Funerals

[forrestgreen]

I'm not sure if my personal thoughts are clouding my judgement.
Re funerals, I don't want one, I think they're a waste of money and I prefer if my nearest and dearest had a lovely meal out, thought fondly of me and chucked the cremated me in a river.

I asked my dm what she wanted, as her mum had planned and paid for her funeral prior to her death. My dm has the funds to pay for one and said I should just organise it after she's gone. I think she'd enjoy looking down at all the work I've gone to, everyone crying etc.

I think if you want a funeral, organise and sort it before rather than leaving it as a chore for when people are grieving?

I should add that the hospital offered to conduct a small service when my dad died - we did that, for his friends and a brother to attend, and we made a donation to the ward. Because we had to empty the house when he died (mum had died years before), we had a little get-together in a local pub.

We have just arranged and had my mums. On Thursday. Her death was sudden, but we know a few things she wanted. She was Irish and it was a topic of converstation that came up often.

She came home the Wednesday night, we had mass, family came in and out to pay their respects. Me and my eldest dd stayed over with dad. Funeral, followed by cremation the next morning. Me, dbro, Dad and our partners and kids went back to mum and dad's house. Everyone else had went to the local pub for drinks and food that mum sister organised and did the food for.

It was an honour and a privilege for me, to organise mums last farewell. However, we aren't squeamish about talking about funerals in general.

My kids know what I want. We talk about in general terms. I know Dad wants to come home if we want him to. And a cremation. He isn't bothered about mass.

So I suppose I agree and I don't. I think people should talk about what they want more. But I don't think people should have to plan it all.

My grandad planned and paid for his own funeral and we still had to change things because certain thing just wouldn't work due to the situation. That was actually the most tricky one I have been part of organising.

I lost my DF in October, as it turned out 12 days from diagnosis to death. It helped my DM had died the year before so we knew it would be cremation and where the ashes were going.
Dad very helpfully started talking about what he wanted/didn't want. Hard when you're getting weaker every day...
we had a fairly good idea of what he wanted by the time he died but there were still gaps where we had to guess his wishes.
We all agreed it would be easier all round if people could leave instructions of some kind for their funeral arrangements. Have I written my funeral plan yet? Of course not!

Oh and we paid £3500. We used the same funeral directors that did my great grandparents and grandparents funerals. They do the whole thing, the walking in front the of the hearse out of the street, a travelling blockade to keep everyone's cars together etc.

We had one car (7 seats for us) and the hearse. Flowers for the coffin and an arrangement that said nana.

It wasn't nearly as expensive as we thought.

@TheCreamCaker My mother died before Christmas. When I started ringing around the closest family I was surprised to find that they already knew she'd arranged for full body donation to the local teaching hospital and she'd specifically told each of them that there would be no service. I knew about the former but we'd never talked about the latter. As she'd told everyone that mattered what her wishes were I felt more comfortable telling distant family that there would be no service.

I had a form to complete to say whether ultimately I wanted a cremation or burial and whether I wanted to attend. I have about two and a half years to change my mind on that.

Funerals are really for those left behind. I found the process of arranging my parents' funerals with my brothers a very moving and important part of the grieving process. It brought us closer together and meant we talked frequently. We went through so many old photos and shared so many memories. We made lovely photo slideshows for the services which reflected the whole of their lives. We each spoke at the services and shared our individual thoughts.
They were important events for me and I was glad we did the arrangements rather than follow instructions.

Knotaknitter Sorry for your loss

When dad died we had no plan other than knowing he wanted to be cremated. My mother wanted nothing to do with the planning - she didn't want to be at the funeral anyway - so I organised a celebration of dad reflecting all the wonderful things about him that I wanted others to know. I chose two hymns that he loved and helped my daughters choose the readings.

The funeral was exactly what I needed - to hear how loved and respected my father was by his work colleagues and friends and neighbours.

I want a direct cremation & no wake, gathering, ashes scattering or whatever. Once I am dead, that's it. Disposal of my remains needs to be legal but nothing else. It is very important that I communicate this so that my wishes are followed. Everyone should do the same, if they have a preference - it is not fair to expect others to "guess" what we want.

@Kite22 yes I agree, I plan to pay for a direct cremation. But I've just moved so need to make sure the money is available. But I've told the children that's what I'd like and the money would be available (in savings or in the equity)

Thanks everyone it was really enlightening reading everyone's differing opinions. I don't think we as a society talk about funerals enough and I guess we've only recently had the option of direct cremations.

I'll have another talk with her I think and ask that she speaks to the humanist that she likes and organise things. I'm happy to sort the money side etc but I'd be honestly clueless as to what music etc. she's never set foot in a church since my weddings and just has the radio on etc.

Thanks again

I think anyone who has particular wishes does let them know ie my DP wants a big party whilst I don't want anything and we.both know that.

You could consider donating your body to science.
www.hta.gov.uk

I agree with LublinToDublin and IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere.

I like the idea of donating my body to science, but there are quite a lot of limitations on that - it isn't as straightforward as signing up and assuming it can happen.

My mum was religious and neither of her children are. She specified hymns and prayers she wanted, and we knew it would be at her local church. I chose (intro and outro?) songs which me and my sibling liked and fitted my mum's personality (my mum didn't really listen to music(. My mum also kept a list of people she would like to be told of her death, crossing off people as they passed away themselves; she lived to be very elderly. She had money to pay for her funeral so it wasn't a financial stress.

I've said I'll create my own Order of Service with photos and songs I've chosen, from a template, but I haven't got round to starting it yet..

Dad died on 23 December. We're having a direct funeral for him. They collect his body from the hospital, take it to the crematorium for the process, then bring us his ashes in an urn. Mum is housebound do this will help her not to stress & get upset she couldn't get to a service.

We'll have a wake for him at mum's house for family to remember him.

MIL is having a church service, cremation, then interrment (sp?) of her ashes. She's told us this, has pre-paid, and we have a copy of the details.

DM & DF I have no idea but I'm sure one will know what the other wants. Perhaps the funeral of one might kick-start a conversation with the other about their plans.

DH and I are both adamant that we want direct cremation (and over the next few years, I'll be pre-paying for this). No ceremony, no wake.

My Dad told my brother what he wanted in the days before he died. DB made notes - I still have them covered in tear stains. He surprised us by wanting a Church service following by the cremation. Also told us where to hold his wake. It helped, but there was still enough flexibility for us all to contribute as we saw fit.

DM's funeral was (thank God) many years later, and although we used Dad's as a template, it was personalised towards Mum. Her favourite flowers, songs and other touches which helped. The planning was an act of love, and bringing together for DB and myself. Lots of memories, sharing and celebrating a long, well lived life.

In my job I have had many conversations with bereaved families who have no idea of what their loved ones wanted. Please talk or write down your wishes even if it is only burial or cremation.

I’ve written down suggestions for my family. I have said they are just that, suggestions, and ultimately they can do what they want but if they want to know what I think ...There is one non-negotiable however (where my ashes are to go) but I think that they would have done this anyway without having to be told.

If you want a standard religious funeral in a church with a full service funeral director that's actually very little you need to do. I organise them for my work (church) and I write the service, select music etc if you wish. The only thing we ask is that either a family member/friend gives the eulogy or you give us enough information to write one (this you could do with your mum now)

I am involved in lots of funerals as a church warden.

We have many people who have their funeral in our church who are not known to us. They may have come to Sunday school 60 years earlier, or live in the parish, and see our church as their church.

Our funeral ministers work with the families to find out as much about the deceased, so that they are able to pitch the tribute just right. They are not overly religious where this was not part of the life of the deceased, so are able to do a light church Christian funeral.

As TPA said, so much of it is facilited by the funeral directors. They do all the practical stuff from newspaper notices onwards.

They deal with bereaved families everyday, from all circumstances of death. You don't need to make it up for yourself.

Firstly sorry for everyone's losses

I used to be a funeral director and as others have said helping families through the arrangements is a funeral director's job in fact I did a diploma in just that funeral arranging and administration. One thing I believe people should do is shop around not necessarily for the cheapest funeral director but for the one that clicks with you.

Those saying about donating their bodies even if the school has agreed sometimes for multiple different reasons they can't accept your body when the time comes. So I always advised people to make alternative arrangements as well.

I know the people who run pure cremation they are lovely people and have family's best interests at heart however for me I would not choose that for a family member as the funeral is opportunity to say goodbye. Funerals have existed in one form or another for thousands of years because they are important to us.

Just shows there's no right or wrong answer. We all felt at peace with the direct cremation we had for FIL. His ashes were scattered back here at home where MIL was also scattered so the circle was complete for us.

@Sickofpineneedles and @freshcarnation - as others have said - no wrong answer if people who are close think it is OK - DH and his siblings kept some of his mothers ashes and all of his father's ( direct funeral ) and cast them somewhere they would have appreciated and meaningful to them. - in some sense they are both together. It was a few weeks later and family came to say goodbye & then we had a nice meal and talked about them.

But I agree it helps if you tell your family what you want - DMIL did

On a lighter note ( & I really should not do this about funerals ) - I said to DH - I don't want huge flowers - can you just do Baby's breath ( small leaf plant but very pretty) - Later he said to me I know exactly what you want Basilisk at your funeral ( it wasn't a terrible conversation it just came up ) - he said you want your coffin to be covered in lambs lettuce - he got it wrong - and it makes me laugh that my coffin would be covered in salad because he did not realise the difference and all people there would be a bit & DH would be saying "it is what she wanted " - he is not good at plants or gardening. If there is a heaven I would be giggling

That said I hope that is not disrespectful to those who are bereaved. But just shows - you can tell anyone the funeral you want & they may misinterpret - however well meaning . But I shuffle off this mortal coil covered in lambs lettuce - well - hey ho

I agree with those who say that a funeral/memorial service is for the living, not the dead. The dead person isn't there and won't know anything about it! Those closest to the dead person should do what they want to do. Obviously it should "fit" the deceased and their personality, which is similar to doing "what they would have wanted".. I also think that in an ideal world there should be discussions about it before the person dies, but that is not always possible. But the idea that they should entirely plan and organize it makes little sense to me. As they approach death they may not be well enough. The death may be very sudden. People's circumstances and what is feasible or feels right changes all the time.

I very much planned and organized my father's funeral/memorial along with my sisters. I was also closely involved with my mum's, who died a few years earlier. In both cases it was a lovely day, a time to share memories, to bring people together, for people you might not know very well (in some cases never even met before) to say lovely things! They were definitely bright spots in a horrible time.

I think what was important was that we did what we want and didn't rush into the norm. Especially for my father who died very unexpectedly.

We had a direct, private cremation. Instead we had a memorial event the day before (I think?) in a lovely, light, bright informal setting. There was no officiant - I loosely ran the whole thing, introducing different people to talk about different parts of his life. Lots of pictures, lots and lots of music, memories, a couple of poems. 150 people turned up and squeezed in ( we expected about 100). We went straight into tea, cake and bubbly with everyone there - no separate venue. I'd like something similar. But I won't be there so it is up to the kids!