To feel so bad about putting mum in care home

[Hungrymonk82]

I’m not so sure this really is an Aibu but I really didn’t know where else to post!

We have been caring for my mum at home for that last 2 years and we’re now at the point where everything is becoming more difficult. Her mobility is awful, continence issues, cognitive decline and she can not do any self care now at all. My dad is also
poorly and in need of care but nothing like my mum needs.

I know for her own safety and all round well being she needs more care than we can give but it still feels awful.

It’s exhausting and my emotions are all over the place.

I think it's perfectly normal to feel like this. My mum has just gone in a care home last week, and my dad is on a rollercoaster of relief, guilt, upset, struggling as he's never lived alone, wanting her to be back home etc etc
He had a meeting with them today which really helped and he's reassured she is ok

Please do not feel guilty - I had to make this decision on behalf of my OH when his Parkinsons Disease became so bad that there was no way I could continue to care for him at home.

The way I looked at this was: there is more than one way of discharging your duty to your loved one and it might be that there are people who can do it better than you, not because there is anything wrong with you, but because these are people who do this as a job - they go home and do other things. Also they have the training and equipment to do the job properly.

If you can find the right home, where you feel confident there is good care, then look at it as a way of meeting her needs and doing right by her.

I’m in the same situation as you op. It’s so awful, and I don’t know how I’ll get through it. Trusting others to take care of my Mum is so hard.

I feel so consumed by the whole thing. I totally understand how you’re feeling 💐

Feel free to PM me if you want a chat.

Trusting others is so hard. But it is the right and only thing you can do. Anyone who’s been in the situation knows what it’s like. You know when you can’t carry on. The carers in the home will look after your mum, and you can visit without the burden of the caring. It makes a difference to the relationship (in a good way). Sorry about your mum, it’s awful, but you know there’s no other option.

We were in exactly the same position with my parents a few years back.

My DF was devastated when he realised DM had to go into full time care, and it hit him hard for the first few months, but it was absolutely fine. The care home staff were fantastic and it lifted a massive burden off us, most especially my father. My DM had serious vascular dementia but, having suffered from depression for most of her life, her last years in the care home were very calm and contented.

I think much of the guilt we feel comes from societal pressure that families should look after their elderly, yet people are living far longer, and with far greater levels of dependency than we have ever seen before and most people have no idea what it is like.

The level of care my DM needed at the end of her life (like having to be turned in bed twice a night) couldn't possibly have been provided in a domestic situation and we should not feel guilty about that.

I cared for sb for a few years and it was exhausting. At first it was difficult because they fought and tried to do the opposite, later it was harder because an adult who's like a vegetable is still heavy and tall.
The thing is, if you carry on, there'll be a price to pay later on. I wonder if sb's ever told you that? People think they can help their parents and then carry on their life where last stopped but it doesn't work like that. It takes a toll on you both mentally and physically.
If you have the means to place your mother in a proper home, go for it. She'll be cared for 24/7. You'll sleep like a baby the first night because you won't be worried about sth going wrong in the middle of the night and then you can start being a daughter again. You can still visit your mom and spend some quality time with her but without the worry that comes from a fulltime carer.
Don't run yourself into the ground caring for your mom at home or your kids might end up doing the same for you sooner rather than later.
Best of luck and just take your time picking a place to make the process easier (basically you'll feel less guilty, because if your mother was wonderful you will still feel guilty about it no matter what).

Financial advice please.

My parents are struggling to continue living in their home. I live 50 miles away. As does my sibling.
What are the tax implications if DF and DM sell their home and we make adaptations for them to live in our home.
I feel as if I need to know all the pitfalls before going ahead with this.
They would pay for the adaptations and once living with me, will sell their home.
is this a ridiculous idea? (Aside from them actually moving in with me! 🤦‍♀️)

If your parents are struggling now, putting money into adjusting the house for them will not only be a waste of money but it might also decrease the value of the house. Sorry for the bluntness but either they can live by themselves or they can't and that's sth only you kids can assess.
I would contact Age UK, Independent Age and other charities for advice. I think it depends on how much their assets are worth and how long before you think they'd need to move into a home. With enough time there are legal ways to dissipate the money so that they don't end up paying it all into nursing home fees.
Do you have a good relationship with your brother? You can both look for info and then meet to reach an agreement before talking to the parents.
Another possibility is them downsizing, moving in closer and hiring a carer but this depends on a million things and only you know whether it would be possible or not.
Best of luck, it isn't easy but you'll be fine!

I agree with the pp who said you can be just be her daughter again, now that someone else is doing the caring. It's devastating but it's absolutely right course of action.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am going though the same. We tried my dad living with us, we lasted two months and he set fire to the house and could’ve killed us all.

He had to go to a home to keep everyone safe.

I know how hard it is with the guilt. But my god, you did better than most caring for her at home for as long as you did. That’s amazing.

Well today was the day we took mum to her new home, it’s been tiring and emotional few days. The staff and the home are lovely and they were all very reassuring.

We did think about buying a bigger house and living and caring for both of them and with hindsight I’m glad we did t because in no way was it ever going to be sustainable. I would worry about when they did need more care how it would be funded etc. The money side is so confusing.

Thanks again for all the messages of reassurance.

Does anyone have advice on visiting??? Is there a happy medium?

It's really hard.

But just because the decision is painful it doesn't mean it isn't the right one. It sounds like the best place for her even though you wish it could be different.

(Does anyone have advice on visiting??? Is there a happy medium?*
I have found a happy medium but it took a while to get there and covid helped
pre covid I spent at least 20hrs a week at mum house (I also work full time!) and spent very spare minute there
covid obviously stopped all visits for a long old time which was very upsetting.
Now visits are back to normal (apart from we have to wear a mask) I visit mum on Saturday and Sunday and spend a good amount of time there (usually a few hours going into the evening)
if I have a day off work I usually visit her too. So Monday being bank hol I will go visit
But I not have a family at home so I can do this cos I just by my own. My uncle so mums brother goes for an hour or so once a week.
i am sure you will find a visit schedule that is right for you x

My dad is visiting every other day for an hour or so, and it's working well. She is much more settled now. They're about to do the financial assessment too

There's no such thing as a one-size-fits-all, sorry. It depends on many things, including how far away this new home is, others visitors... etc etc. Only you know, so it's what makes you sleep better- you should think (and be happy) about visiting not worry about it.
Go more often at first, so that you stop worrying so much, because you WILL worry even though it might be unconscious. Are they really nice? Is the food good? Are they being showered? A lot will go through your head! Once you're comfortable, do it every week because you can't stop having a life. Don't let this decision eat you up. Do your nails, your hair, got to the movies, meet people, go to the pub! Enjoy your life because that's what they raised you for, to be happy. When you visit tell them what you've been up to, that's what they like to hear.
As for the money you really should ask for professional advice from a proper charity that deals with these things because the laws keep changing. Don't put it off though because the sooner the better. Whether "there is money" or "money you might not have is needed to pay for it", they can help you better.