Will I regret this?

[Borntobeamum]

My parents are 89/90. They live independently but my dad is finding my mum difficult to cope with as she’s started showing signs of dementia. She’s currently in hospital with covid, UTI and a chest infection. They’ve referred her to a memory clinic, together with a support package on her return to home.
I live 50 miles away so can’t pop in very often to help.
However, we have a house that we could adapt so that they have a bedroom upstairs accessible via a stair lift. We turn the integral garage into a sitting room with an accessible shower/toilet.
They would have their own space however we’d share the kitchen.
My DH is the one who suggested this and I’ll be forever grateful that he’s willing to do this for my mum and dad.
I appreciate it will be challenging, but I will be there to help with care for them both - I am unable to do this currently due to distance. My dad is still very much on the ball and is favouring this as opposed to going into ‘care’.
I am aware there will be very challenging times ahead, but it’s my mum and dad.
Thoughts please.

We had dmil living with us for a period of 3-4months. She had dementia but was very easy going, and self care was fine. There were no incontinence issues.
I worked in dementia care so had a good understanding of the illness- and I thought I had lots of patience in being able to manage it.
I was very wrong. It was incredibly difficult and somehow took over our whole lives. Just because she had no boundaries and social awareness was gone. The constant repetitiveness was very wearing . As was our worry about safety issues- esp if we left her alone in the house .
Your df will be there which will help. But if he begins to struggle you may still end up having quite a bit of intervention .
We have no regrets about that time, but we always knew it was short term. The experience would make me think much harder about taking it on as a long term prospect. It’s much more of an undertaking than you can imagine, and I have huge respect for all the people out there caring for loved ones who have dementia .

Thank you everyone who has replied.
move spent a sleepless night going over the pros and cons and my head is a she’s today.
I will take all your advice on board and
if anyone has any suggestions as to an alternative, please shout!

It's hard to say as all parents/families are different. I would have happily had my dad live with us after my mum died, he was good company, never got silly about things, always sensible and logical right until the day he died. My mum however.., it would have been nigh on impossible. Dementia patients are often better in a nursing home for all sorts of reasons, they can roam if their mobility is up to it for starters and they become a danger to themselves and others around them. It might be an idea to reaearch, discuss and take advice on inheritance tax implications and deprivation of assets as well before taking this step.

I am going to be brutal.
At their age, with the onset of dementia, by the time the adaptations have been made, it is likely that your Mum will need full time care.
Moving someone with advanced dementia would be hard.

So realistically you are looking at somewhere for your Dad.

I think it could work well especially as the driving up and down would be a killer if you don't. But it will not be easy.

Dementia care can be needed 24/7. Who is going to provide that care in your home?

A stair lift is usually a stop-gap measure to keep people in their own homes for longer (average usage is less than a year, I have read). There may well come a point when one or other or your parents' mobility declines to the point where they cannot get on and off a stairlift without assistance or operate it safely by themselves. I have to say it is a particularly bad idea having the accessible bathroom/toilet on a separate level from the bedroom and only reachable by stairlift.

I suspect you may spend a lot of time and effort on adapting your home only to find it becomes unsuitable within a relatively short period. Would your parents look instead at moving to a sheltered flat in your area as an alternative? That way they would have living space designed for elderly people with support needs, and would keep their privacy and independence for as long as possible, but you would be close by to help or to organise care for them.

Yes I agree with exexpat unfortunately. It will take time and money to do the conversion, particularly if you're relying on the sale of their home to release funds.

My parents are a similar age and we have accepted they have left it too late to move.

I think that for many people this responsibility (and not having your own home to escape to) sours the relationship with elderly parents.
I know I couldn't /wouldn't do it.
I think your Mum might be better off in a care home, would your Dad want to be with her?
I know a lot older people who have recently moved into care homes and generally have found it much better than the institutions they were imagining.

You are very sweet to consider this but at 89 and 90 with DM already deteriorating you might not even get the construction done before one or other is sicker, ill with something new or sadly gone. My GPs spent 75 years together, the last two years were sharing a room in a lovely care home that dealt with his dementia and blindness, her immobility and diabetes while they could spend their time together, all the care, catering & company they needed. They died a year apart in their mid 90s. If I were you I'd look for that solution close enough to your home so that you can enjoy each other's company every couple of days without all the stress of physical/intimate care ruining your loving relationship with your parents.

I'm 60 and gifted all of my money to my DS and DiL and we all live together sharing no part of the house.
I'm still working but the idea is if I deteriorate later on in life I'll use my private pension to pay for careres and as you say they will manage anythng that needs to be done but won't do any caring themselves.
I wanted to protect the family money for them so it works for us.

Just to add further caution, you really don't know how your mother will be when she gets out of hospital. Chest and UTI problems causing a prolonged period of immobility can be bad news at that age. My 87 year old Dad was admitted with bilateral pneumonia last year (not Covid related) and after having to spend a week or so in a hospital bed he could no longer walk. His legs had become too weakened and wasted and his mobility never recovered. Obviously I am not saying that that will definitely happen to your mother, but it could, and you will also have the dementia to contend with.

I can tell you that trying to manoeuvre an immobile adult to the toilet etc. is a dangerous and virtually impossible task with all dignity going out of the window. I know because I was forced into trying to do it with my Dad. It was in his bungalow and only for a few days (had to have him readmitted to hospital) but it nearly broke me.

So take it one step at a time. See how your mother is after her hospital stay and what care package may be needed.

You are very kind and admirable for even considering this, but you may not realise the level of care and attention that can be needed. It can be very demanding and draining, and is 24/7. We all know that we are sounding brutal and we are not meaning to sound unkind, but you need to be going into this with your eyes as fully open as possible, under no illusions that it will simply be having your parents in your house and providing meals. I wish it were like that, but personal experience leads me to urge caution.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I'd be very concerned about moving a couple of that age. The familiarity of their own home and neighbourhood, familiar noises etc, perhaps known shopkeepers if they go out, is a huge loss. My mother was plain miserable for 3 years, we never had a conversation after the move that wasn't about how unhappy she was. The process of moving was also absolutely terrible and probably took years off the estate agents life, never mind mine.

Tbh I have to say your Mum sounds not at all well and I agree with a pp about seeing how she really is when she is supposed to be recovering from this episode - could she feasibly manage the setup you're considering?

I'd definitely look first at care homes near to your Dad, or perhaps even that they could go into together. But I wouldn't make big decisions about this move until you know how your mum is.

Would not make any big decisions until after diagnosis. Memory tests and brain scan will reveal what you are looking at.

My mum had Alzheimers and was the stereotypical ditzy old lady, lacking in memory, repeating herself etc... lived 8 years after diagnosis, died of cancer issues in the end.
My MIL has Alzheimers and Vascular Dementia and Frontal lobe shrinkage. She has memory issues, repeating, not recognising etc but now her motor functions are also failing, she is doubly incontinent, now catheterised. She cannot eat peas etc. any more as she inhales food sometimes. She is getting to the point of either being in bed or sitting in a chair.
We have power of attorney for health and finance... enables us to do her life admin. But carers do everything for her. 4 times a day, she pays. She was diagnosed 2 years ago showing minor memory loss as her only symptoms (as with my mum).

Things will progress at different rates and with very different care needs depending on diagnosis.

I think your intention is amazing but I think they will come very reliant on you and you may find this unmanageable in terms of pressure on you as time goes by.