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Elderly parents
Original poster

MIL being manipulative

29 replies

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 16/03/2022 10:25

Need advice please. MIL playing my partner (her son) off against his sister (her daughter). She tells us that she doesn't see her daughter enough and tells her daughter that she doedn't see my DP enough. He has done so much for her over the last 5 years. He spends hours with her every week. My SIL sees her every day. They offer to take her out and she refuses then moans about being stuck in the house all day! She has now started telling her neighbours that she is all alone and sees nobody! The neighbours bought her a birthday cake and presents and cards because they felt sorry for her. She conveniantly forgot spending time with us and being spoiled rotten for her birthday! It is so manipulative but my DP won't call her out on it instead gets annoyed and takes it out on me! What can I do?

OP posts:
WindowsSmindows · 16/03/2022 10:26

That's what frustrated elderly people do.
"Call her out on it" ha ha ha catch yourself on!!

Cinnabomb · 16/03/2022 10:28

It’s really difficult OP. Something to consider, these sorts of personality changes can be an early sign of cognitive decline? Not clear how old she is from your post.

RippleQueen · 16/03/2022 10:43

Could be some sort of dementia? Memory loss isn’t necessarily the first symptom, can be behaviour changes. Has she seen a GP recently? Blood tests to check B12 and thyroid levels and a simple memory test maybe wise. She may resist and say nothing’s wrong. You may bleed to use subterfuge to get her there.
I would keep a log of the incidents and then maybe email the GP with your concerns.

lemongreentea · 16/03/2022 10:49

stay out of it and accept that she has a relationship with her son which you sound jealous of. leave the poor woman alone and stop shit stirring. shes old and will probably die soon then you will be free.

countrygirl99 · 16/03/2022 10:56

@lemongreentea are you replying to the wrong post?

PragmaticWench · 16/03/2022 10:58

@lemongreentea what a nasty post! Did you not understand the OP's post? They haven't described any jealousy, what a ridiculous assumption to make, they are clearly struggling with the MIL's behaviour towards their partner.

OP, this is quite common behaviour with mental decline, it could be that she's genuinely not really remembering how much she sees you all and often people can cover this decline up when you question them directly, so you don't realise the extent of it.

Original poster
Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 16/03/2022 11:00

I am not jealous of her relationship with my DP! What I am concerned about is her telling lies to her neighbours and being so manipulative towards family members.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 16/03/2022 11:02

Yes, I’ve seen this with a couple of elderly relatives who have all lived alone.
My advice is to ignore it and not let it bother you. It’s hard I know, but it will affect you if you don’t.

lemongreentea · 16/03/2022 11:07

your mil is not being manipulative

He has done so much for her over the last 5 years. and what? does that merit some sort of prize? she raised him and did EVERYTHING for him growing up. unless theres a back story and she was negectful.

shes telling neighbours and friends shes alone, maybe thats how she feels. encourage your DP to spend more time with his mum and give her the attention shes obviously craving.

if you think it the start of dementia then sil and dp need to have an frank conversation with their mother.

SiobhanSharpe · 16/03/2022 11:09

This is very common. Elderly people swear blind their faimily hardly ever sees them when in fact the families are in close contact on a weekly, or even daily basis!
I think they do often forget, but there can be a degree of manipulation/self pity involved too.
And it's very hard to deal with. (Voice of experience here).
But the neighbours might well be aware that the family does indeed see her regularly.

Cinnabomb · 16/03/2022 11:10

@lemongreentea I’m not sure you have enough information to declare “she’s not being manipulative”. It’s actually a very common symptom of early cognitive decline, as PP have said. So there is a good chance she may well be, even if it’s not deliberate. I don’t think the tone of your first post was necessary. Caring for elderly relatives can be extremely difficult and is deserving of understanding.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 16/03/2022 11:11

The first thing I would suggest is that you and your husband and your sister in law make sure you are all united so that you can support each other. Caring for/supporting an elderly relative is tough and your husband and sister in law need to present a united front for their own sanity.

When you get the chance you can tell the neighbours that you are concerned about MiL's memory because for her birthday you did X/Y/Z and she seems to have forgotten. It is best that you all work together rather than allow her to play you off against each other.

londonmummy1966 · 16/03/2022 11:13

Surely the right approach here is for DH to talk to his sister and decide between them if it is manipulation - in which case the best response would be to smile and say but you only saw them yesterday/the other day over and over. If they think that it might be memory loss then they should jointly suggest that she sees a doctor.

jytdtysrht · 16/03/2022 11:14

I would worry that she has memory loss and get her assessed.

Theunamedcat · 16/03/2022 11:15

You explain to your husband that his relationship with his mother is his to manage and its not your fault when things go wrong you are NOT the person responsible they are and you will not accept being the person taking the flack when things go wrong he either discusses it with her or a Councillor not you

And him and his sister need to be on the same page not competing with each other

Old age is no excuse (illness is)

jytdtysrht · 16/03/2022 11:18

I would say that forgetting what happened on her birthday is pretty severe.

My mil had some memory issues - but she knew very well that she had them. She would say something and then say the exact same thing 30 mins later, have the same conversation with no recollection. We would obviously not embarrass her over it, but one time one of my dc said oh nanny you just said the same thing and she said, oh did I - yes I probably did as my memory is not very good these days.

If your mil is not aware then she is far worse than mine was and may need residential care.

balzamico · 16/03/2022 11:18

We've been through this twice and ended up with a book (desk diary or similar).
It was really useful as we could refute claims of not seeing people but also was a good way to communicate eg changed lightbulb, brought eggs, watched gardeners world etc

I'm not sure it stopped the complaints but it did help us

MintJulia · 16/03/2022 11:20

my dm did that too. We ensured she had a visitor every day, suggested taking her out every weekend which she always declined, and she swore she was alone and neglected.

Maybe expectations? I saw spending four hours with her and taking her shopping/ to lunch as attentive. She saw me not being in the house for the other 20 in the day as neglect.

The best you can do is decide what is appropriate for your life & commitments, and provide that. Then take no notice of any moaning because no matter how much you give, it will never be enough.

BlingLoving · 16/03/2022 11:33

Agree with a PP that the trick is to ensure that your DP and SIL are on the same page. My mum could be a bit like this although it was less about playing us up against each other and more about her constantly feeling she wanted MORE MORE MORE. I learnt, painfully, to repeat calmly but firmly, "Mum, that's not true and you know it." She'd get sullen and sort of mutter but....

As for the neighbours, well, at the end of the day, you can't control what they think and does it really affect you? I know it's annoying but...!?

Helenahandkart · 16/03/2022 11:41

My mother does this too - plays the victim and tells all her friends that her family don’t bother with her. Tells my siblings that I don’t bother with her. Tells me that they don’t bother with her. Makes up dramas where everyone’s out to get her. She’s always done it, and now she’s getting older it’s getting worse.
The way I deal with it is to limit contact with her, and refuse to discuss my siblings’ behaviour with her. I also refuse to listen to my siblings when they they chastise me on her behalf, and gently remind them that they’ve been sucked into my mother’s fantasy world and it isn’t their job to act as go-between.
It can be really hurtful when I find out the stuff she says to her friends about me, but ultimately I just try to ignore it. I phone her and see her at regular intervals, on my terms, and in the interim I ignore her dramatic voicemails and lies.

MsMarch · 16/03/2022 11:56

I also refuse to listen to my siblings when they they chastise me on her behalf, and gently remind them that they’ve been sucked into my mother’s fantasy world and it isn’t their job to act as go-between.

Or you could do what I did once which is to go postal on my sister while on the phone with her on a London street!! Pointed out the truth of the rubbish mum had told her AND reminded her that she knows this stuff so why is she buying into mum's ridiculous narrative. It did work. But I do feel a bit bad about random people I must have walked past who would have thought I was crazy.

countrygirl99 · 16/03/2022 12:11

We find a WhatsApp group is handy, but there 3 of us. We use it to share mum's latest obsessions and omissions so everyone is forewarned. So, I know she tells my brothers that I take her out to lunch every Monday (I'm at work an hour away), DB1 knows he has all his family round for a big roast dinner every week but never invites her (he's usually out on his hobby Sundays) and DB2 knows that he never contacts or visits mum even when he has just spent an entire day doing jobs there.

Juniper68 · 16/03/2022 12:19

MIL is getting like this. She's moaning about the slightest thing. Her latest thing is I haven't seen a soul all day. Even if she has. I think she needs assessing by the Gp but I can only suggest. Dh and sil have to decide

Original poster
Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 16/03/2022 17:19

Thankyou so much to the responders who have given me some very useful advice. We are all agreed that this may be a cognitive decline as there are other incidents which have raised an eyebrow or too. We have discussed maybe seeking a refferral to a memory clinic which she refuses to attend. DP and his sister had a difficult childhood in that they were hostage to her bad temper and sulking episodes which occurred frequently. She always has to be centre of attention and if not will do something like pretend she has overdosed on her medication etc. What worries us is what she is telling her neighbours! For those of you who responded in the"cheer up she might die soon" vein I think that says more about you than it does me. I asked for advice not judgement.
Thankyou again to those who gave me some sound and constructive advice.
DP has just gone to visit her for the fourth time this week to check she is ok as he has done work permitting for the last 5 years!

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 16/03/2022 17:25

It could be cognitive decline but I know of several women in their 70s (friends mums, etc) who are sharp as a tack and have the time and leisure and personality for this kind of manipulative bullshit. It is very, very common. A united approach, brisk reminders of the truth (e.g. I spoke to Mary yesterday and she said she was here for the whole afternoon actually) and a sense of humour are key to managing this.