Elderly relative says husband is hitting her

[Glassofshloer]

I have an elderly relative B (in her 90s) who recently phoned another relative C to say her husband D (also in his 90s) has been bullying her, and has on two occasions hit her.

B and D have been married for 70 years so not a new relationship. I asked C whether she believes B as B had a stroke 10 years ago and can become muddled/confused. She said she can’t be certain but it wouldn’t surprise her (she knows the couple better than I do, and for longer).

B and D are currently living in an assisted living flat but really need 24 hour care in a proper nursing home. We have tried many times to help them move to one, showed them around several places etc and at first they agree but then back out. When I say ‘they’, it’s generally D making the decisions as he is more mentally capable than she is. Their plans are all over the place and they change their minds every month or two on what they would like to do going forwards.

I would be grateful for any advice, I’m very worried about B and must take the allegations seriously but equally D is incredibly elderly/frail (more so than she is physically) so I don’t know what to think.

Thanks in advance.

Social services referral maybe? It could be B is suffering from dementia or it could be her allegations are real. Either way it sounds like they could do with having their needs assessed.

Sorry forgot to add. C spoke to B today (disclosure about hitting made yesterday) but today B claims not to remember saying anything, and doesn’t want external agencies involved.

@MissyB1

Social services referral maybe? It could be B is suffering from dementia or it could be her allegations are real. Either way it sounds like they could do with having their needs assessed.

Thanks Missy, I asked C about a needs assessment, apparently they have had 2 over the last few years but refuse any help offered.

I’d call the police.

It doesn’t matter if she gets muddles, she is saying she is being bullied and hit so it needs to be taken seriously. Even if he is more frail than her, a hit is a hit and will be alarming to her, regardless of how hard he can hit.

Please contact someone and report it. She has told someone and is reaching out for help.

www.ageuk.org.uk/our-impact/campaigning/no-age-limit/

safelives.org.uk/spotlight-1-older-people-and-domestic-abuse

Police
Reason being is that they will get SS attention far quicker than you

There are DV specialists, and presumably geriatric specialists, who will be aware of this kind of situation and how to approach it.

Maybe try ringing Age UK or Women’s Aid for advice?

My only concern about reporting it is that she is now adamant nothing happened, and would be angry with me if I did.

@JanglyBeads

There are DV specialists, and presumably geriatric specialists, who will be aware of this kind of situation and how to approach it.

Maybe try ringing Age UK or Women’s Aid for advice?

I was thinking Age U.K.

I’m hoping to find an agency who can speak with her more generally, and coax out of her anything concerning - any hint of anything more ‘official’ and I’m certain she wouldn’t say anything.

Is there a scheme manager at their sheltered accommodation place? Often they are very helpful for matters like this

@Glassofshloer

My only concern about reporting it is that she is now adamant nothing happened, and would be angry with me if I did.

Who cares!

They need help. This is your way in!!

I would raise a safeguarding concerns with social work but make it clear she had retracted story but you are worried. A social worker will look at their options with them and try and find out if anything untoward going on. We have seen far more cases of domestic abuse in older couples since lockdown sadly.

Either of them could be getting dementia . They both probably need an assessment .

Contact Hourglass - wearehourglass.org/ - they are specialists in abuse of older people and will be able to give you advice.

I'd phone the police too.

Of course she's now denying it. Relationships don't stop being abusive because you get old.

It's also just as likely he's the one whose mental health is deteriorating if he's never hit her before.

@girlmom21

I'd phone the police too.

Of course she's now denying it. Relationships don't stop being abusive because you get old.

It's also just as likely he's the one whose mental health is deteriorating if he's never hit her before.

Of course. But they are mid nineties and both frail - they’ve never had the police out in their lives as far as I am aware, and I’m worried the stress of it could make them ill (particularly her).

I’m going to phone Age U.K. and Hourglass tomorrow & see what they suggest, if they suggest the police then of course I will speak to C and encourage her to call them.

Thank you everyone.

@Oftenithinkaboutit

Police Reason being is that they will get SS attention far quicker than you

Not true.

Police usually won't go out and do anything in this situation without a social worker with them to hold their hand and do a capacity assessment (which the police are legally capable of doing too but won't)

Doesn't matter who you report it to it will be deemed a safeguarding vulnerable adults enquiry and will be passed to social services and social services and police will make a decision together about how they are going to look into it.

Any safeguarding referral will take into account the wishes of the person who made the disclosure. They should also ask if the person who made the disclosure gave their consent for you to bring it to the attention of an outside agency.

Could she be frightened to tell because he's threatened her?

At that age, some people bruise very easily so it might be possible to verify just by a close look.

I would definitely inform the assisted-living manager that there "might* be some hitting/ bullying and to please be on the alert for any signs or sounds.

It might be he is hitting her in which case she needs help. Or, if she has dementia, she could be confabulating to explain bruises from a fall, knocking against furniture etc. In that case they both need help. Either way help is needed.

I really would contact the police.

Regardless of what the truth is, the fact that she is saying he is bullying her and hitting her is a big indicator that they need more help than they are currently getting. Something has to change.

Don't assume that she is making it up / confused. D might be frail, but I've cared for elderly frail men in the past and even the frailest of them can pack a punch ! I still bear the scars from being punched in the face by a man who looked like a puff of wind would blow him over.

If he is in the early stage of dementia, he could easily have lost his inhibitions and could become quite violent. I'd be reporting this to social services , sounds like they both need urgent care.

@starrynight21 I am absolutely not assuming she is making it up and will do something about it, it’s just what. I really think a visit from the police would scare her witless, whereas I think she might open up more to somebody in a more gentle/relaxed environment. Either way, I will be reporting this to social services and speak to Age U.K. and see what they suggest. Thank you for your help everyone, much appreciated.

I too would start with Age UK @Glassofshloer. They will be able to direct you to the appropriate agency to help.

I'd be inclined to believe her and I'd be wondering if her husband has started to be affected by dementia xx