To feel so bad about putting mum in care home

[Hungrymonk82]

I’m not so sure this really is an Aibu but I really didn’t know where else to post!

We have been caring for my mum at home for that last 2 years and we’re now at the point where everything is becoming more difficult. Her mobility is awful, continence issues, cognitive decline and she can not do any self care now at all. My dad is also
poorly and in need of care but nothing like my mum needs.

I know for her own safety and all round well being she needs more care than we can give but it still feels awful.

It’s exhausting and my emotions are all over the place.

[parietal]

Don't feel guilty. She will get the care she needs in the home and you can focus your energy on visits and the positive social bits of her life.

[FriedTomatoe]

Please don't feel guilty. I've worked in care homes and they're not the awful place some people make them out to be. Also, you have your own family to think of as well - caring for one person full time is really hard work. Just make sure you do your research into the right place. Big hugs and hope you sort something out soon

[Hiphopboppertybop99]

I understand your feelings I went through the same with my dad a few years back. It really is in her best interests to have the round the clock care she needs, but it's also so important for you to know you're doing the right thing. As difficult as it is don't feel guilty there is only so much you can do. I would also see if you can get some help for your dad. Is he able to stay at home?

[Hungrymonk82]

Thanks all, it’s just reassuring to know it’s the right thing and she will be well looked after.

Dad is ok to be at home for now and we are having an assessment done to make sure we have covered all aspects of care and safety.

The last 4 years have been a rollercoaster.

[MysterOfwomanY]

OP you can report your thread and ask MN to move it to the (extremely helpful, pragmatic and sympathetic) Elderly Parents board.
That's what you want...

[Musicalmaestro]

Don’t feel guilty OP. It’s for the best. She will get the personal care she needs to be comfortable. Have you looked at any homes yet?

[FlibbertyGiblets]

Please don't feel awful, she is being looked after in safe and secure environment. There will be staff there with expert knowledge of skin care in incontinence, they will know which barrier cream is best. There will be chef to cook food to tempt her appetite. She will be moved safely with aids where necessary. Her whole life actually will be nicer won't it, because each person at the home won't be tired and unsure of themselves - we adult children aren't trained in caring, we pick it up as we go along (get it wrong, too, sometimes). And Dad, let's think about him - he won't have the hourly worry of how his wife is; she is safe.
And you. Now you have taken the steps to get Mum safe, what do you need to help Dad; what does that look like? Extra help brought in for gettingup/dressing him/sorting out his meds to come in a weekly dosette box/finding a suitable place for him to go? Do you have a support network, can you find a weekly group or (making this up now) Swing band rehearsal, Black Bottom Dance Classes, to attend, with care for Dad in place for that time?
Much sympathy, hand squeeze too. Don't tell anyone, I have my reputation to keep up.

[1000yellowdaisies]

Does your mum have mental capacity? (What i mean is Is she not making her own decisions)

[Hungrymonk82]

Thanks for that, how do I do that?? I have been a member for years but never really posted before!

[Hungrymonk82]

Thanks Flibberty, everything you say makes sense! All the things you ask we are getting in place and making sure that we have time for ourselves.

Mum does have capacity and has been involved but it just feels like we’ve let her down by not being able to manage.

[DentonsFringeArnottsWaistcoat]

Report your own post (three dots at bottom of your post) and ask for it to be moved. AIBU is not the place for this op.

[Hungrymonk82]

We have and we have two that are really good. It’s so scary the thought of leaving her with other people but we can’t give her the care she deserves

[readsalotgirl63]

Definitely find the Elderly Parents area of Mumsnet - it was a lifesaver for me when dealing with my beloved mum. Think if you look under all Talk topics and then "other stuff" it's there.

Do understand how you feel but remember you are doing what's best for your mum.

[Neolara]

Op - I'm in the same boat as you. My DM has late stage dementia and my dad can no longer cope. I live 2 hours away. My dad and I are visiting care homes this week. It's rubbish, but realistically there is no other option.

[knowinglesseveryday]

You said


I know for her own safety and all round well being she needs more care than we can give but it still feels awful.


That is a good enough reason. Don't feel guilty as it is no use to either of you.

[HemanOrSheRa]

Please don't feel bad Hungrymonk82. I've worked in care of older people for 30 years. There can come a point where you just cannot provide the care your parent needs. Let others take over the daily grind kind of stuff. Then you can concentrate on the good stuff with your Mum. I very often find that older people actually improve with a good routine of care in a care home 🙂.

[HecatePecate]

My MIL swears that settling DFIL into a care home when the time was right was essential to preserve their relationship.
She would agree wholeheartedly with everything FlibbertyGiblets says.

Massive amounts of sympathy for you and your family. 💐

[Rae36]

It's one of the hardest and saddest decisions, I'm sorry you're facing it. I hope you find somewhere lovely for your mum and she settles in well.

[duvetdayforeveryone]

As long as you + other relatives and friends visit her regularly there is no reason to feel guilty.

I do not think your guilt comes from placing her in a care home. I think the guilt is from other issues. Do you wish you had spent more time with her when she had better mental capacity? Seeing your mum in a care home also brings you closer to your own morality, which would make anyone feel bad.

[PinkBuffalo]

I felt like this a few years ago op, when my mum in her 50s was being moved to a nursing home.
we lived together and it ended with me not being able to look after her properly. I was permanently injured from manual handling and the manoeuvring the wheelchair, working full time plus caring for mum full time so I was going to work not having slept. she had repeated infections no matter what I did. Safeguarding referrals cos of the amount of times I had to call an ambulance cos she fell and I could not get her up by my own
i was literally on my knees, and mum did not want to go into a nursing home, but the medical professionals all said it was time
she is as fine as can be, her quality of life is SO much better as they have activities etc, they are nursing so she rarely has to go into hospital now she can stay home and they deal with everything
and our relationship is a lot better. If she has a “bad grumpy” day I can leave and say see you next time. When i lived with her the abuse I got was something else, but cos she required 24hr care I had to put up with it.
now I can leave knowing she is safe and looked after
I promise it will be ok and sorry you are going through this too

[OhPleaseJustLast]

@readsalotgirl63

Definitely find the Elderly Parents area of Mumsnet - it was a lifesaver for me when dealing with my beloved mum. Think if you look under all Talk topics and then "other stuff" it's there.

Do understand how you feel but remember you are doing what's best for your mum.

Second this. For your own post or just to drop in on the Cockroach Cafe, which has been a lifesaver for me. Harshly, you don’t need the opinions of anyone who hasn’t lived it.

[FlibbertyGiblets]

Harshly, you don’t need the opinions of anyone who hasn’t lived it. SO TRUE.

[GreenClock]

I honestly don’t know anyone who went through this and found that it was the wrong decision.

OP I am sure that it’s the right thing to do in your case, too. No one makes these decisions rashly.

[thesandwich]

A care home will enable you to be a daughter, not a carer. You have done amazingly well looking after her but you deserve a life too. Loads of us in the cockroach cafe will offer support.🌺🌺

[MrOllivander]

I think it's perfectly normal to feel like this. My mum has just gone in a care home last week, and my dad is on a rollercoaster of relief, guilt, upset, struggling as he's never lived alone, wanting her to be back home etc etc
He had a meeting with them today which really helped and he's reassured she is ok