave her to it surely?

You don't have to pay for her care or for her care home either.