Concerned about parents' health

[XmasBauble]

Hello, sorry this is going to be long. I don't think of my parents as elderly but given the issue I thought it's the best place to post.

For background, mum is early 60s and dad is early 70s. I’m NC with mum due to life long difficulties, and have tried to maintain a relationship with my father but this has been near on impossible due to him not standing up to my mum (who also abuses him).

The current situation: two months ago, dad agreed to visit me without my mum but couldn’t give me a date. Today he sent me a letter. It said that both his health and mum’s health have deteriorated (mental and physical) and neither is able to get out of the house without each other as they need the other one’s help. He says they have to do everything together as they can’t cope independently. He therefore can’t get on a train to see me (one hour journey). However if my mum comes then he will be able to come by car (2 hours each way, only he drives, I know he finds the drive difficult but mum won’t get on a train as it’s not as comfortable as being driven door to door).

My dilemma: if I take this at face value, it feels like a massive deterioration. 5 weeks ago he was going to his hobbies on his own, meeting friends, getting on trains and buses on his own etc. My parents do have health issues, even very serious ones in the past, but I’m not aware of anything at present that would limit them this much. My DH has family (in their 90s) who are unable to get out of the house independently and it’s not a great way to live. I don’t want my dad to suffer but he’s the type never to ask for help. Should I call his GP to get him (and her) help? Call adult social services?

On the other hand, this might just all be lies and manipulation by my mother to make us allow her to visit us (DF goes along with whatever she wants as she will otherwise abuse him). If I make calls and they are assessed to be fine, will I get into trouble for making a false report?

I have responded to him that I will wait for him to feel better and he can visit me on his own later. Even if my relationship with my mum was fine, I don’t think it’s a good idea for someone who doesn’t feel well enough to leave the house on their own, to go on a 4-hour round trip car journey.

Can't you go to visit him? He could meet you somewhere close to home? For the record, my inlaws are 76 and 74 and one works three days a week but neither will drive to visit us without the other nowadays...one always has to accompany the other. I think it's common...they feel vulnerable and a bit scared of "something" happening during the 45 minute drive which is fair enough really.

this seems like a big jump on your part, from your dad throwing up some road blocks to you calling the gp and ss....massive over reaction.
you need to find out more? does he suddenly have leg issues, on medications that need monitoring (blood thinners and regular tests) there could be 101 scenes that are perfectly plausible and normal at that age and stage. he should be able to tell you more.

I agree with @FortunesFave, you need to go and see him to find out what's going on. Even if you don't want to go to their house, perhaps you could meet him somewhere local to him.

Something's not right and you need to find out what's going on. Good luck.

I have suggested meeting him at a restaurant 5 minutes walk from their house but he says neither is able to get out of the house without the other. I have pressed on the point around why they can't get out of the house and he said it's "normal knee and back pain for their age", and "sadness in their hearts". He says he doesn't need help as apparently this is normal at their age, so won't talk to GP.

Visiting in his home is not an option as I have to meet certain conditions to do so (something I have discussed on here under a different name, and people advised not to bother anymore).

Would he take a cab to the restaurant?

Can a friend escort him there?

The "sadness" bit sounds very odd, sorry.

I agree, the whole situation sounds v. odd, more like controlling behaviour then real inability to do anything independently-is your Mum v. controlling? Could another relative possibly take him to the restaurant
(without mentioning that you’ll be there? Is he close to any cousins/siblings?

He won’t take a cab unless my mum is in it. He has no relatives (mum behaved awfully to all of them and one by one they have stopped contact). I have suggested a friend but have had no response, I suspect I won’t get one.

If this was my FIL telling me he feels unwell, DH and I would be contacting all sorts of people eg GP to help him. He would actively want help to get better. We trust him fully and would know he is being honest. With my parents I am not sure. If I take their condition at face value then I feel they need help. My dad always downplays health issues so for him to write this to me feels like a big thing, and I want to help him. My mum also has health issues which at times have been very serious (long stays in hospital, surgeries), so I feel that it could be true so I can’t dismiss this.

On the other hand, my mum is extremely controlling and there is a chance he is being forced to write this so that I will break my NC with her, as he’s basically saying I can only see him if I also see her. But, if he is truly so unwell that he can’t step outside the house without her, then I am uncomfortable “letting him” drive 4 hours in a day with a non-driver in the car who apparently also can no longer get out of the house without any help. I couldn’t forgive myself if something happened. Our initial agreement was that he would get a train from his local train station, a 5 minute walk followed by an hour on the train, and I would pick him up in the car my end (5 min drive). Dad has been saying for years he is no longer comfortable driving but does it because my mum forced him, so I didn’t want him to drive to me.

My concern is, what if I contact eg the GP to tell her what he has written to me and she checks up on them, and it turns out they are absolutely fine? Will I get in trouble?

I guess even if I got into trouble, I would rather that than do nothing and find out later they really are struggling.

It sounds like your mum pressuring your dad to manipulate you into visiting tbh. What could you tell the GP? I suspect not much. Though it's quite possible that he is feeling completely miserable given the situation.

I'd go and knock on the door and ask to take him out. But I don't know how your relationship with your mum ended.

OP "But, if he is truly so unwell that he can’t step outside the house without her,"

I think this is highly unlikely. He can drive so that's good.

If you ask the GP to do a welfare check, it should be anonymous but I appreciate there's always a risk.

What about saying "dad, I'm so worried, I thought about writing to your GP"? That might prompt him to be honest.

In another aspect, when my parents hit their 70s they seemed worryingly co dependent. I mentioned it to a friend who said her parents had done exactly the same. Maybe it's a thing in itself, even separately to the control issues.

I realise this might seem trite, but I'd say try not to worry too much. There's a limit to what we can control. Elderly parents are such a worry...sometimes you have just let it go. Easier said than done, I know.

Did you say they are only early 60's? That can't be right for 'usual pains for my age'

My mum is 60 and swims 3 times a week, works etc. her husband is nearly 70 and still works as a CEO.

Those ages are no ages to be housebound with 'old age'

@PermanentTemporary she will only let me visit it I meet certain conditions but yes, I do wonder if she is trying to manipulate me to let her visit me. Thinking about it more, she did ask to spend time with the children without me there and I didn't oblige, which also caused her "great suffering". He won't come out with me if I knock on his door as even in good health he was afraid of my mum. It used to be that my mum wouldn't let him talk to me without her there, now she will only let him write to me.

@EmmaH2022 I didn't know about welfare checks so thank you, I will ask about that. I'm not concerned if the GP mentions my name. Even if she didn't I imagine my parents would guess it had something to do with me. I just remembered I have the phone number of his hobby organiser, would it be too much to call him and ask to check on my dad? And you are right, I am trying not to let it worry me too much and there's a chance that they might be ok. But if they are ok, it's making me worry about why my dad has sent me this message.

@yesitssea mum has just entered her 60s and dad his 70s. All housebound people I know are 80+ which is another reason why I'm concerned that my parents can't independently go out.

An update: I contacted the surgery via email with my concerns, they asked me to call them to speak to a GP. After being on hold for 3 hours (yes!!) I got through to a receptionist who said I can't talk to a GP as that's not how it works, and if I have concerns then I need to speak to my parents or get their permission to pass on information. She also said she will call my parents to tell them that I phoned and ask if they are ok. I tried to explain that I think it needs to be handled sensitivity and I really would rather speak to a GP but felt that it wasn't being heard. The receptionist has added notes of the call to my parents' medical record

One of my aunts saw mum on the street a few weeks ago and said she looked fine. A neighbour spoke to my dad as he left the house (on his own) to drop off a small parcel - that's a 20 min walk each way. So it sounds like they are physically fine.

In hindsight perhaps I should have called aunt etc first but didn't want to embarrass my parents by speaking to people they know, I had hoped to speak to the GP in confidence.

At this point I think I am going to have to leave it.

Sounds like coercive control as opposed to health issues then.

Can you 'breeze ' it if you do get flying monkey'd?

'I was just so ^worried' that df couldn't do the 5 min walk to the station, that he might really need a gp check, how good to know alls OK isn't it?

Yeah I’d leave it, sounds made up bollocks to me.

As if they suddenly can’t get out the house for no reason 🤣. Their not even elderly. Your dads chosen his life over seeing you so I’d bow out now.

Your mum will love it that you rang the dr too because it means that her manipulations are working.

Yes I think it may be coercive control and I don't want my dad to suffer alone, so I'm considering whether I am going to have to break NC with my mum in order to see my dad.

Mum will be absolutely furious that I rang the GP and made her out to be a liar, if in actual fact she is walking around fine. Dad will be embarrassed about it.

He’s sort of chosen this life though, you can’t rescue your dad and I can’t rescue my mum.

I am sorry to hear about your mum @Fluffycloudland77. Are you in contact with her?

With my mum I worry that there are medical issues that make her the way she is. She hears voices that she believes is God telling her to do things.

If it is coercive control then it isn't your dad "choosing this life".....if your mum has form for manipulation then your dad is probably worn down by her and may even be in fear. Don't wait until your dad "feels better"....this may never happen. If I was you, and if you want to see your dad then just go and see him.

No I don’t see them or miss them.

Hi @Nanny67, unfortunately I can't see him. They live together and for various reasons (borne out of "concern" and "love" for me) I am not allowed to visit them.

Xmas that's really sad 😔

Is there a way of sort of just turning up? On the provision of dropping something off or something along those lines?

@yesitssea
I haven't been to my parents house in 4 years as I haven't been allowed. It would create an almighty argument if I just turned up. On the other hand, I also wouldn't be surprised if they pretended not to be in.

That is worrying as they are both so young. Do they have actual health problems such as cancer etc. Neither of them are elderly.