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Elderly parents
Original poster

Combining households?

44 replies

anotherneutralname · 20/02/2022 17:04

My DM no longer feels confident living alone, after a couple of falls in the past six months. She's otherwise in reasonable health physically, and excellent health mentally.

She's asked if we could live together (I am single with DD(12). Neither her house nor mine could accommodate us all. The options would be to build an extension to her house, or to buy somewhere new together.

I'm at an early stage of getting my head round the implications. We live in the same town already and I drop in twice a day. So it wouldn't be a relocation for us, and may well feel like less work than all the visits. I've been running her household for a couple of years anyway as she found it stressful (arranging boiler service, window cleaning etc and sorting garden out, making sure cleaner comes...)

Could you lovely folk suggest things we should both be thinking through before making any decision please?

OP posts:
MartinMartinMarti · 20/02/2022 17:13

The big one - which you haven’t really mentioned - is do you want to do this?

WeAllHaveWings · 20/02/2022 17:17

You need to also consider if she needed to go into care at any point how her finances would work to pay for her care, would the property need to be sold to release her money? I would discuss any financial decisions with a solicitor.

Nadjahomesoil · 20/02/2022 17:17

I'd definitely look for somewhere with an annexe, or 2 properties on the same road.

I would not agree to live in the same house.

cptartapp · 20/02/2022 17:24

I would think her expectations are already too much, she's happy to let you call in twice a day!? Every day!? Despite you being a LP with possibly a job and your own household to run? Would you want your DD tied to all that with you when you're older?
This will only get worse as she ages and her request would put the wind up me. There's very little help that can't be bought, that's what we 'scrimp and and save for ' all our lives isn't it? To let our DC be free and live their lives.
Not a chance.

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/02/2022 20:06

You need to think what happens when she starts needing personal care. Would she (and you) accept carers coming in or would you be getting her dressed and undressed, washing her, making sure she took medication and ate properly, dressing her ulcerated legs or putting cream on her pressure sores, 365 days a year with no breaks, no holidays, no sick leave.

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/02/2022 20:10

There's very little help that can't be bought, that's what we 'scrimp and and save for ' all our lives isn't it? I’ve “scrimped and saved” to help DC with houses, grandchildren with university, something to fall back on if catastrophe falls on any of them. Will be very annoyed if it’s all whittled away keeping me alive beyond my wishes.

Purplewithred · 20/02/2022 20:16

I had a great relationship with my mum and if I'd been in your position I would happily have done this, but only after a consultation with a solicitor to work out the best provisions for if/when she needed personal care, to go into residential care, or she died. It would also have had to be on a 'granny annex' basis rather than all in one, especially as you will shortly have a teenager to accommodate.

PermanentTemporary · 20/02/2022 21:16

Are you an only child- any siblings in the picture?

Tee20x · 20/02/2022 21:30

Personally I wouldn't/couldn't do this for my own sanity and mental health. I think calling in on someone/living close enough to be able to get to the other person quickly in an emergency is completely different to living with someone 24/7.

It's not a short fix, you'd literally be living with her until she dies to goes into care (sorry to be so blunt) is that what you want? Suppose you get a partner? Want more kids?

What about DD what does she want? Would she want to live with an ageing grandmother and see her decline?

hatgirl · 20/02/2022 21:31

@MereDintofPandiculation

You need to think what happens when she starts needing personal care. Would she (and you) accept carers coming in or would you be getting her dressed and undressed, washing her, making sure she took medication and ate properly, dressing her ulcerated legs or putting cream on her pressure sores, 365 days a year with no breaks, no holidays, no sick leave.
All of this is really really important to think about.

Along with - do you want to?

and - do you trust that she will allow you to get in extra help if needed?

How was your relationship with her when you were a teenager? It sounds like a silly question but its an important one to think about.

Would she consider things like getting an emergency call button first? Moving in with someone seems like a huge step for an otherwise reasonably healthy older adult. Most people that age and health are desperate to maintain their independence...

GeneLovesJezebel · 20/02/2022 21:37

What if you get a partner ?

Original poster
anotherneutralname · 20/02/2022 22:15

I've found all these perspectives really helpful, thank you. I'm not going to argue against any of them, because there's useful stuff in every single point.

We had a good relationship when I was a teen (interesting question!).

I can see we would need advance agreements about the boundaries of personal/nursing care, as that would be too emotive to decide at the point it became needed.

I had thought of getting financial and legal advice on my own, so I'd feel able to ask all my questions without needing to be tactful.

OP posts:
Ilady · 21/02/2022 03:20

You already live close to your mother. Why do you call into her house twice a day? She now wants to live with you and neither of your houses are suitable for each other. So you have to find a new house in the same area because you have to stay near work and your daughters school.
To be honest I would not do this as your going to end up putting your life on hold for year's. What's happened if you get a great job opportunity in another part of the country?' What happens if you meet a new partner? Then you also have a DD aged 12 to consider - does she want granny living in her house, complaining when she make noise and has friends over.
You also have to consider how you can put your daughter through college if your paying a larger mortgage payment due to moving in with your mother?
You could sell your current home and your mother do the same. Then in a few years time your mother end s up in poor health and needs care. Do you want to get her out of bed, shower her ect? Are you willing to give up your job and become her career?
What happens if she needs more card as has to go to into a nursing home? Why is the money going to come from to pay this?
I watched several people I know deal with elderly parents and their various ailments and health issues. Bringing honest the same elderly people did nothing but complain. They refused to do things like using a walker when they were at risk of falling. Along with this they just expected that what they wanted came 1st and showed no consideration for who they were living with or who enabled them to stay in their homes. Then they refused to pay for extra care, cleaners ect despite having plenty of money but just thought their daughters had nothing better to do but all the jobs that needed to be done.
Look at the cockroach cafe section here and see what people are dealing with.

If your thinking of doing this I would pay for legal advice.

In your mother case why has she had a few falls? I would get to the bottom of why this is happening. Does she need better flooring in her home ie non slip when wet floor covering and no rugs?
I would also get a key safe for her home. Get an alarm for her as well. See if you could get someone to call in to do a few jobs each day is cleaning, cooking ect. Let your mother get use to someone coming into her home to help her out.

Moving in with her will effect your life to much and you have to consider your daughter as well.

cptartapp · 21/02/2022 07:33

Mere but keeping yourself safe in your old age and buying in help to let you do so must take priority.
As someone whose DM ended up on antidepressants and BP medication running round after my GM for several years, she would have foregiven every penny of her inheritance to have been freed from that.

DietTillDie · 21/02/2022 07:46

I am appalled at replies here. Sorry, everyone, but this is OP's mum, who she gets reasonably well with- at least she's not mentioned otherwise- and everybody is advising not to bother with her in her old age. Yes, it might be hard at the end, but it might be not. At least, they will spend their remaining time together, looking after each other and showing granddaughter what family and love really means.
I do not get on with my own DM, but I am not planning to bung her into care home when the time comes.
As you can guess from my grammar, I am not from England, so my views are a bit different, but I am surprised that none of the replies are in support of OP moving in with her mum.

Knotaknitter · 21/02/2022 07:48

Your mum is in reasonable health physically and mentally. In five/ten/twenty years from now - what then? Are you making a commitment now to be a carer until the end of her days? It's hard to work out where your limits will be when you've not yet had to face them.

It seems like a solution to all DM's problems and it might be but the cost is your independence. If the problem is "I don't want to live on my own" there are other possible solutions that need to be considered before jumping on the first one that came to mind.

Have a quick look for extra care housing in your area, it's something else to think about.

HollowTalk · 21/02/2022 07:49

But you haven't told us whether you get on really really well and could imagine living with her. Would some sort of sheltered housing be better for her? And what does your daughter think?

Knotaknitter · 21/02/2022 08:03

@DietTillDie I think the answers will depend on whether people have recent experience of care or not. If you've seen what it does to your life being on call 24/7 I think you tend to advise people to not go down the same path that you did.

The poster is entitled to a life of her own and simple things like going away for a weekend, parent's evening at school, stopping in bed when ill all go out of the window when someone else is depending on you for something essential. There's no possibility of sponteneity when you need to arrange cover for your absence. Buying a house is usually a long term decision and everyone needs to be clear about what they are assuming about the future.

HollowTalk · 21/02/2022 08:28

It's also the level of scrutiny that's involved if you live with your mum! I couldn't stand having to explain myself all the time.

ApolloandDaphne · 21/02/2022 08:32

How old is she?

THisbackwithavengeance · 21/02/2022 08:34

You will get a lot of naysayers on here from people who don't get on with their parents and can't imagine anything worse than looking after someone elderly.

But if you are someone who gets on with your mum, would have no problem living together and are happy to potentially provide some personal care....I don't see why not. Such arrangements are normal in other cultures and used to be the norm in days gone by here as well.

PermanentTemporary · 21/02/2022 08:34

@DietTillDie I have 'bunged my mother in a care home' and I never planned to. Walk a mile not in my shoes but in hers.

mdh2020 · 21/02/2022 08:41

Perhaps the best solution would be for your mother to move to sheltered housing where there is a warden on call? Good relationship or not, you also have a 12 yr old to consider as well as your own life.

MereDintofPandiculation · 21/02/2022 08:44

I am appalled at replies here. Sorry, everyone, but this is OP's mum, who she gets reasonably well with- at least she's not mentioned otherwise- and everybody is advising not to bother with her in her old age. We’re not advising her not to bother, we’re advising her not to consider whether she wants to slip into the position of caring 24 hours a day with no respite or time off for illness. A situation which will inevitably affect her own health and thus the health of her mother Yes, it might be hard at the end, but it might be not. “The end” is not a few weeks, it is likely to carry on for years.

I am not planning to bung her into care home when the time comes This sort of language just adds to the feelings of guilt of those who are trying to do their best for their parents. Most people do not “bung their parents into a care home”, the move happens when it is no longer possible to keep the person safe in their own home. 24 hour supervision is very difficult to achieve. I think many of us learned from Covid that it is possible to shield for a few weeks, but there are things that need to be done face to face, and they can be put off only for a month or so. And who looks after the parent then?

lollipoprainbow · 21/02/2022 08:53

@DietTillDie nobody 'Bungs' their parents in care homes lightly, I felt the worst guilt imaginable when I had to place my darling mum in a dementia home. I am also a lone parent and there's no way I could have looked after her nor would she have wanted me to.