Feeling like a resource for everyone

[cyclamenqueen]

Just needing to vent really. found out this morning that dm is unwell with a condition which she has which flares up occasionally , not her fault obviously but I am completely on my own with her, my only full sibling lives abroad and has done all our adult life. They like to tell me how supportive they are from afar whilst calling once a fortnight. We have a peculiar relationship, she left when I was 12 , and we were nc for over 10 years but now I am her only relative (at least the only one she is not NC with). I hate myself but I just thought no I wanted a couple of days to myself.

Next week my siblings only child arrives to live with us for a few months (older teen but never lived in UK so will need a fair amount of signposting support ) I have only just got my youngest off to university and still have one living and working from home. I am looking forward to it in many ways but we have had to rearrange the house to create a bedroom and as they are not allowed to drive in this country and we live in the sticks with poor public transport I will be back to giving lifts (not their fault at all )

My PIL live locally and also need support both financially and some support with cooking etc , we pay for and collect meals from a local MOW service for them and have bailed them out financially more times than I care to remember over the last 30 years. I used to be close to them , they have been and are great grandparents for my dc, but now they irritate me with their total acceptance that we will bail them out of every problem.

This morning my step sibling is calling to discuss df and sm who we have also just bailed out of a financial crisis and who now need support with selling and moving house. They live a couple of hours away and I try to get down regularly but probably not enough, the good thing is I have step siblings to share things with and we have become closer but at nearly 90 they still come out with nuggets like ' we want to keep our independence and think its unlikely we will need care , and certainly that would be a long time in the future ' . they are in late eighties and my father has early stage dementia.

This was meant to be my time , dh and I wanted to travel , but not sure how we can manage more than a weekend away, none will accept care from outside and probably wouldn't qualify either , certainly not mum who when well is totally functioning and compis mentis . I feel so trapped by them all.

Sorry that was a bit of a rant , how to people reconcile feeling as if you are surrounded by baby birds , mouths open, waiting for you to sort everything for them.

Just to add , honestly think if I dropped dead my PIL would just be concerned about who would be collecting their meals, my mother would put on a good performance but would only be thinking about herself as thats all she's done all my life and my df and sm would be devastated of course but would be philosophical , 'numbers on the bullet' etc

You poor thing. My husband and I are just coming out of the other side of the 24 hour a day on call caring situation with all children having flown the nest and mum having gone into a care home.

I don't have any practical advice but I understand your frustrations and stress. I was at the point where I thought some sort of infectious and mildly debilitating illness would be a real relief as it would mean I could stay home with my husband.

To be honest I don't think I ever did reconcile the feeling that I was being totally drained.

Thank you for replying , my career is disappearing down the tubes . If it was one set maybe that would be doable but three sets plus extended family is just too much. Financially draining too, ds and I worked out that in the last 12 months they have cost us over £20,000 and no thanks or anything.

Dh not ds

Not surprised you are at the end of your tether.
I think I would 'rank' who you want to help most and least, but gradually try to do less for all of them, rather than more. Hard I know.

How can PIL get through £20,000 in a year? They are having a laugh.

I'd develop a mantra that you repeat to each of them: "So how did you cope when you had five oldies and work full time?"
I'd be clear to them all that as you are helping five and a niece you certainly can't be everywhere , and that your career needs you, too.
Then I'd start by telling DM you can't help her today as you are helping PIL , then telling PIL you are helping DF and Step M and so on.

They will all continue to take as long as you are prepared to give. Please put boundaries in place now as it will only get worse. You deserve your me time now and you should plan and go on holidays. If not now, when? People who won’t accept outside help are the norm but they do if nothing else is available or they manage themselves for the times you are on holiday.

This situation is completely untenable and will get worse affecting your health.
They won’t accept help- they are accepting yours. Step back and be a daughter not carer.
Would they be eligible for attendance allowance? Would help funding meals/ taxis/ carers.
Please contact age uk/ carers association/ adult social services. Seek info on what support is available. And facilitate, not do.
Read the cockroach cafe threads to hear the stories there. Boundaries are needed.
And 🌺🌺

Thank you., it’s hard though because it’s not so much physical care they need it’s emotional support . They want me they love me Someone to talk to , moan to, take them out, explain their insurance, gas bill etc, reset the brightness on the phone, advise on how long they should hang on the phone to the insurance company for etc One set do get attendance allowance the others might qualify but don’t think ‘benefits ‘ are for them . They will get there but one of us needs to persuade them !

Yes, they say that, but it's not really true. They don't need, love and want you. They need, love and want your attention- I'm sure they'd mop up as much as you can give them!

Your job is to put boundaries in and make sure you stick to them. 'Can't come again this week mum, seeing MiL'. Can't come til next week, Dad, I've got work.' 'I'll be away this week, having a hard earned rest with DH!'.

You really must! Work out what is sustainable, what you want to do, and then stick with that.

And make sure DH realises it's his parents, he needs to step up, you have two of your own to look after!

This sounds hard OP but remember you can't pour from an empty cup.

You need to manage your own health and well being and make it a priority as the demands on your time from others will just continue to grow.

I would think of it like a budget.
Your career needs x hours a week.
Maybe you have 3 hours a month for each of your parent sets. What is realistic within those hours? What would they do if you were unable to help them at all eg if you were ill for a few weeks?

You definitely need to have holidays and regular time for yourself, otherwise the situation is unsustainable.

Personally I'd be tempted to say you need a month off to recharge yourself and they need to make other arrangements. This will act as a reset for the relationship and then you can decide what to pick up again and what not to.

Pulling back from their demands won't be easy at first but it will get easier as you (and they) practice it.

Remember that even if it doesn't always feel like it it is a CHOICE how much to help DPs, or not to help them at all.

With your DN staying it's important to set ground rules so that they contribute to the domestic situation, so maybe you give them lifts but they cook for everyone a couple of times a week and wash up on the other nights etc.

Look after yourself OP, you are the only one that can.

Empathies from me. I hoped for a few years of earning well and having spare cash I could spend on holidays once my youngest went to university. I'm almost too bored with my own story to relate it again, but suffice it to say that my last three years haven't panned out as I expected.

@cyclamenqueen

Thank you., it’s hard though because it’s not so much physical care they need it’s emotional support . They want me they love me Someone to talk to , moan to, take them out, explain their insurance, gas bill etc, reset the brightness on the phone, advise on how long they should hang on the phone to the insurance company for etc One set do get attendance allowance the others might qualify but don’t think ‘benefits ‘ are for them . They will get there but one of us needs to persuade them !

This is absolutely the case with my DF. He feels anxious and alone and can't work his smartphone very well, increasingly isn't sure how to respond to post that arrives, etc. I live a long way away, so can only visit every month or two, but I manage demand by screening my calls and not always being available on the phone (e.g. when he rings late in the evening). It means that when we do talk I have the energy to be patient, loving and able to help.

This situation has been gradually deteriorating over the last fifteen years, and could well go on another fifteen. I have found that not always being available drives him to seek support from other people, and I think that's a really important thing to work towards. But the bottom line is that you cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You have to be well and getting what you need if you're to be able to help other people at all.

So book a trip away, let them know you'll have very spotty service on the wifi and you won't be able to talk to them, and tell them you love them and you'll ring when you get back and tell them all about it. I have done this and it's done me the world of good, and hasn't damaged my relationship with my dad at all (though it has made him slightly more vocally appreciative)

Gosh , all your lovely replies have made me want to cry. Everyone else in real life seems to have parents who are either really unwell and in care homes etc (which is obviously awful) or hale and hearty and back packing around Vietnam at the age of 90. Ironically we also have a great grandparent in the mix who is 105 and probably the most with it of the lot!

We have tried backing off and at least so far it has not led them to seek help elsewhere ( not that there is much to be had quite honestly) it has just led to a deeper crisis. In one case a missing person with police having to get involved, and in another with bailiffs at the door because they weren't replying to emails. So now I tend to try to jump in quickly before the situation gets worse, really I am a control freak who would like them all to do as they are told and be a whole lot more sensible. I know they are adults and have agency but I think they forfeit some of that right when they their decisions impact other people.

Part of it is that we need to make them aware of what help is available , my PIL won't even catch a bus, they were amazed when my mother produced her bus pass. I have just discovered today from my step sister that my father has some very worrying symptoms which they 'don't want to bother the doctor with' and my mother is also unwell but as a retired medical professional has scared herself stupid reading Dr Google and has decided to refuse treatment. Have just had to spend an hour persuading her that its too early for that but of course this is all because 'people won't believe her' and she doesn't want to be a nuisance and she will only see the same doctor who now only works one day a week at her surgery. They have also become very wary of trying to seek medical help over the last few years because they won't hang on the telephone for appointments because of the bill, and in PIL case they still have no access to the internet at all.

Meanwhile MIL has texted me again for the name of an oven cleaner (have told her I don't know one but she'll keep texting until dh tells her not to) Aagh

Good grief, you must feel torn in pieces. I am absolutely amazed at your boundless kindness but yes it sounds like you are being used without compunction (£20,000? WTAF?)

I have that control freak element which surfaces when I'm stressed. It's massively counterproductive.

I think it would be a truly excellent idea if you did travel - leaving your usual phones behind) because it might force some kind of crisis which you would not be there to manage.

Oh wow, this situation will carry on until you put your foot down and stop it. I understand how hard that will be, DH went through something similar, his breaking point was getting stopped for speeding, he was on his way back to MIL after only just getting home from doing an overnight stay, she was having a 'crying breakdown' moment and hung up on him. Anyway, he got angry with the police officer and nearly got arrested, he then brokedown and burst into tears, the police officer was really supportive.....but he still got his speeding fine! ..... when he got to his mums the 'crisis' was the tv had turned off and she couldnt get it on again. When DH didnt turn up she phoned a neighbour and they were sat having a brew when DH eventually got there.
Things changed after that day, DH put his foot down, stopped answering messages at a whim, set boundaries of when he would/wouldn't go round, arranged online shopping deliveries etc. It was hard OP but you can do it, people wont like it but you need to have a life and look after you 💐

Oh sweetheart. That sounds so tough.
I found it hard enough with just one set needing care & attention and I had my brother doing most of the day to day care.

Adult social services and my parent's GP were really helpful - even if it is just to get a care package in place. We found that once my parents were on the list of requiring some help it became much easier to get additional support. Especially important with your father & his dementia. We had a similar situation with my parents "not wanting to let the team down" or "putting anyone out"- we had fraught / difficult conversations about the team breaking if they did not accept help from outside agencies. Somedays it was as simple as someone coming in coming in to

Also speak to your GP about help for you - there is only so much you can do before breaking.

In a more day to day vein. Rope in everyone. Get everyone to call parents/ grandparents for chats so you don't have to do all the emotional lifting as well as the physical running around. I found that the most draining as I had to have the same moaning conversations over and over again. You may have to put up with the tales of how amazing other family members are for going out of their way to call, but I found that preferable to being the emotional keeper of all their worries.

In terms of finances - is there any way your pil can knock the MoW service on the head and use ping meals. I used to un pack ready meals and put them in crockery serving dishes so they thought they were getting home made meals. Or make extra lasagne/ cottage pie etc and freeze the left overs. .... I am a bad daughter. . If they accept the change without subterfuge you can then swap out your time for a supermarket delivery. I would be tempted to dress it as "my time is valuable... all the time I spend doing your shopping/ picking up meals is time I can't spend with you. Why don't we get Tesco to do that so we have more time together"

Do not feel guilt for limiting your contact - if anyone is having a pop let them know they can step up.

You need to apply for attendance allowance. I did it for my late father in law. We took him to all medical appointments, sorted out medication, bills etc. that took up so much of our time. Can you get meals on wheels delivered instead of picking them up.

I would be tempted to dress it as "my time is valuable... all the time I spend doing your shopping/ picking up meals is time I can't spend with you. Why don't we get Tesco to do that so we have more time together That’s a very good phrase!

Can you get meals on wheels delivered instead of picking them up. About 40% (probably less by now - that figure was 3 years ago) of LAs still have a meals on wheels service. It’s worth checking, ours was very good

There are meal delivery services, Wiltshire Farm Foods being one.

I would say lasting powers of attorney but actually that's just more work and control.

Why is your sibling's child coming to stay when it involves so much work for you and you're so busy anyway. That sounds a bit martyrish really.

Having a niece/nephew to stay could be nice and frankly I would use having to take them to things as an excuse for lots of things to other people. But tell me at least your sibling is going to fund them pretty lavishly while they're staying in your house for months on end so that you don't end up out of pocket? It's one thing being generous to family but months of funding a teenager is no joke.

my only full sibling lives abroad and has done all our adult life. They like to tell me how supportive they are from afar whilst calling once a fortnight.

And that same supportive singling is now sending you their child as well to feed, house and ferry around for months?

How the hell did that one happen??

How much money are they giving you towards this?

Sibling, not singling

Gosh thread seems to have come to life. ! Thank you for all the responses , I am taking it all in. The £20k by the way was across two families not just one. Doesn’t make it better though.

Just to be clear I am happy to have nephew. They live in a third world country and Covid has completely turned all their plans on their head . He needed to get out and we are the best place for that . He’s a great kid and we are happy to help . Not sure what they would do if we weren’t though.

The local MOW service has changed to Wiltshire Farm foods . Only peas and carrots , FIL needs to be tempted to eat ( per GP) and we eat mostly vegetarian and stir fry type food. . The local frozen meals are cheaper, much better quality but we are out of area . Before we had these we decided to back off and do supermarket delivery, it turned out they were living on fried egg on toast and pink wafers and FIL was readmitted with malnutrition. It’s not the doing it as much as the way it’s taken for granted.

The thing is there is no one else with dm , just me and the same with PIL we are all there is. They were assessed for help but were told they weren’t eligible and I’m not sure what carers would do anyway as they are still mobile and able, it’s the emotional dependency which is a struggle, they make a lot of poor decisions.

Everyone is right though, I really identify with the story about the speeding, with us it’s usually the heating system. I need to put boundaries in place but it’s so hard, whenever I do there seems to be some ensuing crisis which results in more work and I’m constantly on edge about something going wrong.