Elderly mother

[Sandwichmum46]

Have had a bad relationship with my mother all my life and am now in my mid 50s. I live very close by and my younger brother lives 200 miles away. He and my mother are very close and she has always favoured him. As my mother gets older I am becoming really concerned that the expectation is that I will be her carer as I live so near. This fact alone makes me look like a really bad person but the relationship we have is the reason for my feeling this way. It would take a long time to go into the reasons and I realise what a taboo subject it can be admitting this. I am not just a selfish person looking to dodge my responsibilities. I have brought up 4 children, the youngest is 16. As to the practicalities I live in a rented home with no spare room and have 3 of my children still living with me. I also work full time and will need to continue that as I am divorced. How do I have a conversation with my brother where I tell him all this and make it clear I will not be taking responsibility for her care as she gets older. I don’t want to fall out with him but he has started making some assumptions on this which I need to put him clear on.

I wouldn't mince words and I would delay in saying what you need to say. I definitely wouldn't worry about he feels about it. He doesn't live your life, you do. Time to put firm boundaries in place, right now, before issues with your mother start arising.

*about how he feels

It's not up for negotiation. You don't have room for her. You work full time and need that to protect your own retirement.

If she needs care then you can choose somewhere together. You will visit her on a schedule that is convenient to you.

I think moving elderly parents in is a dreadful idea. Don't be guilted into it if that's not what you want.

Suggest to him if he is concerned about her welfare , needing care from family members etc then he can move closer or she can move to be closer to him.

Other people's expectations about how you should live your life are not your problem.

What's the phrase - those who mind, don't matter and those who matter, don't mind....

You can say pretty much what you’ve said here. Perhaps in writing so it’s utterly clear.

Worth having a discussion with him and also consider power of attorney …. The wisdom of this board over many years is to avoid being a carer but remain a daughter/ son-

Facilitate but not do. Equip yourself with info re services available etc.
would she qualify for attendance allowance? That is non means tested and could fund some help ie cleaner. Get assistance 8n earlie rather than later.

Thank you, yes when I read it back I thought it might be a good starting point for the discussion with him 🙂. Practically I know that as I am geographically closer the burden will fall on me. I don’t like spending any time whatsoever with her as she can be so nasty. You never know how she is going to be and I feel so anxious in her company as a result. She can be nice as pie but when my brother is here too she is utterly vile to me, I can’t believe she doesn’t see her own behaviour 🙄🤣. I mentioned POA with him a few months ago and he said that he and mum had already had a discussion on it which I didn’t know about. I don’t think I actually want to be involved in it if they haven’t even included me in the conversation. I don’t want to just come out with “there is no way I am becoming her carer” but I want them both to be clear that it will not be happening. I have thought about saying something along the lines of due to our relationship I don’t think I am the person she would want around her but I suspect he will reply that I am the only person around her has he is 200 miles away. I feel resentful as well as I think the burden always seems to fall on the daughter. If I had a good relationship with her it would be one thing but to know how she feels about me and still feel guilty is horrible

Given how you’ve described her behaviour to you, I would suggest you taken no responsibility and so no care for her. Your DB can organise things from a distance, or help her to move closer to him. I say that as someone who did loads of care for both parents. You definitely don’t want to have PoA, your DB can hold that.

• do no care

Yes I’m inclined not to be part of the POA as would be worried I’d be taking on all the responsibilities. Is that the general consensus amongst mumsnet?

Just say to him, mum and I don't get on, and I'm extremely busy with my full time job and family so I can't become her carer and I can't give up my job.

Does your brother know how your mother treats you? If so surely he won’t be surprised how you feel?

@Sapphireskies

Just say to him, mum and I don't get on, and I'm extremely busy with my full time job and family so I can't become her carer and I can't give up my job.

This except I would say ‘I won’t become her carer and I won’t give up my job’.

He knows, has seen first hand. We laugh at her favouritism of him, I call him the prodigal son etc but it’s not funny really. She’s done some horrible things over the years, the worst being about 4 years ago after which I had every intention of completely withdrawing from her. It took me a good year to get over it and everyone knew about it because I told them, my brother, partner, kids and friends. My daughter and niece were there at the time. She was unbelievably nasty. It’s not the first time either, she was furious when I ended my marriage after 25 years for example and completely unsupportive when my ex wasn’t paying up for the kids and I had to borrow money and sell car, jewellery etc to pay rent. But that’s another story 🙄

@Sandwichmum46

Yes I’m inclined not to be part of the POA as would be worried I’d be taking on all the responsibilities. Is that the general consensus amongst mumsnet?

Yes, absolutely stay out of it.

If you're contacted by the hospital/GP/social services be firm and continue to repeat to them "I am not able to provide care". Repeat it over and over. You are not obligated to provide a further explanation.

I would avoid POA in these circs too honestly

I know how you feel. In a similar situation. You need to make it really clear to your brother that you don’t intend to be saddled with this and don’t feel guilty.

Go low contact and warn your brother you are not doing care. You can't set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

I hear you, i too have a difficult relationship with my mother. She is hypercritical and vile. I used to phone weekly and it would take me a week to recover from her put downs and digs. I got so weary of her self centredness during the pandemic that i now no longer do the duty phonecall im just not putting myself through it. I do have sleepless nights about her demands if she is widowed, they are 82 and 83 so not unreasonable but also she is fit as a fiddke so coukd live till late 90s. Their house is crumbling, no central heating by choice and she doesnt drive. I live 5 hrs away and I have 2 sisters the eldest has poa and visits annually, i dont. I remind myself of the shite, horrible mother she was and is and no way am I caring for her in her dotage. It sounds like your mother is quite blatant in her preference of your brither, please dont sleepwalk into the caring role. Neighbours and rekatives may gossip about how uncaring you and I are but please prioritise yourself and your needs. She doesnt deserve you x

@Coconut80

I hear you, i too have a difficult relationship with my mother. She is hypercritical and vile. I used to phone weekly and it would take me a week to recover from her put downs and digs. I got so weary of her self centredness during the pandemic that i now no longer do the duty phonecall im just not putting myself through it. I do have sleepless nights about her demands if she is widowed, they are 82 and 83 so not unreasonable but also she is fit as a fiddke so coukd live till late 90s. Their house is crumbling, no central heating by choice and she doesnt drive. I live 5 hrs away and I have 2 sisters the eldest has poa and visits annually, i dont. I remind myself of the shite, horrible mother she was and is and no way am I caring for her in her dotage. It sounds like your mother is quite blatant in her preference of your brither, please dont sleepwalk into the caring role. Neighbours and rekatives may gossip about how uncaring you and I are but please prioritise yourself and your needs. She doesnt deserve you x

Feel very much the same.

You reap what you sow. On no account take all this on and make it very plain to your brother you have no intention of doing so. I'm going to be honest here, your brother will likely get very annoyed that you are not falling into the role he has allotted you. Be prepared to stand your ground. In fact, I would take great umbrage at the fact they have sorted out the POA without any reference to you and I would use it as an excuse not to get involved in anything to do with your mother's care in the future. For example:

Brother: 'Mum is getting older you know. She needs help with X, Y, Z.
You: She made it very clear what she thinks of me when she didn't even consult me over the POA so you will have to sort out her care arrangements with her like you sorted out the POA.
Brother: But you live nearby, I'm miles away.
You: You need to sort out a way of making it work, I'm not going to be her default carer.

@Sapphireskies

Just say to him, mum and I don't get on, and I'm extremely busy with my full time job and family so I can't become her carer and I can't give up my job.

This is a good response. I’d add, “I don’t want to be PoA” as well.

Agree with others. Put it back on your brother. Any time he says mum needs/wants/something needs doing you answer - you need to do something about it. It's nothing to do with me. You & mum sorted PoA. You need to deal with it.
Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Thank you, I’m sorry to hear of your struggle too, it’s such a hard one when you see all around you with close, loving relationships with their mothers 😞That’s what I’m afraid of, sleepwalking into that role