Mum is increasingly emotionally needy, need 'gentle boundary' advice

[keepingthisanon]

Regular poster but NC for this.

So my mother is 70, in excellent physical health - lives alone, walks daily with 2 dogs in all terrain, keeps own house and mostly does her large garden. She has been widowed for decades. But her mental health has been going downhill lately and she's increasingly emotionally needy. I do live very near - same village - and my sibling doesn't, but equally I have a busy fulltime job and a busy life. She wants to talk to me at least once a day, sometimes twice, and to see me at least a couple of times a week - which I wouldn't mind, except her mood is so low lately its starting to drag me down too, and I am literally carrying the entire conversations, which gets wearing after a while, particularly when she phones me and then has nothing to say. She's recently started to call during my workday (I work remotely so can't ignore the phone). The thing is I do feel quite a lot of responsibility here - she's done an awful lot for me emotionally, lent me money to help with a deposit (which I am repaying) and generally supported me a lot in hard times, so I really don't know how to start drawing some boundaries here, in a gentle way. I sort of feel like this is the start of her becoming increasingly dependent so I'm wondering if people further along this path have any advice for me? Thank you

Does she have any friends? Hobbies?

Sounds a bit depressed. Can you get her to talk to her GP?

I would start with a question to you about what has changed in her life to cause this? Obviously covid? But she is quite young. So I would be considering encouraging her to seek a medical assessment and consider whether she needs anti depressants from what you say. Or for another underlying cause to be identified. She sounds like she deserves some support and help to solve whatever the problem is.

How was she during lockdown , did she shield herself away ?
A lot of elderlies are finding covid very hard to understand and also emotionally cope with. Perhaps she is being more needy because of this.
If you are in walking distance to her , could you use your lunch hour break to go over and have lunch / a coffee ? It could be places or people she used to go to now feel unsafe and she is lonely for company.

Yeah, don't just accept that she'll be like this from now on. If something changed there must be a cause. If it's not obviously from something that happened in her life etc, I'd agree a trip to the GP is in order.

Could you host some sort of pre-Christmas event in the village (coffee morning for charity?) which lots of people your mum's age might attend? I did this for my parents when they moved to a new village and two of the guests turned out to be my mum's closest friends for over 17 years.

Or help her find her way around Facebook and social media if she doesn't use this already? So many activities are on line now that people not familiar with sm can feel excluded.

Maybe a trip to the gp might be in order to assess her mood and memory?

Or joining the local WI?

Or going on a course to a Field Studies Centre or similar, with your mum initially, until she feels confident enough to go on her own having met some friends there?

What about having prearranged lunch at her place 2-3 times a week, so it's planned and she sees enough of you and you don't get interrupted when working?

How often do you ring her? Perhaps set up a new habit ... we have done this with MIL... "work is manic at the moment, I'll call you when I've put tea in the oven", so 6.30ish most days, it becomes a habit, something she looks forward to and can be a short "check in" or longer if there's something to talk about.

Then she calls us if she needs to at the weekend. She lives a bit further away so we meet up on a Sunday 3weeks out of 4.

Would talk with her about her mood, maybe suggest the doctor. MIL has dementia which snuck up on us... would also suggest, just because of her age, setting in place power of attorney for health and finance, certainly something to be discussed.

My dad was up to 5 calls a day at one point, and it was really, really draining.
I'd start by telling her 'mum, I love talking to you, but work is so busy right now I'll have to miss out on chats between 9 and 5 as I'm working. I'll call you at 6 for a chat'. Then at 6 you can cook and chat and at least you can witter about that! I used to take the phone in the garden so I could talk about the chickens I was so desperate for something to talk about

She sounds likely a sprightly capable lady who is lonely. I think she might respond well to a proper heart to heart type constructive conversation along the lines of 'recently things seem to have changed a bit for you. I've noticed your calls seem to be more about wanting to hear a friendly voice than it being a catch up or anything more practical. I was thinking that as this is more frequent than before that maybe you don't have enough company in your day to day. I recognise the demands on my time mean I'm not able to give you all you might need in company so was wondering if we could have a look at what your week currently entails and what might be missing that you need. Shall we have a look together at what there might be or there in terms of finding friends, people in the same boat as you? I'm sure if you're feeling this way (this is assuming she agrees with you that her need for company isn't being met) you can't be the only one and there must be others out there who would love it if you reached out, it could really make a distended to someone and you.'

And then both work as a team to explore what could help. I know my own mum similar age goes to a local social centre for retirees where everything from zumba classes to hotpot sports are held all the time, it's the staple of her social life, she's made good friends there who are all on her wavelength.

Cos actually she will know deep down that they're is a mismatch here and that won't be doing her self esteem any good either knowing that she's asking for more than you can give but being too desperate not to. If she got involved with anything that gave her social contact with people who are at same age and stage this would be a huge boost to her too and would reduce her reliance on you - win win.
This is assuming she's the sort of person who responds well to pro-active recognition and tackling of problems.
Good luck

Distended = difference
Hotpot sport = hotpot suppers (would love to watch a hotpot sport though - sounds fun

I feel for you as I'm in a very similar boat but no siblings at all! My mums also helped me a lot in the past so I feel a lot of responsibility for her.

We speak on the phone every day, as a PP said at a set time and I see her one weekday evening and Sunday afternoons.

If I have something I need to be getting on with I will unplug the landline as she will only call me on the mobile in a dire emergency!

I've actually just given up my job (school based/full-time/totally inflexible) to go freelance as she's 82 and has been really struggling since we lost my dad a few months ago.

I've already got plans to take her to local community centre for scrabble club, bereavement friendship group, and to a quiz night at the local church to try and help her Foster some new friendships.

Could you take a bit of time out to do something similar?

As for feeling dragged down...oh I so know that feeling! I try and take something to do with her when I visit, or plan something nice when I get back.

Jigsaws, board games, a favourite film or TV show. My mum loves Paris and there's a great website where you can book virtual tours so one afternoon I made macarons and we did a tour of the Eiffel Tower.

My mum is also handy with Internet and has been investigating online dating but 'all the blokes over 70 look like they've got one foot in the grave' !

She sounds depressed. Should see the doc maybe?

Thanks for the suggestions [heart]. She does have friends but is withdrawing from them so yes I think I might broach the GP with her....I do hope we can work together to improve things as women in her family live into their nineties and she's healthier than most of them! Although...dementia has been a creeping worry at the back of her mind as her mother had it....and still lived to 88....but it wasn't a good life.

Oof, 5 times a day...yeah I need to do some work before it gets to that point. I think tonight I'll have a proper talk with her about what she might enjoy and how we can facilitate that. Thanks again x

Name change failed! Oh well it's not outing really

I don’t think a phone call a day and seeing her a couple of times a week is needy.
I’d take her to the gp for her low mood though.

Suggest you tell her that you will phone after work daily, unless it is an emergency

Can she join some local clubs ?
Join library - full of info about local events
Can she become a telephone friend for someone
Does she go on holidays ?
Join an exercise class
Join National Trust or a similar organisation
Volunteer
College course

@Mymapuddlington

I don’t think a phone call a day and seeing her a couple of times a week is needy. I’d take her to the gp for her low mood though.

Tbf it depends on the expectations around those calls and visits.

My mum will throw an absolute tantrum if I have to change a visit or miss a call. She won't ring me instead...I'll just get a passive aggressive text message.

Even if I'm unwell she'll make her displeasure known if I don't fulfil my obligations.

She does have friends but is withdrawing from them That’s something I recognise in myself when my depression is creeping up on me again

Older people are often v resistant to using medication to help mood. And depression is very under diagnosed in the older population.
My dad has pretty advanced dementia, and 6 months ago we finally persuaded mum to allow him to try sertraline as suggested by the GP. Result? Almost overnight change. Still has the dementia but where before his head was down and he was withdrawn, he now looks around and engages (in his way) with the world.
Worth a chat.

Have any of her friends or neighbours been ill or died recently? Sometimes that can knock people a bit sideways for a while.

I've noticed that MIL is much lonelier after Covid. Even though she is getting on with it now that she's been vaccinated many of her age group are not, they haven't driven in a year and are super nervous about doing anything never mind indoors. It's almost as though she is having to build a new network of friends.

Yes, its a bit more than a call a day, but in any case its not so much the frequency as the weight of the calls, if you see what I mean. Like I know if I don't answer immediately she'll be terribly upset, even if its at a bad time. @shallIswim that's interesting. I really don't know if she'd be open to trying medication, I don't think she's ever discussed it. I think she'd be against it. But I will broach it, carefully. @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams I think you're right that Covid and the lockdowns have impacted older people's mental health particularly badly. Her social circle has shrunk, and one of her friends who would definitely be vulnerable has deteriorated a lot.

My mum’s similar. I’ve found having a set day every week for us to go out has helped so maybe would with ringing? “work is manic at the moment so I’ll start ringing you about 6pm” then don’t answer until then. Would she join any classes? Going to water aerobics and an exercise class really improved my mum’s mental health and they’re brilliant for meeting people.