Mum really dragging me down.

[Imtoooldforallthis]

Mum still in her own home, has alzeimers and her memory is shot, but still manages her personal care. I pop in every day but finding it harder and harder to be in her company. I realise this is her illness but she constantly complains that shes not part of the family and she does nothing. For context her grandchildren go occasionally but I don't force them to go. She comes to every family dinner, birthday, Christmas etc. I've stopped telling her what I'm doing as she just says it's alright for me as I do lots of things. Holidays, night out with friends etc. I don't know how to answer her anymore. I always encouraged to join classes etc years ago but she never would and now has very few friends. She jyst complains about everything and that everyone has a great life but her. Any ideas how to deal with this.

Having carers to support with shopping, meal preparation etc can break the long periods of being alone.

Are there any day centres that she could go to locally?

It’s tough op.

She won't go to day centres, I am in the process of a social services assessment. It's the constant moaning I can't deal with. She says she looks awful and no one ever complements her, yet will go out in scruffy clothes when I suggest she wears something different she says she doesn't care. I have step grandchildren who I don't see that regularly, she says she hardly ever sees them I try explain they have there own family, but she won't have it that she's not being left out. It's driving me crazy. She compares herself to me and I don't know how to answer that, I've said when she was my age she was much slimmer and prettier but it doesn't make any difference.

Stop going every day or cut the length of each visit?

My mum has always been like this and it is exhausting. I have distanced myself as much as i feel is possible but this gets harder as they age and become more in need of support. When they refuse outside help it can really make you feel trapped. Sorry i cant provide a solution but l hugely empathise.

Thank you, I just feel guilty for living my life. I am lucky that we do lots of things and trips away, but find I'm running out of things to say to her that won't get a jealous response. I feel as though I'm responsible for her happiness. It is so draining.

You are not responsible for her happiness. Try to erect an emotional barrier, treat her as if you were her social worker. Cheery sympathy without any promises to put it right.

. Remind yourself that her complaints aren’t aimed at you, they’re just her frustration that her life is no longer what it was. Do whatever you need to to let them roll over you - complaints bingo, count how many whinges in the first 15mins. Anything that turns her from a person with emotional hold over you to a lab rat to be observed.

And if that sounds harsh, remember lab rats by law are treated well.

If you did take her out every day would she even remember?

I suspect she is moaning not because grandchildren don't go round/she isn't part of the family etc but because she can't actually remember what does happen and she gets bored during the day.

A big part of dementia is not being able to initiate activities - you give examples of this such as won't go to day centre, wears scruffy clothes, wouldn't join classes. But then having not initiated anything doesn't mean the person with dementia isn't flailing about desperate for some distraction and actually really bored.

Social services assessment is a good idea, with either day centre or carers being presented as not optional - once they are there, it's very likely she'll like them as her time will be filled and she will have the social connection and activity she needs.

I'll bet that it's part of the development of her illness. Think of is as if her brain has gotten a fixed thought pattern like an old fashioned record on a loop. Nothing you say or do will change the way her brain is processing her experiences.

Accepting that is hard.
Really hard.
But if you accept that its a pattern you can't break or change the outcome it should be easier for you to manage your emotional response.

Changing the subject, just agreeing with comments, ignoring conversational openings, distraction by talking about something she likes etc.
There are numerous options which you can use to participate in her conversations but dont try to solve "the problem" you mum comes up with.
Stock phrases "Hummm", "Yes Dear" "Right" etc shows you heard the sounds but are not really giving your own opinion. Its finding what works for you (complaints bingo whatever)

Has your mother been referred in for specialist geriatric care? There are some meds which can help slow memory loss and she may be depressed on top of everything else.

You may already have the link below
www.nhs.uk/conditions/dementia/help-and-support/#:~:text=Alzheimer's%20Society%20runs%20the%20Dementia,life%20for%20people%20with%20dementia

You should also see it there are any local carers groups who talk with you and offer moral support.

Thank you all for your kind words some very insightful thoughts and reading them has made a lot of sense. Still not sure how I get through the visits though.

Do you have to visit as often?

Is this where the right carer support can lift some of the burden?

It can be pretty joyless getting old!
Contact Age UK perhaps? They might have some advice. Some places you can access befriending type services where someone could ring your Mum for a chat.
When you see your Mum, what do you do? Sit and chat? If so, perhaps try and change that to doing something? Like a jigsaw or take some bulbs to plant in a pot? Being more occupied might distract her a bit.
My DH visits his elderly mum in her care home. She's often quite grumpy and he finds it hugely draining. He usually takes something within, like a few old photos which often works to get her thinking about something else.

It helped me cope when I thought back to what mum was doing at my age. They were never in the house, day trips, cheap last minute six week holidays, mystery coach tours. No child care, no elder care, just doing whatever they fancied each day. Mum and dad had their fun times so why shouldn't I have mine?

You are not responsible for her happiness, you're not responsible for other family members, whether they call or not is nothing to do with you. I was visiting seven days a week for the last two years and it really is hard. I would suggest, at the very minimum, that you arrange someone else to go in one day a week so you get a day to yourself. Carer burnout is a real thing and this is a marathon not a sprint.

I'd echo what an earlier poster said about the brain being on a fixed loop. We'd go to a garden centre, have lunch out, potter in the garden, go to the library, have hospital appointments, go clothes shopping but a few days later it would be "I never go anywhere, I never do anything". That was how she saw her life, whatever she did she'd forgotten by the next day so all she remembered was what she saw right now - for her she never did go anywhere or do anything unless she was doing it at that moment.

I would have a final push at getting her to make some positive changes, and if that doesn't work (which it probably won't) then I would visit less. I'm not saying to cut her out, but reduce the number of visits. Lie and say you have a new regular commitment if you feel you need to. Include her in family celebrations. Invite her to do nice things.

Children don't automatically become qualified and capable carers once their parents become old and in need of care. I think we put far too much pressure on ourselves about this. Yes, she's your mother and you love her and want to be there for her, of course, but that doesn't mean you should become her carer. Being a carer requires certain training and qualifications. In a lot of cases it's actually much more appropriate for a non family member to be the carer.

It sounds like it's time to start thinking about carers, or at least some regular services, such as a cleaner. That person does not need to be you. You just focus on being her daughter.

OP, you know yourself that you are on shifting sand.
Two obvious things come to mind.

Your DM's condition has plateaued and taken the next step downhill.
Your brain is grieving the 'golden' mum you used to have and realising that you are being short changed with this older- more frail, more Alzheimer's version.

It's rubbish. There's nothing really to do other than change the way you respond as you know the progression is downwards.
Definitely bring in extra help ASAP as others have suggested.

Canadian expert, Teepa Snow is good at explaining it ...

I am definately not a natural carer, I go planning to do all sorts with her, but within 10 minutes I'm pulling my hair out. I work really close to her if she hasn't seen me she will come into work even though I've told her I will see her later. She didn't do an awful lot with her life, she could of but she didn't. If I didn't see her everyday she would just ring me or turn up at work. To be fair I don't mind calling everyday sometimes it's just for 20 mins or so.

She needs to go into a home and then at least she will have regular company. Is this an option?

Maybe she is depressed it can get overlooked bec of the Alzheimer's, would she see her GP?

Think she could do with going to a memory club or lunch club once a week or something

Mine are not at this stage yet but I sympathise as I would find it a grind to go every single day, can you break up the monotony and get into a routine of doing different tasks together at her house on different days or going for a coffee instead once or twice a week or something?

The only thing she lives is her garden, when the weather is nice she will be out at 6 in the morning, so I know this would be a big wrench if she went in a home. She has been invited to memery cafe but wouldn't go.

She has no life at the moment from the sounds of it- some homes will have gardens.

Loneliness is awful- I’m not surprised she is moaning. What else is she supposed to do? She is vulnerable being elderly with dementia- it’s too much to ask her to attend new clubs without support. A specialist home would be able to support her and she may find friendships there.

It sounds like there are quite a few steps that can be added before a care home would be necessary.

OP, sometime you just need to impose things on your DM and see if she can tolerate them. Can be a battle but they may work. As others have suggested you need to bring in other people. Do you have a local Driving Miss Daisy service? Can you pay a student to come and sit with her for a couple of hours a week but not let her know they are being paid? Can you pay for Alzheimer's charity visitors to come on a different afternoon? Is there a gardening society in her area that you could call and ask if they share seedling etc and see if they will visit?
The garden sounds like a very positive activity.

Have you tried for attendance allowance which is non means tested which might help fund these suggestions?

She gets attendance allowance but refuses to spend it. She has a neighbour who calls daily and myself and one other friend who calls once a week so she is not totally alone. I'm hoping when our local social services call me there will be some help to give her.

You are doing your absolute best. I have experience of three, each refusing to get care in. It is so frustrating.

She has no life at the moment from the sounds of it- some homes will have gardens. Some homes have gardens but not usually ones you can tend yourself, or even that you can go into when you want without a carer taking you”

@MereDintofPandiculation

She has no life at the moment from the sounds of it- some homes will have gardens. Some homes have gardens but not usually ones you can tend yourself, or even that you can go into when you want without a carer taking you”

Exactly, no freedom will stress her out terribly, she was in hospital last year and being locked on a ward was awful for her, even though its for her own safety.

Are you willing to say where you’re located @Imtoooldforallthis?

Services vary a lot but we might be able to come up with some appropriate ones in your area between us.