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Elderly parents
Original poster

Will I regret this?

39 replies

Borntobeamum · 26/04/2022 18:46

My parents are 89/90. They live independently but my dad is finding my mum difficult to cope with as she’s started showing signs of dementia. She’s currently in hospital with covid, UTI and a chest infection. They’ve referred her to a memory clinic, together with a support package on her return to home.
I live 50 miles away so can’t pop in very often to help.
However, we have a house that we could adapt so that they have a bedroom upstairs accessible via a stair lift. We turn the integral garage into a sitting room with an accessible shower/toilet.
They would have their own space however we’d share the kitchen.
My DH is the one who suggested this and I’ll be forever grateful that he’s willing to do this for my mum and dad.
I appreciate it will be challenging, but I will be there to help with care for them both - I am unable to do this currently due to distance. My dad is still very much on the ball and is favouring this as opposed to going into ‘care’.
I am aware there will be very challenging times ahead, but it’s my mum and dad.
Thoughts please.

OP posts:
gunnersgold · 26/04/2022 18:50

You can have them there and use their money to pay for care so you manage them rather than having to care for them . Can you give them their own front door in the garage so they are self contained ..
rules need to be in place and boundaries before you start though .

Original poster
Borntobeamum · 26/04/2022 18:55

They won’t have their own front door but will have a key.
Their mobility is poor so I think I’ll be there when they’re going out as I will be driving.
Im fortunate that I have a great relationship with them both and I know I brighten their day when I visit.
Financially, this will have to be discussed though my dad said they are happy to pay for these adaptations.
They will sell their home, and bank the money. Mum likes the idea of having a decent w to leave to my sibling and I, rather than pay care home fees.

OP posts:
Rickrollme · 26/04/2022 18:57

It’s impossible for a stranger to give you meaningful advice on this. I love my parents and we have plenty of space but I know I could never have them live with me. They are lovely people but they can be very annoying and I couldn’t deal with it day in and day out. I’m also just someone who really craves private time and space. I couldn’t imagine never being with just my DH and kids. Grandparents are family but the dynamic is different when it’s just the four of us, or the two of us after the kids go to bed. But I know not everyone feels the same way and everyone has different family dynamics.

Topseyt123 · 26/04/2022 18:59

If you and they both want to do this then go for it, but I would try to make sure that there is an additional care package in place too because you and your Dad will almost certainly need the support as things progress.

If your parents could help fund it then maybe some professional carers could come in two or three times a day? It would help keep things as manageable as possible for you and your Dad. Otherwise, it could get very tricky and draining.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 26/04/2022 19:04

Your parents will still need a lot of care, and it is very possible your mum will be best cared for in a nursing home where she can have 2/7 care as her dementia progresses. So do make sure they protect their money and spend it on their care so you all have a good quality of life.

orangeisthenewpuce · 26/04/2022 19:06

That's a lovely thing to offer to do. Your parents are very lucky to have you.

Original poster
Borntobeamum · 26/04/2022 19:10

Thank you for your input.
before we make the final decision, I will say that if mum gets too difficult to manage at home, we will have to look further afield but dad would be welcome to continue living here as it’s his home.
I think they will be happy to have carers coming in as needed.
I appreciate your input.

OP posts:
starpatch · 26/04/2022 19:12

I know you are asking about the emotional side but I would be a bit concerned about some of the practicalities. Firstly your mum might be fine with a stairlift but if she turns out to have Alzheimer's this may not work for very long. Secondly I am not sure tgis wouldbe the best thing for your dad, if he gives up his home, I think you need to wait for the memory clinic to find out your mum's prognosis sadly with Alzheimer's it can be only a couple of years and ten he is lonterm living with you (savings maybe used up incare fees)and this might not be the best thing for him.

Smidge001 · 26/04/2022 19:16

I think this is great. If I was single I'd do it in a heartbeat for my parents. My issue is my OH who is quite different from my family and the way we were brought up, and basically I don't think it would be a compatible situation for us at all. (which I'm really sad about but I have to be realistic). So I think if your husband is on board, gets on well with them and has even suggested it, then I'd 100% go for it in your shoes. They won't be around forever, so enjoy what you can, and bring what joy and support you can to them too.

cptartapp · 26/04/2022 19:17

I could never ever do this and tbh, I don't think much of parents that would allow their busy adult DC in the prime of their lives with jobs and families of their own to make such sacrifices indefinitely. As lovely as relations may be.
I want my DC to live their own lives and be free of ties and 'challenges' and if that means buying in care or going into care then reluctantly, so be it. Its what we save for all our lives isn't it? To ensure we are are and cared for in old age. Anything else is highly selfish and unfair.
Their happiness and wants do not take priority. And as an ex district nurse of many years I've seen similar set ups cause massive stresses down the line. Usually for the women involved. My own DM ended up on antidepressants and BP medication doing similar.
Good luck whatever you decide.

WaspStingsAreAwful · 26/04/2022 19:21

Does your sibling have a view on this? Will s/he have any input in their day to day lives?

You sound like a very kind caring person with a great DH and immediate family, but I would bear in mind that most if not all the caring, waking in the night, washing, cleaning, doctor's appointments etc. will fall on you. I know you say you will get care supports, but things are OK at the moment. Think about down the road a bit, and work all the scenarios through.

There are many on this board who will offer their tuppenceworth and their experiences. Wishing you the best.

thesandwich · 26/04/2022 19:23

Please read the cockroach cafe threads and especially posts by @ithinkisawahairbrushbackthere several posters have done this, others have cared for elderlies for many years as daughters round the corners. We have all been massively affected by this . I have been carin* for up th3 road dm for 16 years at great cost to me and my health. However lovely the elderlies are or were.
get legal/ financial advice from age uk.

nannybeach · 26/04/2022 19:24

A work colleague did this,we were both nursing,she had an identical house to mine,but they demolished the utility room,to make a sitting room for her mother. She said it drove her nuts,and only consider it with completely separate accommodation and front door. My lovely DM was my best friend,she came to live with us post operations and it wasn't easy

signsofsafety · 26/04/2022 19:25

It sounds like everyone has the best of intentions but I'd be wary. My friend did this in similar circumstances to what you describe and it ultimately cost her her marriage despite her husband being fully on board at the start.

Don't underestimate losing your own home as just yours, she found she had no way to switch off.

erinaceus · 26/04/2022 19:26

Is there any way you can do some sort of trial period, for several weeks before you make major adaptations to your home and sell theirs? Even having them to stay for a few days will likely give you major insights into what to expect.

Roselilly36 · 26/04/2022 19:27

I have seen this situation in my own family & close friends, based on those experiences, I would never do this, or want my DS’ to do this for us. Think very carefully before you make such a decision. Good luck OP.

Theoldwrinkley · 26/04/2022 19:29

It sounds a lovely idea. But I would urge you to think very very carefully. I truly believe that until you have done a caring role, especially for a family member, you have no inkling of the degree of difference it makes to all other relationships....not just the relationship between you and your parents. The stress of an elderly person (even one who is fully compos mentis) is enormous. I sound like a really nasty witch, but having had an elderly relative live with us (own room, bathroom, front door etc) it is unbelievably difficult. I'm sure she found it hard, having been a single professional lady for all her life. But when her mind started to go, it was an experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

N0tfinished · 26/04/2022 19:36

If you do go ahead, try to organize a separate front door. As your mums condition progresses she will probably have carers in & out, it would be far easier to handle if you have your own privacy. Do you work? Do you have siblings?

If you have visions of them living independently while you pop in sometimes to visit, I would consider that naïve. Caring for elderly sick relatives is a long haul. It's stressful distressing and often quite grim. My DF died of a progressive illness in 2019, we cared for him at home. It was very difficult and there were 5 of us (4 siblings plus my DM) and 21 hrs of carers per week.

Lollypop701 · 26/04/2022 19:40

If your mum goes into a care home now your dad keeps his house. If he moves in with you then the money in the bank goes on care home fees … I think this is true but will need checking. Also be prepared to give up your life… as care needs increase you won’t be able to go on holidays or stay out for long days or overnight as you will have to keep an eye on them, they could fall etc. it’s very likely they will become dependent very quickly… the less they do the less able they become.. for example giving up life admin means they stop using their brain so much and this will usually impact them in other areas of life. Food can become issue, you can end up cooking separate meals for them because they don’t like spices or texture… chicken and mash gets boring quickly. Look at the elders threads on here. I’m not saying don’t do it, but make sure you know what you are committing to.

Gladioli23 · 26/04/2022 19:40

From a money point of view, if your parents no longer own their home then all the income from it's sale will be an asset assessed when providing care - whereas I think if they're living in it is excluded. I'm not sure how it works if one is in a care home and the other at home.

Elsiebear90 · 26/04/2022 19:41

I wouldn’t do this tbh, it will eventually take over your entire life as the dementia progresses, there’s also safety issues in advanced stages as my grandad used to run baths and forget about them, cook things and forget about them, walk out the house leaving the door wide open at 3am, I would also consider she may end up with continence issues so be prepared for the house to reek of stale urine and your furniture to be ruined.

Lollypop701 · 26/04/2022 19:43

Plus if you have siblings they don’t always help as much as they should. If they would do holiday care for example you usually end up fitting your time away around when they can help. It causes friction

countrygirl99 · 26/04/2022 19:52

My friends mum (FM) moved her mum in when she had dementia. While my FM was hanging out the washing she decided to run a bath but forgot it. FM only realised when water started coming through the ceiling. Then, while FM changing the beds she decided to make a cup of tea and put a plastic electric kettle on the gas hob. The resulting fire caused £000 of damage. They had already had to turn the house into Fort Knox because she had twice wandered at 2am and been picked up by the police. In the end FM had to give in and find a care home.

Cantstandsmugness · 26/04/2022 20:10

I would also say the incontinence is like to be a major issue. Especially number two's when she becomes less mobile.

nokitchen · 27/04/2022 09:37

I really wouldn't. My mum died a month ago of dementia. I looked after her until the end, in her own home with carers going in. It has broken me. I can't imagine how much worse it would have been looking after her in my own home. She didn't know me for the last year of her life.