POA/Wills - parent refusing

[Couldhavebeenme3]

Hi all. Recent (but not unexpected) diagnosis of lung cancer, second diagnosis after previous cancer 7 years ago.

I'm (for all intents and purposes) on my own dealing with mum, but am also a single parent of two, with a f/t job and health issues of my own.

We've discussed POA and wills previously, she's told us what she'd like us to do with her estate, and admits that she hated feeling incapable during her last treatment.

However is now refusing to legally finalise a will and POA. Thinks its too formal, and too final. Cannot be persuaded that it will save so much hassle for us me should she be even temporarily unable to conduct her affairs - she is looking at surgery including time in icu plus a schedule of chemo, so is likely to be somewhat limited physically nevermind emotionally to handle stuff. Acknowledges that everything is likely to land on me, and also that my sibling will still be interfering yet absent throughout. I have no ££ buffer to support her should she need any bailing out.

Does anyone have any advice/info/shock tactics I can present to her to show her that investing time now could help me out down the line?

I'm aware how heartless this might sound, but I've just spent 2 days juggling kids/work/childcare whilst I've stayed with her following a medical procedure. I'm knackered. I'm feeling a raft of emotions with regard to her health but also feeling somewhat resentful that she's refusing to do whatever we can to ease things over the next few months in the short term.

Thanks

Just tell her that if she won't do it then you can't help her. Bills won't get paid. You won't be ringing round explaining. She'll have to sort it herself when she is better.
Her choice. Do the PoA and I can help you or don't and I won't be able to and you deal with it yourself.
A relative can never be responsible for someone else's debt so I would never advise paying it yourself as you are not obliged to.

Plenty of people do get in this situation when they don't have relatives and it all gets sorted out in the end. I have had some elderly folk not pay their bills for years but they don't get cut off because they are mentally incapacitated and the companies know they have to wait. I have bagged up years worth of red bills from properties that look scary but in the end one phone call to say the person is incapacitated means they won't take court action or if they did it would not be enforced.

if you don't get a bi-weekly mini statement then hackers will unleash hell on her account. Does she have a problem with hackers. I've never had an issue other than someone trying to buy something, presumably they cloned my card. I didn't know but the bank phoned me and said they thought it was suspicious and when I said I didn't know anything about it they just stopped it.

Ha, no she's never had any suspicious activity of any kind at all, in fact years ago when she was on holiday and doing some actual spending she was thrilled the bank called her to confirm the transactions!

But obviously there's no knowing what atrocities will happen if she can't get 2 mini-statements...

Speaking as someone who is currently using my Mum's POA for finances while she is in hospital, it is a bit of a godsend. It's a lot of work doing her finances but I'm hugely relieved I can use it. It is extremely unlikely she will ever again have capacity for complex decisions. And that happened overnight.

Poa for health is less important I think, unless she has strong views on something. Mum did write to her GP a few years ago giving the GP permission to talk to us children about her. That's been really useful.

Mum definitely has a will but it's currently missing... that's less vital, it will only mean a bit of a larger tax bill plus one row will happen about a picture everyone except me wants.

Sorry, thats no help. The problem is I think it is unimaginable to people that they might not be able to make their own decisions. But it happens every day. Ultimately if she won't trust you, you can't help her.

@MrsMoastyToasty

Ask her if she fancies Boris and his chums getting a chunk of her estate because she made no will....

Why would that happen?

Answer is that it won't.

My parents haven't done their wills depite being in their 80's and mum having dementia. They finally agreed to POA a year ago and it's taken ages to sort out due to covid.

We had to accept that it was their decision and nothing we could do to make them.

@Peeeas

Sometimes if intestacy means that less goes to your spouse than would have been the case with a will (e.g. intestacy provides for some to go to your children), then you can be in a worse position due to less spouse exemption. But your estate needs to be fairly big before that happens.

Ah, good point.

Perhaps op can clarify what the estate is likely to be.

POA is often invaluable, as organisations vary in how they interact with anyone other than the account holder/policy holder / customer (and we all want some safeguards I imagine, to prevent fraud, yes?).
POA only lasts while someone is alive. Once the person has died it has no effect. At that point, the executor of the Will takes over (often the same person, in practice, but not necessarily). Definitely focus on inconvenience & cost to her if she doesn't draw up POA or a Will - and you'll be happy to help her do it, of course.

Why write a Will if there's only 2 of you, and inheritance laws would split everything equally anyway? Well the other sibling may declare after death "oh but Mum always said I was to get her diamond necklace / Rembrandt / car / 60% of her money because XYZ" and having a Will at least avoids doubt over her wishes.

I’ll be forever grateful that my parents were very forward thinking with POA etc 25+ years ago, it made life so much easier in the end stages of life.

However we did need to use a large amount of emotional blackmail on my dad (we’d already lost mum) as to how much it would help us (me and sister) if he’d consider allowing Carers to assist him.

I know that’s slightly different but it comes down to the same thing, she’s almost wilfully making your life more difficult by refusing the POA (which is the more urgent for now) but still expecting you to look after things while she’s undergoing treatment.

Perhaps op can clarify what the estate is likely to be.

Very simple - one very average house and contents, no car, no great art collections or jewellery collections, one current account, one savings account. No high finance, only necessary utilities, bills quarterly, still pays by cheque and cash.

She has stipulated what she would like to happen to her estate (eventually) but if she dies with no will I fear am 100% convinced her wishes will not be fulfilled with regards to a share directly for the dgc.

Thinking about it, and from some replies here, the utilities will simply have to wait if I refuse to go any further out of my way when her affairs are already set up to be in-person and time consuming. I need to try and disengage with the disproportionate requests (that my sibling doesn't even gets asked!)

Thanks for your insights folks, maybe I'm anticipating things will be more complicated than they are

she’s almost wilfully making your life more difficult by refusing the POA (which is the more urgent for now) but still expecting you to look after things while she’s undergoing treatment.

Yeah, this is how it feels tbh, more so that I'm struggling with health stuff (which is setting my MH off too) myself at the moment which she is aware of.

Just be brutal.

Say she'll have to instruct solicitors to deal with it all and suggest they'll take the money.

Tell her the cost of the alternative. It took me a while to work it out but it's thousands and requires a solicitor and court.

Sounds rough but some people don't like the rocks and need to be told about the hard places. There are no good alternatives.

I will help anyone but they need to help and give you the tools.

Could you suggest doing yours at the same time? To normalise it a it?

@SlugRose

Could you suggest doing yours at the same time? To normalise it a it?

Mine's been done for 5 years, not due for a revue yet.

I have been dealing with the Office of Public Guardian for six years as DM refused POA and sectioned. No fun, expensive an totally a waste of her hard earned savings.
However, if she refuses, it’s her right and it will make you incredibly frustrated.
I second getting internet banking set up with Direct debits and standing orders in place covering all her utilities, window cleaning and garden maintenance. It means if she goes into hospital for an extended stay her outgoings are covered by her and not by you. I’d even go as far as getting her to consider Xmas and birthday standing orders for all the family. Also look into attendance allowance. It’s non means tested and she could well be eligible. Phone up for the forms rather than downloading forms as it often works out that she gets t payment sooner.

OP, I should have added that it seems so unfair everything is falling to you, and not your sibling. It’s easier said than done, to find the extra strength to sort out her finances. It is relentless. However, if you can at least get her banking online tell her she can get a mini statement 24/7. It will bring some relief.