Parent in nursing home - not settling

[achara]

My mother is 92 and had a bad fall and was in hospital for a month.
She has been going downhill rapidly over the last year and has been very difficult at home. We believe she has had dementia for a few years but not too bad, however, after a stroke 2 years ago she got progressively worse.
She thinks the family (4 of us 2 doing bulk of care but others will do when needed) are stealing from her messing up her clothes and stuff to confuse her.
She thinks all strangers are her best friend and loves to tell anyone who calls how awful we are.
Since the fall and being in hospital her dementia has been much worse. Hospital advised she needed 24 hour care.
Now, as she hates people in her house other than for a visit, we didn't think going home would work so we made the decision on the advice of the doctors to place her in a nursing home.
It's really lovely with her own room and bathroom, dining rooms, activities on etc.
Now the issue is she's very angry being there although some days she loves it. She has been there almost 2 weeks and she doesn't seem to be settling. She is constantly moaning and giving out although she was like this at home too.
I'm worried that she won't settle at all.
The stress is awful although we all have been so stressed over the last year this felt like a godsend. But now we just feel so guilty.
Can anyone give me any home that she might settle?

2 weeks isn't long - it may well take longer for her to settle.
The problem is that you feel guilty, but you've said that the doctor advised that it would be best for her to be in a home - where she has access to 24/7 care and company.
She wasn't happy at home with you looking after her, maybe she won't be 100% happy in the care home either, but those are the options and it sounds like the stress of caring for in her home was becoming unmanageable. There is no easy answer, but the solution has to work for the whole family, not just her. This sounds like it is the least bad option.

I could have written your post. She will settle sooner than you think. Trust me. We had to invent the electrics about to blow up to get my mum into a home. As a ‘temporary measure whilst it was fixed’
She settled in about 4 weeks, after 6 she no longer remembered her old house. I feel for you I really do, but let someone else take that load now. The relief we ultimately felt was unbelievable when that stress was lifted.

My MIL is in a care home. It's the only possible solution to looking after her.
With dementia it takes longer to adapt to changes too.
My MIL has been in hers for nearly 3 years. She's settled but not delighted to be there!
You have to step back from the guilt and bear in mind she is safe and receiving appropriate care.

My nan seemed the same. She was fine until my mum visited and then would start with all the guilt trips- her dementia made her very cruel though.
The dementia makes it harder.

Thank you so much for the replies. It does help to hear that we are doing the best we can. The guilt trips are difficult but she was truly awful at home too.
I have to be honest and say the relief from the stress is amazing. We didn't realise how stressful it was.
We are meeting the care home on Friday and we will get some answers but ultimately as you all have said it will take time.
Thank you all so much 💐💐💐💐

Oh - does dementia make someone guilt trip you more, sniffypete? my dm will say when i visit her 'i haven't seen you for ages, have i?', or 'i need to see you very often', or 'we're only living here because of the chance of seeing you'. my dad says she is obsessed with seeing me. i visit her 3 times a week, but i usually leave feeling guilty. she would never have made me feel guilty like this before dementia. no-one could have been more loving, generous and charming than my dm as she was. i think part of it is that she now can't remember when she last saw me, but i don't think that is all of it, so i'm wondering if this guilt-tripping is a thing with dementia? My dm is not in a home (my dad is her primary carer) - though i know the time will come. and then we will also feel v guilty. do feelings of guilt just go with this territory maybe - like mother's guilt about childcare etc?
sorry OP for hijacking the thread - it just caught my eye because i can completely imagine this happening to my dm too when the time comes. maybe we just can't make our dm's happy anymore, and okay-ish is a reasonable goal?

Dementia makes people behave differently. They're not able to process thoughts and emotions in the same way.
We found communicating with MIL during Covid quite enlightening. She often gives DH a hard time, I suspect she thinks he is her late husband and can't quite understand why she isn't at home still. On video calls she obviously didn't have a clue who we were and we could see her actually looking much cheerier and more smiley!
She's entering a stage in her illness where she vaguely recognises us but doesn't really know us - but is genuinely pleased to see us. Preferable to her being grumpy and sour I have to say.

I don't know if dementia makes them guilt trip you more. It's probably because shd can't remember you visiting as you say. My mam's super power is guilt tripping! She always had a mean streak too which was usually directed at other people so we're getting that now.
She doesn't recognise us at all but remembers who we were (remembers the names but not faces).
I think okish is the best we can hope for as you say badger.

I work in a care home, often new residents behave differently when families visit. They still know how to guilt trip their loved ones and exaggerate or lie about the care they are getting. Often this behaviour eventually reduces especially as they get into a routine and find their feet and make friends. I'm also a daughter who had no choice but to place my Dad in a care home. Believe me he was vicious. He accused me of everything he could possibly think of, it was very traumatic. But it proved that I'd done the right thing, the right thing for him and for me. I knew day and night that he was safe. I slept properly. It's a huge relief. Take a step back for a while. It's a big change for you to.

Thanks Twinings that really helps

My mum has dementia. I read something that really resonated with me - "Nothing we do is ever enough. Or good enough." So true.

It sounds odd, but could it be that you/the family are actually visiting too often? My mum had 5 weeks in a care home after a fall at home and while we were waiting for a care package. The staff actually suggested that in the early stages anyway, it's best not to visit every day, to give her a chance to settle in. Otherwise, in my mum's case anyway, she kept wanting to sit in her room because she was waiting for us to arrive.

Carrie I think you might have a point. My sister (who didn't do that much previously) has been pushing constantly for us all to visit and to make sure there's at least 2 visitors every day. I said to her today we need to pull back for the reasons you said.

@achara Have you asked the care home how she is when you are not there?

I found a lot of new residents moaned/screamed/ranted you name it at their relatives during visiting. But the minute they left, those residents were happily drinking tea, playing cards, enjoying a sing along, happy petting visiting animals etc.

Very rarely do residents get visitors every day or even every week. There's many good reasons for this. It's kinder on you. Your mom won't recognise if she saw you recently or not. Sadly In cases of dementia time seems to have very little meaning anymore. Let the home take the weight off you.

@alphabet1spaghetti2 (just found out how to link names) so far the nurses we spoke to said she was fine and would settle. We havd a meeting on Friday to discuss our concerns and how we can help her going forward. We ahavr to sort thd paperwork which is a major pain.
Thank you everyone for your replies it is much appreciated

Thanks Twinings I think thag makes sense

@achara
Your sister obviously has inherited the guilt tripping gene 🤣
As @twinings2 said, take a step back.
Mil has been in care about ten weeks and is giving her daughters the full works. If it was me I’d go once a week for the first month. It just allows her to settle.
My DM has been in care for seven years and you see lots of families going through what you are experiencing. It must be a relief not to worry as much afyer the last chaotic few months

We visit MIL no more than once a week, sometimes nearer a fortnight. We also find short visits of about half an hour seem to work for her. Have something ready to show or tell her about. Leave before she gets agitated - once she starts asking about going home we tend to draw it to a close.. This distracts her from getting upset and it's better to leave on a good note.

If you'd said she'd not settled after two months I would have still said to give it more time but two weeks is nothing at all. By the third month mum told me that she'd finally reached a point in her life where she was truely happy with no responsibilities. She also thought she worked there which had given her a sense of purpose that she hadn't had in a while.

She will settle, it will take time. I don't think she needs two visitors a day though, you might need to reflect on whether your sister inherited your mum's super power of guilt tripping. If she wasn't that involved before she will have the guilt but maybe without the feeling of the stress lifting. If she wants to go every day then that's on her but potentially there will be stuff going on in the home that your mum is missing out on during visits. You might ask for a copy of the activity programme (mum's home had one, MIL's doesn't) to check that you're not visiting during bingo or film afternoon.

It is a difficult time but it's not as if you had a choice. Book a holiday, start doing those things you couldn't do while caring, make the focus of your life you because I bet it's revolved around your mum for years.

When FIL with dementia moved from bed blocking in hospital to a care home we were advised not to visit at all for at least the first 2 weeks to allow him to settle.

Thank you for all the replies. It is great to hear other people's experience and it is very helpful for me.

My mum has been in a home since October with severe arthritis and dementia. Sadly the only time she is able to construct a full coherent sentence is when she tells me that she hates being there. But as others have said she was also very unhappy at home. Plus her physical needs were not being met.

Reading through this thread has been really helpful for me. I can dismiss mum's complaints about the farmer bringing his cows through the dining room during breakfast, the fact that it took two hours to get home after the garden party in the grounds, the fact that she spends all morning on the phone trying to get hold of me and I never answer - all those are part of the dementia. But because she is more coherent about being unhappy I feel guilty.

Reading this thread reminds me that she has no idea of how often I visit (every week) or that my uncle does the same. She will tell me that she missed his visit this week even though he phoned me and said how bright she was at the time!

The matron tells me mum is smiley and relaxed when we are not there, just like others have said. Not sure who really needs to get used to her being in the home - her or me!

@badger2005 my nan had vascular dementia and it changed her personality drastically. She went from a kind, lovely, loving, caring woman, to a selfish, nasty and vindictive person. She wasn't my Nan anymore. The not remembering I could cope with. But I couldn't cope with the lies and truly horrible things she would say. She became very self-centred and lost all empathy. For instance if we visited she would say, "why haven't you visited?" And we said that we had been ill or something she would literally say she didn't care.

The relationship problems caused or exacerbated by dementia are very under publicised. Everyone in your situation believes that their experience is unique ; in fact, it is probably the norm.

we had to stop visiting DP ‘s aunt ( next of kin) because she would try to hit him with her walking stick. The nurses and the residents’ supervisor told us that she did not do this with the staff. He told us that it was quite usual for relatives and friends to be on the receiving end of verbal and even physical abuse. I think it may be frustration, because the sufferers vaguely recognise us, and want to communicate, whereas with staff, they have reached a reasonable relationship based on who they are at the time.

The lack of knowledge causes many people great and unnecessary distress. The complaining, abuse and even violence are symptoms of an unfortunately incurable illness, and should be recognised as such.

Another one here who feels so guilty and is on the receiving end of mum's frustrations with being in a care home. She has been there 9 weeks now and still asks to go home every time I visit. She sometimes says she likes it there, other times she almost shouts at me to get her out of this awful place.

I had a long chat with the CH manager yesterday who said mum is a lot less anxious and confused than when she was admitted and she joins in with the activities which is great to hear. I often take mum out when I visit and we go out for cups of tea and cake to places she knows, I am wondering if this is a good idea and is meaning she is less likely to settle? The CH staff think it's lovely that I take her out but I honestly thought she would be more settled by now