Elderly mother

[Sandwichmum46]

Have had a bad relationship with my mother all my life and am now in my mid 50s. I live very close by and my younger brother lives 200 miles away. He and my mother are very close and she has always favoured him. As my mother gets older I am becoming really concerned that the expectation is that I will be her carer as I live so near. This fact alone makes me look like a really bad person but the relationship we have is the reason for my feeling this way. It would take a long time to go into the reasons and I realise what a taboo subject it can be admitting this. I am not just a selfish person looking to dodge my responsibilities. I have brought up 4 children, the youngest is 16. As to the practicalities I live in a rented home with no spare room and have 3 of my children still living with me. I also work full time and will need to continue that as I am divorced. How do I have a conversation with my brother where I tell him all this and make it clear I will not be taking responsibility for her care as she gets older. I don’t want to fall out with him but he has started making some assumptions on this which I need to put him clear on.

@LimoncelloMadness that’s exactly what I’m worried about, becoming carer by default. Not being included in conversations and plans but expected to be general dogsbody living so close. I can imagine having a conversation like that with him and he being cross as you point out. It’s good to hear other perspectives as it clears things in my mind.

I don’t want to just come out with “there is no way I am becoming her carer”

Why though?

You have every right to say it how it is. You don't need to water it down or justify yourself.

@PeacefulPrune I think because it will just provoke conflict. I want him to come to the realisation, based on the facts I give him, that it’s not going to happen.

@Sandwichmum46 sometimes to get what we want/need we have to come to terms with the fact other people won't be happy with us but that's alright. Their wants/needs don't trump ours and we're not selfish to want to be happy. I suspect that whatever way your brother realises you aren't going to play ball in the way he imagined he is going to be very annoyed. However, don't capitulate, life is short, don't waste it caring for a woman who's been so unkind to you. As the Mumsnet chorus famously says: 'No is a full sentence.'

It sounds a difficult situation.

Aa above, I think you just need to be clear.

If your brother feels your mother needs to have a carer close by, your mum will need to move near him.
Otherwise, he can organise care for her from a distance.

I would just not mention it at all. If there comes a time when it’s brought up as an assumption, then just look baffled and say something like “why would you think I would be doing that? No, I’m sorry but that is absolutely not happening. You and mum will need to sort this between you, as you have for POA etc. I simply don’t have the type of relationship with mum that would make this in any way viable, even if my lifestyle was set up to accommodate it, which as you know, it isn’t”. Any comebacks should be responded to with sympathy for the situation and platitudes “yes, I know it’s not an easy situation” “yes I can see it’s difficult” etc. just use his own tactic against him. He assumes you will do it, you know you will not and assume he knows this.

After reading your responses, I think @ELCismyspiritnana makes a very good suggestion that might be a better ‘fit’ for you. Your golden DB and your DM can future proof arrangements whatever way they like. They can be their own tag-team when things worsen. It sounds like your DB doesn’t treat you as an equal and only hears what suits his own narrative.
Find huge amounts of confidence and strength OP that you are calling out this problem now and reaching a solution in your own head. Knowing exactly how you will respond to him when the time comes means you won’t be caught off guard. All power to you.

Exactly the same with my mum. No discharge planning that she or family were involved in. We found a care home place on a temporary basis so she can recover more and it gives us the chance to work out what other support she's going to need.

[quote Sandwichmum46]@PeacefulPrune I think because it will just provoke conflict. I want him to come to the realisation, based on the facts I give him, that it’s not going to happen.[/quote]
I think you need to be prepared for push back and for them to treat you badly. They’ve been doing so for a long time so it won’t stop now.

Be direct and clear. If he is angry with you suggest he move your mum close to him so he can care for her.

I would explain to your brother it’s probably best all round considering your relationship that you are not involved with anyone to do with your mother such as care, POA etc and since he has such a good relationship with her your sure your mother would feel better having him to help.

If he becomes angry or argumentative just draw back further. They cannot force you to do or be involved in anything

@Sandwichmum46 how’s it going? Just popped on to say that you don’t owe your mother anything. When you needed her she provided no help either financially or emotionally. I’m afraid you reap what you sow. Having just been in your position it will not get better. Do you actually like your brother? If you are honest, what do you get out of your relationship with him? IME trying to avoid conflict is unachievable given the opaqueness of the POA arrangement you describe. My sibling got POA (by dubious means) over my mother and has helped themselves to significant amounts of money from what was a joint account. DF had dementia. Then they fucked off and took a job 200 miles away. I’m guessing the expectation was I’d do the donkey work, Bank roll everything whilst they enjoyed a care free life which involves no children or pets whilst I have both. Err no. I learned from mumsnet this phrase ‘a failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part’ I used it once having had the ‘quick, she’s run out of x,y,z’ call. it got the message through loud and clear. I repeat consistently to any agency, hospital, Gp, district nurse etc, ‘sorry, you need to phone my sibling as they have POA’ I think they now realise that having POA isn’t about unfettered access to the £ and the ‘big’ decisions only. Stand firm, visit only on your terms (or don’t, no judgment here). I know how you feel because of the obligation your mother has created. You cannot reason with her so don’t try. for you and put yourself first..