Funerals

[forrestgreen]

I'm not sure if my personal thoughts are clouding my judgement.
Re funerals, I don't want one, I think they're a waste of money and I prefer if my nearest and dearest had a lovely meal out, thought fondly of me and chucked the cremated me in a river.

I asked my dm what she wanted, as her mum had planned and paid for her funeral prior to her death. My dm has the funds to pay for one and said I should just organise it after she's gone. I think she'd enjoy looking down at all the work I've gone to, everyone crying etc.

I think if you want a funeral, organise and sort it before rather than leaving it as a chore for when people are grieving?

I didn't consider it a chore to arrange either of my parents funerals. It was the last thing we could do for them and, without wanting to sound corny, was more of an honour than a chore.
I wouldn't want to have been trying to follow instructions they might have written 10 or 20 years ago - things change.

But then I feel very differently about funerals from you - I think they fulfil an important need for most humans. It is part of a deep need to gather together to say goodbye, and to meet up with others who wish to do the same.
So many people who have been deprived of a 'normal' funeral and wake over he last 20 months have found the 'not being able to spend time with others, to say goodbye' incredibly difficult.

@forrestgreen

I'm not sure if my personal thoughts are clouding my judgement. Re funerals, I don't want one, I think they're a waste of money and I prefer if my nearest and dearest had a lovely meal out, thought fondly of me and chucked the cremated me in a river.

I asked my dm what she wanted, as her mum had planned and paid for her funeral prior to her death. My dm has the funds to pay for one and said I should just organise it after she's gone. I think she'd enjoy looking down at all the work I've gone to, everyone crying etc.

I think if you want a funeral, organise and sort it before rather than leaving it as a chore for when people are grieving?

A chore?🙄 take it you don't like your DM

Some people don't have the funds to organise a funeral beforehand. That's what life insurance is for.
My daughter was killed at 23 she didn't have time to organise a funeral.

@kitcat15 how many have you organised, if admin is not your forte it’s a horrible responsibility at a time when not at one’s best.

@Kite22

I didn't consider it a chore to arrange either of my parents funerals. It was the last thing we could do for them and, without wanting to sound corny, was more of an honour than a chore. I wouldn't want to have been trying to follow instructions they might have written 10 or 20 years ago - things change.

But then I feel very differently about funerals from you - I think they fulfil an important need for most humans. It is part of a deep need to gather together to say goodbye, and to meet up with others who wish to do the same.
So many people who have been deprived of a 'normal' funeral and wake over he last 20 months have found the 'not being able to spend time with others, to say goodbye' incredibly difficult.

Agree with this. Burying my parents was the last loving thing I could do for them, it certainly wasn’t a chore.

I organised my dads funeral as his death was a shock.
I hated every second of the planning and of the day.

I guess we are all different. But to me, if you want one you at least let people know what you'd like. Rather than 'I'll leave it up to you'

After a shitty few years of health for me, it made me think about what I want and have told dc.

Dm has a cancer diagnosis hence the discussion, she didn't really contribute to dad's as she was too upset. Her mum's was sorted for her. And yet I get to wing it. And yes I do love her.

Yes I agree with you OP, MIL told us her wishes, very non-religious (wasnt religious in the 25yrs I knew her) then a couple of hours before her death suddenly wanted a full funeral ceremony. DH then had to arrange it all basically guessing hymns and readings etc because he had no idea what his mum wanted. Ive never seen him so stressed that he wasnt 'doing the right' thing for his mum.

As you’ve said OP, every one is different. I found planning my dads funeral comforting. It was the final thing I could do for him and it meant on the day I was “happy” with how things went. Of course it was still traumatic and I have never felt pain like I did on that day but his whole death has been traumatic and I’m glad I did it for him, I think he would have been proud and that’s what matters.

I think funerals are for the living not the dead. But then I'm not a religious person. My lovely FIL had a direct cremation last year which was as per his wishes, and we had a family gathering in the summer n his honour. We've all agreed that's what we want going forward.

freshcarnation
Direct cremation is what I'd like aswell, Im also not a religious person and would much prefer my nearest and dearest having an informal gathering somewhere.

OP there are "direct" burials or cremations, where there is no service.

When your DM goes she won't know what arrangements you make. Who, besides you, will survive her and have feelings about all of this? What is the budget? It sounds like it will just be you, so if so - just organize a direct cremation and suit yourself. Really.

I found it comforting arranging Mum's direct burial and separate memorial and later her headstone, it was the last thing I could do for her, but!!! she had been helpful, informative and organized!

If I were in your shoes I would do what suited me without a qualm, and if anyone had different opinions but wasn't willing to back them up with actual work, stuff 'em.

My FIL arranged a very elaborate and somber funeral for MIL a few years before he himself died. It was a truly ghastly day. Cost him £12,000 and was really traumatic for many of us. It made us all see it was time for a change

Totally agree with you OP. My dad just passed away a few weeks ago & although we knew he wanted cremated & a humanist service knew nothing else. Was all guesswork for music, readings, who carried him in etc and had resulted in the 3 children having multiple "heated discussions" as we all felt it should be done so differently.

Tell your loved ones your wishes! Write them down! Just give them some idea so they're not fumbling around at a time of immense grief

I've paid for a direct cremation. So has DH. No fuss, no hassle.

My mum's nearly 90 and I live abroad. We chat weekly on Skype.

Recently she mentioned a "Pure Cremation" brochure and how sensible it all seemed. It sounded a bit like garbage disposal. I didn't have the guts at the time to ask her if these were her final wishes. When someone is alive, it's a bit difficult discussing their death in anticipation.

My feeling is that whatever she wants is fine. When she dies, I'll do my own little private ceremony, lighting a candle and thanking her for all the love she embodied, and saying sorry for all the conversations we never had, such as this one.

Funerals do serve an important purpose -- they bring people together in grief, which makes you glad to appreciate the ongoing impact of a life. But the type of funeral, and what happens, I'm not sure it matters.

I think it’s important that a funeral reflects the person that has died. The recent funerals I’ve been too have had favourite hymns/readings/pieces of music to make them more personal, so I think those kind of things should be communicated either verbally or if someone doesn’t want to have that conversation, just write it down, so that your partner/dc know when the time comes what you would like to happen. I disagree that it is a chore to organise a funeral, but if you have no idea what music/hymns etc the person liked, it does become harder to plan one.

I can't imagine a direct cremation. It sounds like a pauper's grave.

A funeral is about celebrating the life of the person, alongside acknowledging our loss, not just about the disposal of the body.

I paid for my dad's funeral during Covid when it was just 15 mourners. It was £3000. This shows what you get when strip away multiple cars and the wake.

I'm not saying the wake isn't worth it - it absolutely is - but when you opt for body disposal followed by a 'summer gathering', you probably aren't saving a lot, but losing a lot more.

but when you opt for body disposal followed by a 'summer gathering', you probably aren't saving a lot, but losing a lot more.
That feels quite harsh, if those are the wishes of the person who has died then why would you go against them?.
It isnt about the money its about carry out what the person wanted.

@Ilikewinter

but when you opt for body disposal followed by a 'summer gathering', you probably aren't saving a lot, but losing a lot more. That feels quite harsh, if those are the wishes of the person who has died then why would you go against them?. It isnt about the money its about carry out what the person wanted.

Balanced by the glossy tv ads.

My mums funeral was a full funeral Mass she's had the last rites before she died.
The hymns were also her favourites as were the flowers.
A funeral is about the person that's died and their wishes.

I arranged what is called a simple cremation for my DF, I think it is what e would have wanted. It was a cremation early one morning with a slightly shorter service than a normal one. I arranged an officiant and I found choosing the music comforting as he was really into music. There were no flowers or a wake because of Covid.
It wasn’t stressful.

My DMIL had a "proper" funeral with hymns etc - if I am honest it was more for DFIL's benefit . DFIL had a "direct funeral" After DMIL died he lost touch with lots of his friends - he became - not reclusive exactly but lost touch with people . So we did scattering ashes and then close family went out for a meal and talked about him - it was nice. In no way did it feel like a "pauper's funeral " It would have been more sad to have had a funeral with less than a dozen people there. We also saved some of DMIL's ashes so they have been mixed together where we sent them

Also , A good friend of mine couldn't bear the thought of a funeral - she did the direct funeral thing & took her Dh's ashes to a place they often went to on holiday - put some there & then to a place where he volunteered which is a place where they used to walk and it is a Site of special Interest ( I think that is right ) On his birthday she had a small party to pay tribute to him. I think people do these things in different ways.

My sister died of terminal cancer last year
I was next of kin and she left instructions. A simple coffin, service, cremation etc. It was during lockdown so unfortunately only 30 mourners allowed and no wake. I live about 45 .miles from my sisters town and did all the arrangements by phone. The funeral directors were brilliant. Just give the instructions, flowers, music, etc and they did it all. I didn't have to do anything. They even found the priest who gave the Last Rites at the hospice and he agreed to conduct the service.
Took an awful lot of stress off my hands and the service was lovely xx

To me, what you have put in your 2nd post contradicts what you said in your first.
In your op you have said you think people should "organise and sort it rather than leaving it as a chore" yet in your 2nd post you have said you have "told dc".
Surely if you feel that strongly you would have booked everything yourself. I mean your Mum has let you know she doesn't have preferences and you should decide when she is gone.

I have had various conversations with loved ones about what I'd like, or what I don't want, but it is up to them to book things after I have gone to fit in with what suits then.

I'm 62, husband is 63. About 12 years ago, we signed up to leave our bodies to medical science when we die. So, no coffin, undertaker, service, flowers, etc. Just die, get picked up by the relevant hospital department, that's it.

My dad did the same, and when died, there was absolutely nothing to arrange. The hospital contacted us (as a family) 2 years later to ask if we wanted to do anything with his remains. We declined.