Parent in nursing home - not settling

[achara]

My mother is 92 and had a bad fall and was in hospital for a month.
She has been going downhill rapidly over the last year and has been very difficult at home. We believe she has had dementia for a few years but not too bad, however, after a stroke 2 years ago she got progressively worse.
She thinks the family (4 of us 2 doing bulk of care but others will do when needed) are stealing from her messing up her clothes and stuff to confuse her.
She thinks all strangers are her best friend and loves to tell anyone who calls how awful we are.
Since the fall and being in hospital her dementia has been much worse. Hospital advised she needed 24 hour care.
Now, as she hates people in her house other than for a visit, we didn't think going home would work so we made the decision on the advice of the doctors to place her in a nursing home.
It's really lovely with her own room and bathroom, dining rooms, activities on etc.
Now the issue is she's very angry being there although some days she loves it. She has been there almost 2 weeks and she doesn't seem to be settling. She is constantly moaning and giving out although she was like this at home too.
I'm worried that she won't settle at all.
The stress is awful although we all have been so stressed over the last year this felt like a godsend. But now we just feel so guilty.
Can anyone give me any home that she might settle?

DM (who has mixed dementia and stroke) has been in a nursing home for 2 yrs. We visit weekly. Most of the time she's fine, other times she complains and confubulates about other residents being murdered and her stuff being taken! TBF she hated being housebound at her home before her big stroke but the paranoia has increased since her dementia has worsened. Her increasing care needs mean that carers coming in wouldn't be enough and I doubt a live in carer would last a week. She's no longer the lovely caring mum we had growing up and neither DB nor I (both as single parents) can afford to give up work to care for her, have the space to have her live with us, nor have the nursing ability to care for someone doubly incontinent, sometimes aggressive, and with multiple medical conditions.

We do both feel very guilty because we love her still but it would break us.

Fishandchipbutty sounds same as here. Mam needs the care. She was never happy at home either so I think this is best for us all
Onthepiste I don't think the guilt will go but as a family we are just relieved that the stress is gone from us mostly. Obviously we are stressed that she doesn't appear to be happy. However yesterday we got her to the dining room and she loved that mixing with the other people. Lots don't have dementia or not noticeably and they were so nice to mam chatting away. We've asked the nurse to make sure she attends all activities and the dining room so hopefully that will help

I amin this same place with my Mum. I feel so upset when I visit. I cried today because she said she was ‘terrified’ in the lounge. One of the other residents told me my Mum drives her up the wall! It’s so unfair. She’s such a sweet lovely person and wouldn’t harm anyone, but she’s very hard of hearing and can’t remember things. I don’t think she can even find her way to her room on her own.
i thought the home would give me some peace, Knowing she was safe and being looked after. She’s 95 and I’ve been her significant other for 30 years so it’s really hard to let go. It’s also made me very depressed about my own future. I’m 71 and was looking forward to some stress free time with my husband (74 in a month) but all I can see is a bleak future. I’m so down.

@dogdaisychains I understand how you feel. I think most of us who have parents in a home can identify with you. I cared for mum for 20 years (we have shared a home for over 30 years) and in the last couple of years I gave up every aspect of my life to support her. Then she had a fall, went into hospital, from there to a rehab unit and on to a nursing home. She has been there since October last year and it is only now that I am starting to see an improvement in her happiness.

When she went into hospital I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital myself and it has taken over a year to feel better. I know she is warm, safe, clean, fed and has company but she and I had never been apart for so long. She can't get used to the fact that she can't speak to me every day and still tells me that she rings me every morning before she gets up and why won't I answer? She doesn't have access to a phone, it's just something she loved to do.

Someone said to me it is a sort of grief and you just have to go through it and I think it's true. Be gentle with yourself.

My mum went into her care home in July when dad was taken into hospital. He joined her in August for 3 weeks then sadly passed away.
Mum is a nightmare. She’s accusing staff of hitting and posting her over. When we said that wasn’t true, she said ‘well maybe it was you, or ‘sibling’’
She is also telling her visitors that Ive taken her rings and sold them for £400.
I have got her rings as the staff asked me to after she was handing them out to other residents, and they are worth many thousands.
I’ve been taking them when I visit to show her Ive not sold them but that’s not working.

We’ve considered looking for another home, but many people have told us that she’d still be the same - It’s not ‘home’ and the staff where she is are amazing. The home has 15 residents so cosy and the staff have time to sit and chat.
I’m having to develop a thicker skin and if she starts, I’m afraid I now get up, kiss her and tell her I love her and walk out.

It breaks my heart 💔

@Borntobeamum the easiest thing is to just agree with her. Placate her as much as you can... so when she says the staff hit her, just say "oh that's terrible..." and then change the subject.

We found the staff best to advise - you’re going through it for first time - they have seen it all before, dozens of times and are experienced at coping. My Dad was never “happy” in care home he just tolerated it but with very advanced Parkinsons it was where he had to be. Ironically my Mum is now in same home (Dad died a few years back) and loves it!

Thank you for your very moving reply. It makes reality de I’m not alone in my feelings. X

I’m not quite sure how to reply to individual posts, but thank you all so much for your advice and wise words.
it helps.

Look for … or similar n the post, click to get a menu, choose “quote”. Please don’t do this to a long post!

Or type @ and start typing the name of the user - there appears a list of user names at the bottom and you can select the one you want. Or type enough of the user name to be recognised, with a at the beginning and end - for example people often call me mere or dint*

Thank you v