Concerned about parents' health

[XmasBauble]

Hello, sorry this is going to be long. I don't think of my parents as elderly but given the issue I thought it's the best place to post.

For background, mum is early 60s and dad is early 70s. I’m NC with mum due to life long difficulties, and have tried to maintain a relationship with my father but this has been near on impossible due to him not standing up to my mum (who also abuses him).

The current situation: two months ago, dad agreed to visit me without my mum but couldn’t give me a date. Today he sent me a letter. It said that both his health and mum’s health have deteriorated (mental and physical) and neither is able to get out of the house without each other as they need the other one’s help. He says they have to do everything together as they can’t cope independently. He therefore can’t get on a train to see me (one hour journey). However if my mum comes then he will be able to come by car (2 hours each way, only he drives, I know he finds the drive difficult but mum won’t get on a train as it’s not as comfortable as being driven door to door).

My dilemma: if I take this at face value, it feels like a massive deterioration. 5 weeks ago he was going to his hobbies on his own, meeting friends, getting on trains and buses on his own etc. My parents do have health issues, even very serious ones in the past, but I’m not aware of anything at present that would limit them this much. My DH has family (in their 90s) who are unable to get out of the house independently and it’s not a great way to live. I don’t want my dad to suffer but he’s the type never to ask for help. Should I call his GP to get him (and her) help? Call adult social services?

On the other hand, this might just all be lies and manipulation by my mother to make us allow her to visit us (DF goes along with whatever she wants as she will otherwise abuse him). If I make calls and they are assessed to be fine, will I get into trouble for making a false report?

I have responded to him that I will wait for him to feel better and he can visit me on his own later. Even if my relationship with my mum was fine, I don’t think it’s a good idea for someone who doesn’t feel well enough to leave the house on their own, to go on a 4-hour round trip car journey.

Social services are used to dealing with difficult family situations. Or Age UK may have some advice.

Assuming you are in the UK then the doctor's receptionist is wrong. You can share concerns with your parents' GP although the GP cannot share information with you. Use the word "safeguarding" - say that you are calling to raise a safeguarding concern about your parents. If a doctor's practice ignores a safeguarding concern then they could be in trouble.

Parents are in the UK and as far as I know don't have any serious health issues. I guess just the usual things you might expect at their age eg diabetes, successful cataract removal etc. Mum was seriously ill 20 years ago with cancer but it was dealt with at the time and hasn't come back.

Social Services and Age Concern have said initial call should be to the GP, which is why I feel stuck!

Thank you for the safeguarding suggestion, perhaps that's the term I need to use to unlock access to the GP! I did explain that I don't want info, just to pass it on, and the receptionist asked if I wanted her to ring my parents and tell them what I told her, which I don't. It needs to be handled sensitively by someone they trust.

the receptionist asked if I wanted her to ring my parents and tell them what I told her

The receptionist is completely out of order - you are calling your parents GP in confidence as you were advised to do by Social Services with safeguarding concerns about your parents, . Perhaps the receptionist has misunderstood. You may get more sense if you call again and a different receptionist is on duty! Otherwise you may need to complain to the practice manager.

Of course it may well all be lies and manipulation by your mother, but it wont do any harm for their GP to know about it and possibly check up on them if the GP judges that to be necessary.

Thank you @AmaryllisNightAndDay I have written a message to their surgery, not sent it yet as I am having a bit of a wobble if my mum will be sectioned etc if I tell the GP and he subsequently diagnosis himself that my mum isn't quite right mentally and my dad is under coercive control. My dad would never forgive me if that happens - family honour and all that, and I don't want to push my dad away.

I did send my parents an email saying how sad and worried I am that he is not able to get out without mum's help, and that it must be such a burden for my mum too, and gave them contact details of some organisations in their area that could help. He thanked me for the info and said it might be helpful in the future. So now I'm back to thinking maybe he really is unwell and can't get out, and it's not manipulation, because he would have corrected my understanding if he is ok after all.

I don't think this situation is in any way related to health.

That's my gut feeling.

I don't think your dad thinks he can see you, for whatever reason. Most likely because your mum is making it difficult.

You might need to call 101 to seek help for him as he seems to be under coercive control.

I am having a bit of a wobble if my mum will be sectioned etc if I tell the GP and he subsequently diagnosis himself that my mum isn't quite right mentally and my dad is under coercive control.

Your Mum wont be sectioned based on what you have said, even if she is not quite right mentally. She is not an immediate danger to herself or others, and that's the bar for a section. She might be sectioned if e.g. her voices were telling her to kill herself or hurt your father and she was struggling to resist them, but otherwise not. And coercive control doesn't mean your father is in immediate physical danger.

Thank you both @AmaryllisNightAndDay @yesitssea. I am going to send off my message tomorrow to the surgery and I will see what they say.

@yesitssea I think your gut feeling might be right. My mum sent DH some videos that she has taken where you can see her reflection in the surfaces, walking around for 4 minutes holding a mobile phone in both hands (ie not holding on to anything). My dad is also popping in and out occasionally in the background looking perfectly normal. Those videos were taken about 3 weeks ago. And here's me being worried about them

Just a small update. I managed to speak to the GP who was very sympathetic. In summary she said there is not much they can do as no one is in immediate danger but she will make everyone involved in their care aware about the mobility issue and possible control issue. The surgery also apologised profusely for the handling of my initial call. Apparently they listened to the recording and were so angry that they couldn’t bear to hear all of it. Thank you for whoever told me to use the word “safeguarding” as that seemed to have done the trick.

That's great to hear. This is one of those threads that I sometimes think of.

I hope it's going ok.

Thanks @yesitssea. Yes I'm glad that physically my parents are ok. Nothing has changed since though. They are maintaining that they are too unwell to do anything independently even though people tell me they are fine. So I'm leaving them to it until they tell me they have "recovered".