Suggested that mum get a cleaner.. neighbour came round as thought the screams were of her being attacked..

[pascalsmum]

My mum is 83 as is my stepdad. My SD has a blood disorder that requires regular transfusions. He has gone to the hospital for one of these today. Therefore I have come over to ensure mum is safe. (Frequent falls, Macular degeneration, memory loss - the last issue NOT discussed as hyper sensitive about it) ..

Anyway .. over the last couple of years the state of the house has deteriorated. Not drastic but not good. Probably more noticeable because it's always been almost like a show home (far, far cleaner than any house I have ever been in charge of !) ..

So today, I arrive and mum asks if I want coffee. I say yes please but say I'll make it as standing up and making coffee is not easy for her.. but also because I want to clean the sink and cups before I drink anything.
There is a pile of food waste in the sink. The splash backs are covered in food residue. The cafetière is grubby... you get the picture. ..

Mum spots this attempt at surreptitious cleaning and asks what I'm doing. I tell her that I'm just giving it a quick clean ... we'll all hell breaks out. .. it's not dirty. It was just from yesterday. There is no issue anywhere. There is an issue but only in the last day or two as she has been busy... Unfortunately I bite. I feel my siblings and I have pussyfooted around this for over two years and someone needs to be brave and say something.
I guess that I am in for a penny in for a pound and tell her that a cleaner is needed. She shoots the messenger. I get my brother on the phone to support me. He tells her that a cleaner is needed. She puts the phone down.

I have tried to explain that it isn't a criticism. That she has always been a great home maker. That it is just that her physical limitations now make a cleaner necessary. .. You would think I had just suggested I drop her off at the care home this afternoon...

Now sat in another room crying. Refusing to speak to me.
I love my mum. I want her life to be easier. I have even suggested that I come and clean for her if she doesn't want a stranger in the house.. that was the suggestion that caused screams of anger that bought the neighbour running. (I'm not at all house proud so perhaps it was my shit cleaning that caused that reaction 😏) although I'm pretty sure it is just the thought of anyone else cleaning .

She gets really cross with my step dad when he tries to clean as they have always had very traditional roles - he does the garden, which is gorgeous - and the DIY. She still cleans but literally cannot stand up for more than 5 mins. Cannot reach down or up.. cannot see well.

Any idea how on Earth to deal with this. She sees a cleaner as a weakness and the path to death.. arghh. I don't want her upset . Which she is now.

Oh god it's so hard isn't it.
Does she have any friends/family members (who she likes/respects) tgat do have cleaners?
Could that help?
What about her GP?
If she's anything like my mum and stepdad they regard medical professionals as Gods. Would she take GP advice at a routine appointment?
Phone the surgery and ask fir a note to be put on to discuss if you think it might work.

No advice but here 💐
It's a minefield.

It must be hard for your mum, as she knows she is getting older and less able to carry out cleaning tasks. As she has always been very houseproud, the thought that someone thinks (knows) that the house isn't as clean as it used to be, is just reinforcement of the knowledge that she is less capable. This is knowledge that she doesn't want to hear.

Unless you think that the house is so dirty that it's going to affect her physically, I would leave things as they are for now.

She may get to the point where she is physically unable to carry out any chores at all, and then she might be more amenable to having a cleaner.

You have my sympathy. Mum's dementia means that, while she is still capable of cooking and cleaning etc, she forgets how long things have been in the fridge so we are frequently discretely checking for the source of a nauseating odour which she never notices. But she is convinced that noxious, rotten item was only purchased yesterday even if it's 2 weeks since her last supermarket trip. Now we have a carer to check she's OK once a day and she is not impressed at all that they check the fridge as requested. Fortunately she's forgotten they did within an hour but every day it's a fresh outrage so I time my phone calls and visits to avoid the reaction.

Thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful replies.

You are all absolutely right. Doctors ARE regarded as Gods .. so that may be a plan.
As is the idea of leaving it. On the other hand my standards are really not high.🙄.. so if I am finding it grubby... I think we are almost certainly already there .

That's a top tip... timing. Her rage is subsiding. It's horrible. Haven't had an argument with her since I was 16.. 50 years of harmony.. until the last few weeks.
In the beginning was the Stair lift... now a cleaner... it's a slippery slope .

I won the first fight but am a bit hacked off that my siblings feel the EXACT same but talk behind her back.

Is there a regular time that there house is empty so someone can come and give the house a clean. May be easier if they aren’t in so they can ignore the fact they’ve had help.

Growing old is so shit isn't it.

The anger could well not be anything you've done but another symptom of her memory loss/possible dementia.

Oh lord I feel your pain.

I suggested a cleaner to DM a few years ago as thought it would be helpful and another friends DM in the area was getting one so it would be easy to arrange.

Well next time I came to visit the normally grubby bathroom was spotless but DM was in a state of exhaustion, having done it to prove to me she was up to the job.

I'd leave it for now - you've said your piece- give her time to reflect.

Any idea how on Earth to deal with this. She sees a cleaner as a weakness and the path to death
I have a friend used to clean the house herself but when her DH retired she thought that she deserved to retire, too, and so she got herself a cleaner!
Can you sell it to your DM like that?

No easy advice, we had similar with my gran.
It's taken 6 years to get CCG part funding and to finally talk her round to having a 'friend' to visit who also does a bit of cleaning and cooking. The friend is actually a wider family friend who was a carer and is now her Health PA.

Me, my mum and my sibling clean the house twice a week too to bottom/prep meals and get her washed and have done for years now. It's bloody hard work being a carer and having a young family, but we want to keep her at home as long as we can as we know that would be her ideal choice.

My parents were persuaded into a cleaner when we told them a woman they liked at their church did it and needed some extra money. They saw it as doing her a favour for the first week, anyway, then got used to her being there. Do you know any cleaners who live nearby?

Have you pointed out that as her eyesight isn't as good as it used to be, she's missing little things? She may take that better than a straight up 'you can't keep the house clean anymore'.

I had this as well OP. My Mum actually had a cleaner one morning a week but was becoming increasingly frail and struggling. I offered to pay for the cleaner (who she liked) to come in daily and do whatever Mum wanted - clean, a bit of shopping, ironing etc. She had a complete meltdown and was absolutely vicious towards me.
I learnt that she saw it as an attack on her independence. She saw me as trying to take control. I lived nearly 200 miles away and drove up most weekends in the last year of her life. We didn't speak about it again and of course, I ended up doing all the extras.

If your mother has dementia (as sounds likely from the 'unspoken about' memory problems) the best way to approach this type of subject is by stealth. Confronting her with the facts will cause a meltdown and denial. She genuinely will not be able to accept that there is a problem however much you try to apply logic, and you risk being seen as 'the enemy' (although she will probably forget about it quickly). So in reply to "it's not dirty", agreeing with her can help defuse the situation - "yes I'm just being fussy, you sit down and I'll bring the coffee".

Does she have an afternoon nap? My gran always fell asleep after lunch and I used to the do stealth cleaning/clearing out fridge and freezer at that point. She never noticed.

I'm not sure you will be able to get a cleaner in there, unless you can position it as someone coming to help your stepdad? That is the only way my gran would suffer a 'stranger' in the house, by telling her it was to help my grandfather (obviously you would need to your stepdad to back you up). Even then the carers sometimes got short shrift, but they did usually get across the threshold and carry out their duties.

You have my sympathies, it's hard.

I told my Dad "people" will think he can't look after himself if his floors etc aren't clean.
It seemed to work but will only submit to an hour a month.
To be fair he keeps his work surfaces clean and doesn't cook much so the kitchen is OK.

DH grandma reacted more positively when help was positioned similarly, after flat out refusing "strangers". The woman was very friendly and open, gave time to building the relationship and DGM def felt like she was "helping" by providing an income, obv not strictly true but it worked.

It also helped that she never turned down DGMs occasional offer of a small tot of afternoon sherry. I genuinely think she ended up appreciating the company and chats.

Can you frame it to her that instead of her being incapable she just has better things to do? It’s how my elderly relative saw it. Yes they could clean the small bungalow they lived in but it would take them all afternoon and they’d be shattered from it. so why not pay someone else so they could expend that energy doing fun things instead?

What about talking to your SD - he may well be seeing the same things and hitting the same walls with your mum. Maybe if he knows you know and see it too, a bit of team work on going about it could help. He may have an idea of how to go about it and be able to be on-side and help.

You're doing the right thing, and deep down your mum will know that. Pride and independence has a lot to answer for. You've done the hardest part and broached the subject.

It is very, very hard for some people to accept help, particularly with something that has been so tied to their self worth and identity, as the house clearly has for your mum.

Get a professional involved. I always used to tell relatives that part of my job was to have difficult conversations and take the flak. I don’t need an ongoing relationship with the person, you do!

Thank you for that excellent advice. You are absolutely right. I work in the world of evidence and consequence (trying to be oblique) and can be a bit too logical at times.

It hasn't helped at all to show her the grubbiness.. (firstly I'm not even sure she can see it as has macular and injections for it) but swears blind she can read a book without glasses. Even though - at this moment she is reading her book with both her glasses and a magnifying glass !

Evidence to the contrary seems to be futile.

Most of all I don't want her to be distressed . A choice between a bit grubby and as angry, unhappy and upset as she was this morning - then it's no contest . Her happiness is paramount. I just want to try and find that holy grail of 'Happy - and clean enough'.

Thank you to everyone for your empathy and great suggestions. I will take it all inboard.

Going on a slight tangent, have you got POAs in place?

Most of all I don't want her to be distressed

Yes, you are absolutely right OP, that was my view too. I tried to do whatever would cause least upset for both of us.

You tell her you want her to live independently in her own home for as long as possible and that means she has to recognise when she needs help. This will help her stay in her home.

My greatest worry is this will be EXACTLY what will happen. Possibly falling over and hurting herself in a desperate bit to prove us all wrong !