Combining households?

[anotherneutralname]

My DM no longer feels confident living alone, after a couple of falls in the past six months. She's otherwise in reasonable health physically, and excellent health mentally.

She's asked if we could live together (I am single with DD(12). Neither her house nor mine could accommodate us all. The options would be to build an extension to her house, or to buy somewhere new together.

I'm at an early stage of getting my head round the implications. We live in the same town already and I drop in twice a day. So it wouldn't be a relocation for us, and may well feel like less work than all the visits. I've been running her household for a couple of years anyway as she found it stressful (arranging boiler service, window cleaning etc and sorting garden out, making sure cleaner comes...)

Could you lovely folk suggest things we should both be thinking through before making any decision please?

My mother and I have always had a strained relationship, however if I were in your position I would definitely pool money together to find a living arrangement where we had separate living rooms and kitchens etc but a connected house. I think it'd actually be easier than repeatedly popping over to DM's house every day and take some of the worry out about her falling and not being able to get back up etc. You're lucky that you get along with your mother so well, I'd say it would be a good option for you if you're both keen to do it

@DietTillIDie I'm coming at it from a professionals point of view, having seen too many exhausted family carers who are trying to do the right thing by elderly family members, but ultimately lose their jobs or their sanity or their freedom or a combination of all of that and become resentful of the situation they find themselves in.

In British culture you are often on your own with caring responsibilities. Other people don't want to get involved, there isn't really a community helping out. Some people might get lucky and have a neighbour/ relative/ friend willing to sit with the elderly relative occasionally for some respite but many don't.

Many assume the state will help out if they need it but trying to get care at home is virtually impossible at the moment and if you live with family who can keep you safe even if it is killing them then you will be at the bottom of the priority list for the very scarce resources. GPs are incredibly difficult to get out for home visits even for housebound patients. District nurses will only visit for nursing needs. For the last few years many care homes have refused to offer short term respite due to covid.

As others have said if the OPs mum moves in with them because she is scared of falling/doesn't like being on her own at night does that mean the OP can't ever go away on holiday with just her daughter. What about being out of the house during the day for work. Or shopping?

Lip service is paid to carers assessments etc but mostly they offer very little support.

This is long but I want to tell you my experience of a combined household. Long story short - it worked well until my mum's increased frailty and the onset of dementia caused me to have a breakdown. My parents were lovely parents and grandparents and we had a lot of good times together although we should have put more boundaries in place to protect our own family time.

My husband and I sold our tiny 2 bedroom cottage and bought my parents large 4 bed house when our oldest son was 2 years old. The design of the house lent itself to being split in 2 and it worked well enough. We had 2 bedrooms, lots of living space, a bathroom and kitchen and mum and dad had one bedroom. We had our own front doors and gardens.

Our family grew and mum and dad eventually moved into a static home in the garden. Over the years mum's health deteriorated and I was able to help dad to care for her. My parents were very hands on grandparents and the children spent a lot of time with them.

My dad died 9 years ago and I became mum's sole carer. At that point it wasn't too onerous. My middle daughter would spend most of her free time with Grandma by choice and I already did all her cooking/washing/shopping and had done for years.

However it was quite a tie as mum was unable to do much for herself - couldn't make a cup of tea or even a sandwich - so if we needed to go away (DMiL) lived 4 hours away at that point - my cousin would have mum to stay with her.

Just over 2 years ago, in June 2019 mum became desperately ill with a perforated ulcer and sepsis. She spent a fortnight in hospital and was discharged with a reablement package but no assessment from OT to see if she could cope at all in her home and no adaptations such as a commode or a decent walking frame.

Before becoming ill mum's mobility was failing and she was afraid to walk from her armchair to the bathroom if there was no one with her but she managed to convince the reablement team that she didn't need help and they ended the package early.

Within a few weeks she was unable to get in and out of bed without help, she was less "with it" and more demanding. At the same time my middle daughter had started a new relationship and understandably wanted to be with her boyfriend rather than sitting with Gma every evening so the responsibility fell to me.

I was in contact with Social Services, the surgery, the local care agency - and had been since mum had gone in to hospital and begged for help. Eventually, at the beginning of March 2020 a care package was put in place - a carer twice a day to get her up and put her to bed. In the meantime I carried on doing everything else. And the pandemic hit. To start with it was ok - DH was furloughed, teen daughter was still at home, middle daughter and her now fiance were abiding strictly by the rules and didn't see each other (other than waving through the car window when he would leave a bunch of flowers at the bottom of the drive.

Then restrictions began to ease, daughter got married (1st in the county to get married after lockdown) and youngest DD went off to university

From then on I was trapped at home. I couldn't leave the house without a mother sitter and I couldn't spend more than hour in my house without her calling and needing support with something - anything from going to the toilet to changing the station on her tv. I was getting calls from her in the early hours of the morning complaining that the carers hadn't been and she was ready for lunch -even after I bought her a grow clock - she couldn't remember which was night and which was day.

She hated the carers and the routine that was imposed on her - going to bed at 9 p.m., getting up when the carer arrived without having her breakfast (from the day she got married she was used to my dad, then me, bringing her breakfast in bed), claiming that they did nothing to help her and that they were coming for my convenience not hers. She was actually quite vicious and I agreed to pay half the cost of the care package because it was of benefit to me.

Then in June last year she had a fall and was stuck on the floor of her bathroom. My husband and I were unable to move her and she had to wait 4 hours for an ambulance. They checked her over and couldn't find anything wrong but when the carer arrived she thought mum might have had a stroke. The GP told us to phone 999 again and tell them that she recommended she was admitted and that is what we did. The next day I ended up in hospital with amnesia and I am still struggling to be the person I was before it all happened.

So she had a few weeks on the medical ward and a proper OT assessment. We said that we would continue to provided meals and support but that we would not be involved in personal care at all. ie we could not be with her overnight and she needed to be able to take herself from the bed to the toilet safely. OT found she was unable to transfer herself and she went to the local rehab ward. Once there it was clear that cognitively she had deteriorated hugely. She couldn't remember how many children she had (one - me) and thought she had five (I was the one with five children!).

Social Services agreed that her home environment wasn't safe and that she needed 24 hour care so after a long stay in rehab she was offered a place in a lovely home and she moved in in October.

She is very unhappy, thinks she has been dumped, can't understand why she can't come home "to her kids" (all of whom are adults, none of whom live at home, even the youngest is getting married next year), and is so furious with me she will not make eye contact and half the time doesn't even remember who I am.

For 9 years mum was able to live in the home she loved but it took a huge sacrifice by my whole family. Knowing how it ended would I do it again? I honestly don't know. We had good times and I know I did everything possible to keep her at home. Our marriage survived - right now we feel almost like we are on honeymoon - and my relationship with my children did too even though I feel I neglected them in many ways.

If you decide to go ahead I would say that whatever else you do make sure you have separate living areas so that you and your daughter can spend quality time together. If you are buying together you need to consider the implications if she needs care (my mum is fully funded by the council because she has no assets at all - we bought the house at half the market value - just enough to cover the mortgage) and remember that there are three people to consider here and one of them is you.

@hatgirl and PPs who shared their personal experience, thank you so so much.

@CaribouCarafe that's kind of how I'm feeling. I enjoy spending time with my mum, she's been a massive support to me, and she's the one I always turn to when I need to talk something through. Which I guess is why this is tricky, because she's involved so can't be my sounding board!

I am aware that there is always this risk of "high level of care needed", and I'm trying to force myself to be objective and really unemotionally think about how we would handle that. I do know what it's like to care for/nurse someone, as my husband was very unwell for the 18 months prior to his death. I suspect I have forgotten some of the ways it was hard though.

Just about the only thing I'm not worried about is lack of freedom - I've been a single parent for over ten years, so there has never been any spontaneous popping out or weekends away! Luckily I am a homebody and totally OK with that (and I have never wanted another partner, for those who kindly asked). Pre-covid I paid for a fortnightly babysitter; I presume I could eventually try to find a good fortnightly evening carer (but I am sure they are like unicorn hair to find).

I appreciate all the viewpoints, and I am thinking carefully about each one, thank you.

@DietTillDie

I am appalled at replies here. Sorry, everyone, but this is OP's mum, who she gets reasonably well with- at least she's not mentioned otherwise- and everybody is advising not to bother with her in her old age. Yes, it might be hard at the end, but it might be not. At least, they will spend their remaining time together, looking after each other and showing granddaughter what family and love really means. I do not get on with my own DM, but I am not planning to bung her into care home when the time comes. As you can guess from my grammar, I am not from England, so my views are a bit different, but I am surprised that none of the replies are in support of OP moving in with her mum.

It is not always possible for one person to provide the level of care that elderly people can end up needing, however saintly their intentions. Many people are broken and their personal relationships damaged by trying to provide this kind of care.

Many elderly people end up needing care that requires at least two people at once as well as equipment or care or attention throughout the day and night for example that could not be provided by one person 24 hours, 7 days a week for years with no days off for illness or respite.

Also some elderly people become very self obsessed, incredibly difficult, sexually inappropriate, abusive or violent in their dotage.

I hope you never have much experience of this and can continue to go through life in your blissful ignorance but if you ever do go through it I hope you remember what you said here and realise how silly and naive you sounded.

I do not get on with my own DM, but I am not planning to bung her into care home when the time comes.

Good luck with that. No one plans it but it ends up happening. My DF got bunged in a specialist care home after being repeatedly sectioned and refusing all care, 10 years after he started getting I’ll. My DM now is on the long slow road of Alzheimer’s, will be a good few years before she is “bunged”. Meanwhile I have had 15 years of this stress, I have chronic illnesses and at 46 look 10 years older than my peers. But I’m just a malleable daughter who is expected to do this until I drop.

I have instructed my DC to bung me in a care home as soon as needed so they can continue to have a life themselves.

The op is signing themselves up to be the default lifelong carer, and that their daughter will either help to or miss out on a parent themselves. Madness.

Thing is you can never tell how long a parent will live for with high needs. My mum is well into her nineties and has needed care for decades now. How much of your own later years do you have to give?

People that are castigating the op, have you ever cared for an elderly person with issues like double incontinence, dementia, full immobility?

My dad cared for his elderly mother for 6 years. She did not want to be placed in a care home. My dad then had a full nervous breakdown due to the lack of support from medical professionals and social services, and has never been the same again. He's mid 60s now and is a shell of his former self.

He insists that I do not provide care for him or my DM, and they have already made provisions financially and in writing for them to be placed in a care or nursing home.

@anotherneutralname how old is your mum? Do you work? I’m not clear how sharing a house with you and your daughter would prevent your mum from falling. Surely that would only be possible if someone was with her continuously. Mixing finances sounds very complicated. If eventually your mum needs to pay for care I believe a house occupied by spouse is exempt but I’m not sure whether a house she owned part of with you would be

My friend moved her mum
In. She finds it extremely draining and very hard work. Her mum has a care package. And has recently spent months in hospital and a nursing home. I'm surprised she came out of the home as her care needs are getting more than my friend can manage. And it must be very isolating for her mum stuck at home with no company when my friend is at work.

I get on really well with my parents and I'm
A nurse. But he'll will freeze over before I become their carers. Fortunately they don't want us to do that either.

Do you have any siblings to discuss this with or consider, if you are her sole beneficiary it makes it easier. A house with a semi self contained annex (with door to the outside, wet room and kitchenette) makes a lot of sense and means if you do want to go out your dc is not alone (a sensible 12 year old is fine for a few hours with low needs grandparent)

We did as you are thinking OP. I have always had a great relationship with my mother.

However emotionally it was extremely tough on all of us. Physically exhausting and tbh I dont think we did a good a job as the professionals.

She is now in a nursing home and getting way better care, a fuller life meeting more people, more stimulation, better food, way better professional care than I could ever give her. I see her frequently and our relationship is great I am her daugher who can give her love and support not her knackered one person carer who just was not up to the job.

My friend's mum had her mum living with them. Fine for a couple of years but as she developed dementia it nearly cost her her home. One day while she was putting the washing on the line her mum decided to run a bath but came downstairs and forgot. Friend's mum came back inside as water started coming through the ceiling. A few days later while friend's mum was stripping the beds she decided to make a cup of tea, put an electric kettle on the gas hob and set fire to the kitchen. So not only could she not leave the house to buy milk or post a letter, she couldn't even leave her in a room alone while she was at home. Finances weren't combined so her mum could go into a home where dhe was safe. How would that play out if you had bought a house together.

It’s a very big decision OP, think very careful, these type of arrangements don’t always work out to everyone’s satisfaction. If you have any doubt at all, don’t do it.

OP, you say you are not bothered about the lack of freedom. That might be true now, if you are used to being a single parent, but what about the future? Are you really ready to commit yourself to being your mother's live-in support and companion and carer for as long as she lives, with no prospect of exploring a new life of your own?

I was widowed when my DC were young, and for many years was used to not being able to go out in the evenings or go away even for one night without lots of complicated arrangements and calling in favours. My parents lived nearby but were already disabled and so unable to offer much help. As my DC have got older, I have embraced my new-found freedom to live my life for myself, at least a little, although as the children became more independent, my parents became more and more dependent on me, but I have been careful to maintain certain boundaries and a right to my own life.

The one thing I could never, ever do is have my mother live with me (DF died last year), as that would be an end to the limited freedom I have managed to regain.

One thing I would do in your position is look at any options near you for sheltered housing, with on-call support and some optional social life for residents. That might reassure your mother regarding the falls, and also give her some other sources of company rather than an increasing reliance on you. You could still visit and help as much as you want or are able, but you would not be the only back-up for her.

Have you considered sheltered or very sheltered accommodation?

I'm not sure why your mum thinks the falls are a reason to move in with you. If you are close enough to pop in twice a day, that's fine.

It won't stop her falling when you and your DC are out.

@DietTillDie

I am appalled at replies here. Sorry, everyone, but this is OP's mum, who she gets reasonably well with- at least she's not mentioned otherwise- and everybody is advising not to bother with her in her old age. Yes, it might be hard at the end, but it might be not. At least, they will spend their remaining time together, looking after each other and showing granddaughter what family and love really means. I do not get on with my own DM, but I am not planning to bung her into care home when the time comes. As you can guess from my grammar, I am not from England, so my views are a bit different, but I am surprised that none of the replies are in support of OP moving in with her mum.

My dad cared for my Nan with dementia until she died. It was exhausting Now my mum has dementia, he is her carer. She was up 8 times last night so he hasn't slept, and now has to stay awake with her today. She has done the same for the past 4 nights and it's constant He can't even ring me because she kicks off. There's the cleaning, cooking, bed changing, personal care, finances, medical appointments and the constant 24/7 attention It's not easy and he's 71