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Elderly parents
Original poster

I just can't.

29 replies

PermanentTemporary · 23/09/2021 19:04

Mum has moved back into the retirement flat she sold. We pulled out of the move when she decided she actually wanted to go back and there was no better option. She sold and moved originally after THREE YEARS talking about it. It nearly killed me pulling out of the sale, there was so much distress from the buyer.

She has been in the flat for literally 5 hours and has started talking about moving again. I was fairly brisk and said we'd do our best to make life good where she is.

I CANT DO THIS. and there is no way out. I can't do any of this.

OP posts:
steppemum · 23/09/2021 19:08

where was she going to move to?

Wolfiefan · 23/09/2021 19:14

It’s her place. If she wants to sell it then she will have to do it. Explain you don’t have the time and energy to go through all that again. Then refuse to engage.

Original poster
PermanentTemporary · 23/09/2021 19:18

She wants to move back to where she was before - not the house but the town. OK but it is at least 2.5 hours from any of us. She's on her own, increasingly forgetful, physically not too bad but with some issues. We really do have to have one of us within reach, not for emergencies but for general backup. Where she is now is 30 minutes from me.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 23/09/2021 19:26

Just make it clear that you won't be providing any help to move. If she wants to move then she will have to manage it all on herself.

Original poster
PermanentTemporary · 23/09/2021 20:42

You're right. She sort of knows that she can't, I think.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/09/2021 21:11

Just nod and smile and don't get involved.

Thanks
freshcarnation · 24/09/2021 07:49

Agree. Deflect. My mum talks about driving and buying another car (had her licence removed a decade ago). I say, well wouldn't that be something and change the subject.

Original poster
PermanentTemporary · 24/09/2021 08:52

Thank you. Might write these on a card for when I see her!

OP posts:
PhoboPhobia · 24/09/2021 08:55

It's so hard isn't it? My MIL is 92 and has a lot of issues but she still talks about moving to a 'nice little flat'. She lives in a small bungalow with a full package of care but she has this idea that if she had a smaller place she would be able to manage.

Like others have suggested, we smile and nod and change the subject.

EL8888 · 26/09/2021 14:56

It’s fine if she wants to do that. It’s also fine for you to say you aren’t getting involved and she needs to do it under her own steam

freshcarnation · 26/09/2021 16:09

I think this is the key dealing with our elderly relatives (especially those with dementia). Not to say 'how high' when they say jump. I know with my mum I've had decades of helping her with perfectly reasonable stuff. For example taking her for a yearly eye test. Perfectly reasonable. But now she complains about her eyes every week. She would be back at the optician changing her glasses fortnightly if I took her, so we go every six months and no more.

Mum5net · 27/09/2021 16:35

Permanent Hope you've managed to side step your DM's constant loop about selling and buggered off for a few days' peace. It's wearing and frustrating when the conversations are no longer 1 : 1 but more like 1 : ½ when your parent's capacity is on the wane and rational argument is no longer possible, slipping back and forth.

Floralnomad · 27/09/2021 16:39

My MIL is like this , always on about selling the house , pre covid was constantly asking my husband or his brother to take her to look at places and when it comes to it she never follows through and its an absolute waste of everyone’s time . Added to which she apparently hates her house so much that she’s depressed , it’s all incredibly difficult . You have my sympathy @PermanentTemporary. Just refuse to get involved .

MintyCedric · 27/09/2021 16:43

I feel your pain, although mercifully my mum hasn't done anything about her moving plans

She's 82 now and since she was about 60 she's been wanging on about moving somewhere smaller/into sheltered accommodation or, when she's got the hump with me...moving put of the area altogether who TF she thinks will put up with her constant demands for time and attention then I've no idea.

I think she had the house valued on average every 18 months during that 20-odd years and put it on the market 2 or 3 times for about 48 hours. Then there's been the various forays into wanting extensions/garage conversions which had been never ending until Covid.

Whatever she decides she managed to talk herself out of then loops back round a few months later.

Just smile and nod and let it all wash over you.

Franklin12 · 27/09/2021 16:51

Yes, 100% agree with the nod and smile. They know I am sure they cannot do without your assistance.

Original poster
PermanentTemporary · 27/09/2021 17:29

It's really comforting though also depressing to see so many people who know exactly what I mean! Made it through Sunday with the dreaded subject only coming up once an hour Brew

I suppose our whole society is a bit nuts about moving and property and how it can make you happy, and it's not surprising that people with cognitive impairment express that too.

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 27/09/2021 19:13

I think it's just having nothing else to do with their time tbh.

The utter bollocks my mum takes an interest in is incredible.

freshcarnation · 27/09/2021 19:39

My mum becomes fixated on things. Last week it was buying a new comb. It's a dementia loop

Babymamamama · 27/09/2021 19:43

Could you ask for a social care capacity assessment to see if she is able to weigh up the pros and cons of this decision. If you have power of attorney that would help on you getting her to make more suitable decisions. My mother was like this a while back thinking she knew her own mind. Actually she had dementia and her needs escalated rapidly.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 27/09/2021 20:29

@freshcarnation " It's a dementia loop"

That makes so much sense! My mum is obsessed with Dr Jenny Harries!

MintyCedric · 27/09/2021 22:32

Called my mum this evening...she's been looking on Right Move today and has found a house we could afford if we bought it together...😳🤯

RandomMess · 27/09/2021 22:34

Minty just Shock

Run away!

334bu · 27/09/2021 22:52

My mum kept changing the curtains. I borrowed her step ladder and kept forgetting to bring it back. Oddly enough when we eventually had to empty the house , apart from the curtains actually up , we could only find single curtains and no pairs.

HarrisonStickle · 27/09/2021 23:25

@freshcarnation

My mum becomes fixated on things. Last week it was buying a new comb. It's a dementia loop
I'm going to use this as my mantra 😌

My mum drives me insane with her obsessions.

One of the longest running was buying new shoes. A couple of times I humoured her and took her to the shoe shop where she tried on virtually every style then decided none were right. I started saying no, so she moved on to wanting to visit the opticians every few weeks.

Currently she's going through a phase of pointing out every bus stop we drive past. Before that it was post boxes. Before that it was reading out the prices of petrol. That wasn't a great success as she can't see very well so it was more her asking me the price and me saying I didn't know, then her tutting. 🙄

HarrisonStickle · 27/09/2021 23:27

She also always points out Waitrose lorries for some reason. 🤔