Mum really dragging me down.

[Imtoooldforallthis]

Mum still in her own home, has alzeimers and her memory is shot, but still manages her personal care. I pop in every day but finding it harder and harder to be in her company. I realise this is her illness but she constantly complains that shes not part of the family and she does nothing. For context her grandchildren go occasionally but I don't force them to go. She comes to every family dinner, birthday, Christmas etc. I've stopped telling her what I'm doing as she just says it's alright for me as I do lots of things. Holidays, night out with friends etc. I don't know how to answer her anymore. I always encouraged to join classes etc years ago but she never would and now has very few friends. She jyst complains about everything and that everyone has a great life but her. Any ideas how to deal with this.

It's not actually services available, it's the fact that she doesn't want to go anywhere that's like an organised thing and isn't prepared to pay for anything.

Have you heard of The Silver Line? I’ve had some great feedback about that service.

Effro in South Wales is excellent too. Very person centred.

Your Mum may not remember what she’s been up to but it might help you if you know that she has a bit more variety and structure to her days and weeks.

There definitely will be things in your area that would be suitable. It’s not all day centres and organised activities. Services can often be hard to find out about, especially the smaller ones. Hopefully whoever contacts you from social services will be really up to date on what’s available locally for you.

@Imtoooldforallthis

She gets attendance allowance but refuses to spend it. She has a neighbour who calls daily and myself and one other friend who calls once a week so she is not totally alone. I'm hoping when our local social services call me there will be some help to give her.

Being a carer requires certain training and qualifications. If this were true a lot of MNers would be out od their unpaid jobs.

In a lot of cases it's actually much more appropriate for a non family member to be the carer.

If financially possible it can be a benefit when it comes to dementia care.
Parents can react differently to children who they raised than they do to strangers. Not having the close personal relationship professional carers dont have the same emotional reaction and can be more clinical in evaluating their reaction.

Imtoooldforallthis
Iam definately not a natural carer,
YOU are still there, still doing what you can, still worrying. Give yourself some credit for that. 🌻

I go planning to do all sorts with her, but within 10 minutes I'm pulling my hair out.

For the next few days reduce your planning of interactions to a cuppa and hello. If you aim high every setback is a stick to beat yourself (dont do that🙁 acknowledge that DM has it covered and is older & better at it than you😯). Aim as low as possible anything over an above is a win.

She gets attendance allowance but refuses to spend it.
Has DM still got legal capacity?
Do you have siblings?

If DM has capacity she should (needs to) put the legal framework in place for you or another family member to be given the legal authority to act if and when she looses legal capacity.
Along side that establish if her GP and other HCP will discuss her care openly with you (family). If DM has capacity she can give permission.
Dito for her care package. If you can agree to have a carer appointed begin by scheduling the carer to start work while you are in the house. You are "introducing" them while being a buffer as DM is getting use to having a strange in her house.

Independant of that you and your siblings need to come to discuss how you all see her care progressing its better if an agreement in principle can be reached. Ask her GP for referral to a medical social worker who would be able to outline what options are available locally from in homecare to residential care. However if you are the main caregiver you get to draw your boundries around what you can and cant cope with.

I'm hoping when our local social services call me there will be some help to give her.
Local care can be stretched to the limit so you need to set your boundries and consider if DM may be happier to staying at home complaining about not going out rather than actually go out or do stuff.

I just wanted to say that I think you are doing amazingly going every day. Just because you are gritting your teeth over it doesn't change just how much work that is.

Can you take any jobs over to do while you're there? Some knitting you keep at her house even?? Then at least you have the satisfaction of some progress on the jumper/tapestry each time, and there's something else to talk about.

Mentally don your comment proof cape before you go in. Understand it’s her condition talking and not “her” and certainly not because of you. Turn on music, sing, talk over her a bit. Be neutral and say “that sounds very hard” or “that’s a shame” and then distract and change the subject. Treat yourself kindly and reward your visits with a treat after like a Costa or a chocolate bar or something as it’s bloody hard. Chin up ❤️

I salute you! I find visiting my Mum excruciating and have cut down visits to once a week for my own sanity, though I do call each day.

It got to the point that she was 'bored and lonely' no matter what, yet won't engage with others in her sheltered accommodation because "old people are boring"

@ApricotArcade

I salute you! I find visiting my Mum excruciating and have cut down visits to once a week for my own sanity, though I do call each day.

It got to the point that she was 'bored and lonely' no matter what, yet won't engage with others in her sheltered accommodation because "old people are boring"

Exactly that! My mother was in sheltered housing where she moaned incessantly about how unfriendly everyone was, not social, didnt go out. When I was clearing her house out when she moved to a home, I met three neighbours in one morning. All three said how unsocial she was, how they had all invited her over/ to a party for someones 90th, and the coffee mornings. She always said no!

I feel for you as I too have given up trying to get my parent out to groups. Flat out refusal. I think it’s mourning for the old days; old days viewed with rose tinted spectacles. Anything else is second best. It’s extremely wearing especially if you are ground down by other practical support that is needed. I feel that after being housekeeper, medic, personal shopper, secretary, banker, gardener and general dogsbody, I’m too worn out to be best chum and counsellor too.

OP, I do feel for you as I've found it impossible to get my DM to join anything, she's in good health for her age and I've said I'll take her but everything is met with excuses or flat refusal. @Lorzest sums up exactly how I feel, having done all the other drudge work, I simply don't have the energy. I've realised that what she really wants is to moan, not find a solution but it is so draining.

I have very much the same thing going on with my mum .She lives in another country to me but i go home regularly and we are on the phone often .My dad is still alive but very frail .what i am not coping with is all the negativity .Since Covid a lot of what she used to do has stopped and quite a few of her friends and aquaintances have died .When we chat I have this feeling that it always turns into a bitching session about her friends , the neighbours , members of extended family .It's like she wants everyone to be miserable with her .Inside I am screaming 'stop , stop , stop! .Im planning a trip soon and dreading it as I know it will be hours and hours of complaining and moaning.

@schnubbins It occurred to me recently that mine doesn't have a good word to say about anyone - everyone and everything is wrong . Mine has so much anger mixed in with this negativity, she's constantly spoiling for a row when there isn't one to be had, I'm usually agreeing with her 'oh I know, I know, you're right, I know'. One of yesterday's moans was that her bank want to introduce a monthly charge which can easily be revoked if she reverts to her original account with the same bank. When I phoned this morning, she started up the same tirade. When I reminded her that a 'quick phone call will fix it', she said 'oh I've got until August to do that', and this is what she wants, 5 full months of complaining, it's ridiculous and so exhausting.