Feeling like a resource for everyone

[cyclamenqueen]

Just needing to vent really. found out this morning that dm is unwell with a condition which she has which flares up occasionally , not her fault obviously but I am completely on my own with her, my only full sibling lives abroad and has done all our adult life. They like to tell me how supportive they are from afar whilst calling once a fortnight. We have a peculiar relationship, she left when I was 12 , and we were nc for over 10 years but now I am her only relative (at least the only one she is not NC with). I hate myself but I just thought no I wanted a couple of days to myself.

Next week my siblings only child arrives to live with us for a few months (older teen but never lived in UK so will need a fair amount of signposting support ) I have only just got my youngest off to university and still have one living and working from home. I am looking forward to it in many ways but we have had to rearrange the house to create a bedroom and as they are not allowed to drive in this country and we live in the sticks with poor public transport I will be back to giving lifts (not their fault at all )

My PIL live locally and also need support both financially and some support with cooking etc , we pay for and collect meals from a local MOW service for them and have bailed them out financially more times than I care to remember over the last 30 years. I used to be close to them , they have been and are great grandparents for my dc, but now they irritate me with their total acceptance that we will bail them out of every problem.

This morning my step sibling is calling to discuss df and sm who we have also just bailed out of a financial crisis and who now need support with selling and moving house. They live a couple of hours away and I try to get down regularly but probably not enough, the good thing is I have step siblings to share things with and we have become closer but at nearly 90 they still come out with nuggets like ' we want to keep our independence and think its unlikely we will need care , and certainly that would be a long time in the future ' . they are in late eighties and my father has early stage dementia.

This was meant to be my time , dh and I wanted to travel , but not sure how we can manage more than a weekend away, none will accept care from outside and probably wouldn't qualify either , certainly not mum who when well is totally functioning and compis mentis . I feel so trapped by them all.

Sorry that was a bit of a rant , how to people reconcile feeling as if you are surrounded by baby birds , mouths open, waiting for you to sort everything for them.

This sounds unsustainable for you

You will burn out

What would they do, if you did not live locally ?

Is there not a takeaway or taxi that can deliver food atleast one or two days a week to give you a break ?

If your sister is coming over, why can't you book a weekend away to get a rest while she is here ?

Suggest making a list & see if you can out source some of the jobs that you do to help & investigate carers attendance & other benefits

Will not take a bus ?

Look on your local area Facebook Market place
I've seen people selling roast dinners, pies, desserts etc
Some offer delivery in local area too

There must be someone locally who can help with the food situation

What is stopping you going every other day with food ?
Take enough for 2 days ?
Or atleast have one day off a week

Actually that’s exactly what we did . I collect once a fortnight . A lot of delivery services have perversely closed their lists or even closed down completely during the pandemic.

It has dawned on me as well is that having divorced parents means more sets of old people to support . Step sister is wrong side of family . Sibling only makes it to the country about once every three years, I could go away but then I wouldn’t see them either and I would get told off again as the darted calf must be laid out for the return.

I really do feel for you, but I don't know what the answer is.

I too was looking forward to travelling and having lots of freedom once my dc left home, but then I've ended up having more responsibility for my DF than I would like. I have siblings but they don't seem to prioritise him like I do - they'll tell people how close they are and pop in to see him, but they don't offer any constructive help.

How did you end up having your niece/nephew moving in? Sounds like that's the last thing you need!

Have you got POA in place for everyone?

Can your sister contribute to any ongoing costs ?

Get their post redirected via Royal Mail to your property

Definitely ask your sister if you can book some time away while she is there
Even a long weekend away to the seaside or some other place, it doesn't have to be too far away
You need a break
No cooking either !

Food suggestions

www.trustedcare.co.uk/help-and-advice/top-5-meal-delivery-boxes-for-older-people

The food costs are for my PIL and we are on our own there, no siblings.

Sibling, on other side of world (parent set 2) tbh if they manage to come home I want to see them , you never know now do you? Dm absolutely would not qualify for any help still cooking , baking and driving but as soon as anything needs sorting or she’s unhappy or not well it me in firing line . And there is only me when sibling overseas . No other living relatives .

Step sibling ( the third set of parents) contributes equally financially and we have other step siblings who help when they can so that set is not so much of a problem except that we have some serious issues to be sorted and we are all struggling with it.

I accept it sounds like excuses but I think we are in that period where they need a lot of emotional support and have crises but are not actually bad enough on a day to day basis for paid support . I just need advice on how to compartmentalise things in my mind so I can stop resenting it.

Im not not sure you can stop resenting it, unless things change it just gets worse. You mention DM is still mobile and independent to a degree so i would try and put some boundaries in place now, absolutely go away, even if its just for a weekend.

Re compartmentalisation: I give you permission to have time to yourself. Do not pick up your phone if people call. Do not feel guilty if people ask where you have been. That time is yours for now and always.

I agree about the extra demands post divorce. I remember thinking in my first marriage that my mum was delicately implying I wasn't visiting enough, but we had 4 sets of parents between us to visit plus at that time 4 grandmothers too.

I just can't see how you can carry on like this. The stress sounds unbelievable. I'm a believer in advertising for exactly what you want, eg 'person wanted to cook lunch 5 x a week for elderly couple and put 2 meals in freezer' and see if you can outsource some practical jobs so that the emotional support is not part of some huge complex of demands but stands alone.

I just need advice on how to compartmentalise things in my mind so I can stop resenting it. try treating it as a job. Decide how many hours a week you are going to devote to it, and stick to it. They won’t accept, and SS won’t offer, help unless there is a crisis. Needing to be tempted to eat sounds as if they aren’t capable of living alone but while you’re papering the cracks none will realise.

But it is really hard for you, because they are asking help for major things, it’s not “we’re in crisis here, the tv won’t work, can you come and have a look at it?” “ok, but I can’t come today, I can have a look at it next Wednesday”.

But just totting up the amount of time you spend makes it easier for you to de-prioritise what you can, and give yourself permission to take the phone off the hook when you want some downtime.

Maybe it would help to do an exercise whereby you think about what would have happened if you had only been able to do 50% of what you did in the last month. And how that could have been managed if you were not able to do it. Which 50% would you have done and which 50% would you not have done?

I'd bounce that exercise off other people because they may have a different take which could be helpful.

Im frustrated that when your FIL was hospitalised for malnutrition there wasn't at least some support - a dietetic review, a cognitive assessment, social services? Or perhaps there was, and your PILs said yes, yes, all fine, our DIL will help us

You must be under unimaginable pressure. I would suggest you get the elderly team at Social Services involved, they can then at least signpost a few things. I would have thought if they're all so financially strapped for cash, then they should be eligible for some services? It sounds awful that you're having to spend out such large amounts of cash from your own pockets. If they're fairly mentally able, I think you need also to sit down with them and explain the situation. You burning out helps no-one. Sympathies, I've been there myself - albeit with only one very awkward and elderly father, who was thankfully financially independent. I employed directly someone to help as well as carers coming in twice daily, but still the mental and emotional load was on me. (I visited him every day and phoned him evening evening before bed). The speeding thing the other poster resonates with me too - I got one dashing home from Dad to take our little daughter to the cinema. You're on a knife-edge all the time. Sympathies, I hope you can talk them round about getting some help in.

This will make you sick if you carry on.

My DGM had form for constantly expecting things done when she wanted them. I was being groomed to be her carer. No one else obviously as they had their own more important lives.

My DM would have been worse had I not been NC with her.