Elderly relative says husband is hitting her

[Glassofshloer]

I have an elderly relative B (in her 90s) who recently phoned another relative C to say her husband D (also in his 90s) has been bullying her, and has on two occasions hit her.

B and D have been married for 70 years so not a new relationship. I asked C whether she believes B as B had a stroke 10 years ago and can become muddled/confused. She said she can’t be certain but it wouldn’t surprise her (she knows the couple better than I do, and for longer).

B and D are currently living in an assisted living flat but really need 24 hour care in a proper nursing home. We have tried many times to help them move to one, showed them around several places etc and at first they agree but then back out. When I say ‘they’, it’s generally D making the decisions as he is more mentally capable than she is. Their plans are all over the place and they change their minds every month or two on what they would like to do going forwards.

I would be grateful for any advice, I’m very worried about B and must take the allegations seriously but equally D is incredibly elderly/frail (more so than she is physically) so I don’t know what to think.

Thanks in advance.

B needs to be taken seriously. Whether the allegations are true or not, assuming they are true in her mind at some point (even if now forgotten) she needs support.

Does D have dementia? Dementia can cause some people to become uncharacteristically violent and unpleasant.

Very similar scenario to my parents. My Mum had dementia, which I had suspected for some time, but my Dad had been 'covering' for her until she started attacking him with a knife. Her bruises were from him holding her arms away from him. I know because I found them like this with my Dad cowering on the stairs.

I called their GP for advice and they sent a doctor round the same day.

In their early 90's, my law abiding, gentle MIL started to hit my FIL. He was behaving oddly and a few moths later he was diagnosed with Lewy body dementia. His bruises looked awful and it was a catalyst for us to move them together into a Care Home. It never happened again once they were in care and remained a devoted and loving couple until they died in their late nineties. I think my lovely MIL found his altered behaviour and his vivid hallucinations so frustrating that she used a wooden spoon on him.
Thank goodness neither of them
remembered this incident once they were in care. They loved each other very much.

Either or both could have dementia, either or both could also be imagining and rationalising events they can’t quite remember.

Either way they need more help and if mid nineties will soon anyway.

(For reference my DF has Lewy Bodies Dementia and crawls about his bed at night, often bruising his head. He often tells us ‘they’ have given him a beating. It’s very very upsetting. But he also tells us there were armed insurrectionists outside the home the previous night, and a murder the previous week)

My DF became uncharacteristically belligerent and violent before diagnosis. Also, for what it’s worth, my mum became increasingly angry and frustrated with him and there was a lot of shouting and arguing.