Mum is increasingly emotionally needy, need 'gentle boundary' advice

[keepingthisanon]

Regular poster but NC for this.

So my mother is 70, in excellent physical health - lives alone, walks daily with 2 dogs in all terrain, keeps own house and mostly does her large garden. She has been widowed for decades. But her mental health has been going downhill lately and she's increasingly emotionally needy. I do live very near - same village - and my sibling doesn't, but equally I have a busy fulltime job and a busy life. She wants to talk to me at least once a day, sometimes twice, and to see me at least a couple of times a week - which I wouldn't mind, except her mood is so low lately its starting to drag me down too, and I am literally carrying the entire conversations, which gets wearing after a while, particularly when she phones me and then has nothing to say. She's recently started to call during my workday (I work remotely so can't ignore the phone). The thing is I do feel quite a lot of responsibility here - she's done an awful lot for me emotionally, lent me money to help with a deposit (which I am repaying) and generally supported me a lot in hard times, so I really don't know how to start drawing some boundaries here, in a gentle way. I sort of feel like this is the start of her becoming increasingly dependent so I'm wondering if people further along this path have any advice for me? Thank you

My Mum was given a low dose of an AD to help with arthritis pain and she mellowed out noticeably after - though obvs pain management would cheer anyone up!

I would say that you need to be pretty careful here. If your Mum is receptive to help then by all means make some suggestions to her in terms of things she can get involved with/make friends.

You might find though (like many of us on here) that you are on a hiding to nothing. I have made what seems like a million suggestions to my Mum but nothing is ever right. She would be far happier ringing me five times a day. Trouble is, I just do not have the time or the inclination to service these calls.

I do what I can to help but ultimately everyone is responsible for their own happiness. It sounds like your Mum is fit and active. To a certain extent you need to push back and let her sort it. Unless she is directly asking for your help she probably won't value being given advice.

flower that's exactly where we are. My DM's GP had been trying to prescribe her ADs for years but she simply won't take them, even after my DF died and she was super low. She won't even discuss the possibility that she may be depressed.

Me and my DSis have discussed this many times and it's eased the mental burden we feel towards her. She is 86 but physically very fit but the depression has been going on for many, many years with her unwilling to accept any help. Ultimately, there is only so much you can do isn't there?

@keepingthisanon like a PP said, I'd try and discuss POA for health and finance with her as well as a check up at the GP. If she's withdrawing from her friends it sounds as though she definitely needs some additional support.

My DFIL eventually spoke to the GP earlier this year. I don't know if medication was discussed but he did accept Counselling which had been transformative. Truly amazing to see.

@PanicBuyingSprouts we talked and she was actually more open to going to the GP than I thought she'd be. Which is to say, she didn't dismiss it out of hand. I don't know if she actually will but yeah, ultimately we can't do it for them when they have full capacity.

@PanicBuyingSprouts

I've come to the conclusion that it is attention-seeking with my Mum. As soon as one thing is sorted we are on to the next problem.

It sounds wicked written down but I have recently paid my Mum far less attention than I have for many years as it had become a very one sided relationship. Every time I phoned her there was a problem to sort or something to moan about. She had absolutely no interest in me whatsoever and I dreaded phoning her. Interestingly, she has been much better in herself and has started to take a bit more responsibility.

You sound lovely, OP.

Like others have said - do not assume this is forever. Pretty much everyone is depressed and lonely right now - it an epidemic.

Treat her like you would a close friend, and don’t assume that she is ‘your problem’. The suggestion of having a regular time of the day when you call her is a really good one. For it to work well you need to be really reliable, but it will keep you in control.

@PersonaNonGarter aw thanks, everyone on this thread has been lovely tbh. I try to do my best by her, she's not perfect but she's been there for me when I've messed up or been through hard times.

So glad she didn't dismiss it out of hand but if she doesn't go to the GP soon, do keep having the conversation. Realistically, she could be here for another 20 years and spending those in a depressed state sounds bloody awful.

@keepingthisanon I wondered how your Mum is doing and if you found anything that helped as I have been feeling in a similar situation. Thanks.

@bobbleb funny you ask as I was just thinking about this thread this morning.

We had the GP conversation and it went better than I expected. She started on antidepressants which she has resisted her whole life, not sure how long she'll stay on them though. Overall, things are better. She has re-engaged with some of her activities and friends. The main thing enabling this is that she has her physical health. She's a fit 70, can drive absolutely fine, go for good walks, etc. I think if your parents are in poorer health it must be a nightmare.

Also I've worked on myself a little bit in terms of patience and forgiveness and 'letting go' of some stuff I feel wronged by in the past - however well our parents tried I'm sure we all have some of that. At the end of the day forgiveness isn't for the other person, its for you.

I know this thread is a few months old but did your Mum keep up the Antidepressants? What is the situation like now?@keepingthisanon

No, she came off them eventually. Still, the mental side is better but now we seem to be entering physical issue territory, which she doesn't really want to acknowledge. Still, its a lot better than it was.

Op its hard. Mine is 80. Nobody near or they have young kids. I can only do so much in my week. Its difficult. Mine is negative negative doesnt help.